Elora at Last

Love, Chaos, and Dinner

2012-03-14T10:23:00.005-04:00

I found a teeshirt at the store today that spells out love, chaos and dinner in gem stones. I thought it was the perfect summary of this trip. It is the end now, just one enourmously long plane trip and we are home. We had a good day today, sickness is fading and we got to get out to the goodbye china party with the other families. It was great. See you all on the other side, HOME!

Yoyo enjoying her symbolic birthday cake, she loved it.

Feverish baby who is finally sleeping, the most beautiful sight to these parents.

Updates From Beijing

2012-03-13T18:58:00.000-04:00

Monday: Elora is very sick today, she vomited this morning, has had a bad fever all day and little appetite. She is not a happy camper. The baby cold meds are not bringing her fever down and since she hates the water Jeremy had the ingenious idea to cool her off by stroking her with the beer cans from the mini bar. No joke, it worked very well. I am officially home sick.

We left the room a few times today to scavenge for food, and managed to join the group for a quick walk around the zoo. It was a nice day today weather wise, and we were all happy to be out of the room. Friends in the group have lent us a stroller that Elora quite enjoys. The city was not built for strollers but we manage between the two of us. The zoo was definitely different then back home, people were feeding the monkeys and zebras by hand, climbing the cages to reach into the enclosures to hand them things like French fries and licorice. The cages are all like small boxes and the Toronto elephants should count themselves lucky compared to the living conditions at this zoo. Despite all of that it was still a trip I would recommend since it is a nice park like setting very walkable and plenty to see.

We were sorry to miss out on the acrobat show that the group went to tonight this was the highlight of our other trip. It was a wise choice though as Elora is much sicker this evening and sorely needed some sleep. Tommorow is the consulate and a shopping trip, it will be a long day and we are hoping that her health will improve by tomorrow. I really wanted to get some pearls for elora as a future graduation gift from her birth country and some outfits for the kids. Priorities are quickly shifting and now I just want to get through this night and the next three safely.

To end on a happy note, I forgot to mention earlier that before she got sick Elora took her first steps all by herself on saturday. She just stood in the middle of the room and walked about 6 steps. She was making more attempts that day as well, but then got sick and has not been in the mood recently.

It is Tuesday now and Elora has not slept in 24 hours. Despite drugging, walking, soothing, rocking, swaddling she will not sleep, not in our bed or the crib or the floor or the couch or the stroller of the carrier she will not sleep. She has had a raging fever and very little appetite; I have no idea what she is running on. She is up again, make that 25 hours with no sleep.

Its Wednesday morning now and she slept most of the night hoping we have a better day today.

Settled in Beijing

2012-03-11T14:17:00.002-04:00

We are settled in Beijing but we all have a cold so we have been laying low in the hotel and skipping the group outings. We have met the rest of the group for meals here and there and it is really great to share experiences. Elora is doing better in many ways, she is showing great signes of attachment to us, she will not engage with any one else even when they try to bribe her with food or toys. She is generally grumpy because of the cold but we are still seeing a decrease in the head banging and we are able to calm her with more ease. We feel a bit like hermits and we are hoping to all feel better so we can join the group at the zoo trip tomorrow.

Pictures of Elora!

2012-03-10T08:01:00.000-05:00

Next Stop Beijing

2012-03-09T11:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we spent the whole day in the hotel with only a short excursion to take the scenic boat and quick stops for food. Elora did very well, with the exception of the boat. Clearly being out and about is just not the best thing for her at this time, unfortunately staying indoors all day is a luxury we just don’t have right now since we have travel and appointments constantly. It is good to see how well she can do in the right environment though. The hardest things about the tantrums is that when we are out we have so little options for coping, we cannot stop, we cannot change rooms, we cannot put her in a safe place to work it out. I think although the carrier may be prolonging her tantrums it seems to be the best option we have at this time.

She is really turning into a daddy’s girl and it is so fun for me to watch as their relationship grows each hour. She reaches to him for comfort now instead of just accepting it. They are just smitten with each other. They both have a cold right now and are napping together before I have to wake all the sickies up and get us on the plane to Beijing.

There have been many requests for more photos, and I totally understand why since she is so cute and I know you all want to get to know her better. She is incredibly difficult to photograph, I have to turn the flash off or all you get is closed squinty eyes or a turned away head. Without the flash the photos are often blurry since she is always on the go. I am experimenting with different camera settings and lighting and I think I am getting better, but we still have about only one useable photo out of 20. The best way to get to know her is through the video we take, her eyes are open and bright and you can really see her expressions and personality. I am wishing that someone in our travel group will have a way around the firewall so we can sent some video (they are too large to email even the shortest clips).

Better Day

2012-03-08T07:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a better day. Yoyo was fussy all day and had quite a few meltdowns but it was more of a normal upset baby type and not the raging from the day before. She accepted soothing from both of us and we were able to keep each meltdown to under a half hour. The visit with the orphanage went very well. She happily visited her nanny and roommates as long as I was holding on to her. She has a very close relationship with her nanny because there are only two nannies per room of 10 babies; they take shifts though so it is only ever one care giver at a time. It is very good for us and for her that she did not have a revolving door of caregivers. The kids were all very excited to see us, they were mostly all boys. The orphanage director gave us some medicine for Elora’s tummy problems, but I cannot get her to swallow it yet. As we were leaving Yoyo waved goodbye to her nanny and blew her a kiss as she laughed and smiled in my arms. I think they did a wonderful job preparing her for this transition, she really seems to understand what is going on from the first time we met her.

The train ride was bad but not as bad as the first time, we had a little cabin we shared with two other people and Elora slept restlessly for a few hours lying on top of me as long as I remained completely motionless. We were all very happy to be back in Hongzhou to our little hotel room and town we have come to know and very much like. It is an easy town to like, with lots to do at the west lake and lots of stores and food to choose from. The traffic here is like a game of frogger where I swear there must be bonus points to cars who can hit the petrified lo fan. Other than the traffic and the paparazzi it is a very friendly and walkable city.

A few things about Yoyo:

Likes: very hot milk, almost any food, the baby carrier, practicing her walking, gerber puffs!

Favorite toys: empty water bottle, baby wipes package, empty cracker wrappers, snack trap (preferably with puffs, but still fun empty)

Dislikes: cold foods, no success with any fruits yet

Although I think the measurement of 26 pounds is pretty accurate, she is not overly chubby. Her cheeks and thighs are very plump but the rest of her is pretty average. She is fitting snugly into the 18 month clothing we brought. Her feet are tiny though only in the 6 month old slippers we brought, the orphanage gave us some darling hello kitty walking shoes though so we have not needed to buy anything for her yet.

She stands very well on her own and she loves to practice and get praise for this trick. In the short time already she has gained a lot of strength and can do laps walking holding our hands now and when she came her legs would give out after only a dozen steps. She is very determined and keeps trying even when her body is obviously tired.

She has an easy smile and laugh and when she is in her normal mood she goes to sleep between us in bed in a short amount of time and sleeps long and through the night. She is sleeping much more then the orphanage reported, but time will tell if this is a pattern or a consequence of the situation.

She has all of her teeth now with the exception of one last eye tooth that is bugging her. She is a very chatty baby and is already correctly saying mama and dada for each of us. Despite my fears that she would be a bottomless pit when it came to food she communicates when she is done and is not eating what seems to be a very large amount, although she is a great eater and will accept almost anything we give her. We have already switched from baby food to just letting her graze off our plates.

We had a relaxing day today at the hotel with no appointments; we are just waiting around for her passport to be processed before we can fly to Beijing on Friday. The last few days felt like an emotional and physical marathon. We are looking forward to meeting up with our group and are also counting down the days till we can come home. We miss Emery and cannot wait to introduce you to this little princess.

The Honeymoon is Over

2012-03-06T20:14:00.004-05:00

In adoption there is a typical honeymoon where the child will woo you in hopes that you will be convinced (in her mind) to keep her. Once she is convinced hat you are ready to go the distance with her the walls come down and the grieving begins. After an ideal fairy tale first day we entered day 2 and left the honeymoon.

She is grieving and reacting to sensory overload as well as teething and some intestinal problems. The result is that we hit some unexpected triggers with her. The triggers we found so far are water/washing and the train. When we trigger her she changes from her happy easy going self to a 26 pound lashing tiger cub. They will last about 2 hours and are immensely intense in her strength and endurance. Outside of the trigger zone we are seeing so many positive things; she is smart, funny, able to communicate with us, affectionate and will take redirection easily. When the rage hits she is uncontrollable. Unfortunately although during play time she accepts us both equally during rage time only mama will do. It seems crazy but although she is fighting with all her might physically it seems the only way to stop them is to hold on to the tornado she becomes and ride it out with her.

She is definitely using head banging as a coping tool. We see it in extreme violent form during the rages but also in a smaller way several times in the day for smaller stresses like a bottle not prepared fast enough or a honking horn or to put herself to sleep. During the rage her head banging will begin at her waist and launch a full half circle of wound up force into anything in its path, mostly my head or chest but also things like a window with no indication of pain. In the rages I tie her tightly to me in the carrier because my arms often fail to catch her without the fabric of the carrier acting as a sort of straight jacket. I use sensory deprivations as much as possible forcibly burying her eyes and ears into my chest and shushing and kissing the other exposed ear. In the case of the train our guide (LOVE HER, NEED HER) got us use of a small closet so we could turn off the lights and muffle the sounds. (see below For a funny story about the room.)

I know they covered head banging in class but I can’t remember what the right thing to do is. We are just going with the gut and winging it. Any moms who have head bangers your advice is most welcome at this point.

This is taking a toll on my physically, a black eye, swollen lip and bruises galore not to mention my arms and back feel like jelly. I know I am not the first mother to walk through China with these battle scars and I won’t be the last. The strength of these mothers I don’t even know surrounds me and supports me, gives me strength. The other thing giving me strength are the improvements we see in Yoyo after each rage. Her attachment and trust grows in us in leaps and bounds, so I know this is just what she needs to do and somehow it is working. No one said this would be easy, but it is helps to recognize that this is good work, with the most beautiful smile from the most precious girl as my reward.

Today will be hard, we are visiting the orphanage, a virtual landmine of triggers I am sure and then joy of joys another train ride.

I will leave you with some photos of sweet girl in her happy times although they are a false representation of the past 24 hours, the last thing on my mind during a rage would be to whip out the camera. Although that is exactly what every Hangzhouian we meet does. We are photographed constantly sometimes discreetly and often time not so much. We are a real side show.

· FFunny story about the room: After a long time on the train of raging, we were jeered and shot the evil eye by every passanger with in a 3 car radious, finally we got taken to the room since they were unable to turn off the light at our seat. I thought the sign on the door read “malfunction room” and the appropriateness of such a room caught me in the moment as unbearably funny. I think I looked like a lunatic laughing as I wrestled a screaming child into the room. Later I found out the room was really called “multifunctional room”. Fits of laughter, crazy person laughter from me again.

Meeting Yoyo: NOW WITH NEW PICTURES!!!!

2012-03-05T06:35:00.006-05:00

We went to the child welfare office building today at 9am and we were introduced to a sweaty, tired, teething baby. She was pretty unhappy with us and seemed to understand what was about to happen. Her nanny had a close bond with her and when she left our arms as we signed papers we saw a glimpse of her true personality. Smart, happy, laughing. The photos from the registers office where she is happy, that is only the case because she is nanny’s arms when the photo is being taken.

We learned some more about her schedule, almost identical to Emery’s (how lucky am I?).

Her nick name is Yoyo a short form of Qingyou (pronounced more like sing yo). We got about 5 baby photos of her that are incredibly precious.Best of all we got permission to visit the orphanage on Wednesday. Tomorrow we have more paperwork to do and then we will head to her home town of Wenzhou by bullet train.

Yoyo waved good bye to her nanny and had a bit more crying to do, but she let me put her in the carrier and we did some quick errands to the grocery store. Yoyo and I stayed in the hotel room while daddy went to the bank with our guide. I gave her some advil for the painful eye teeth that are about to burst through and we played a bit. She gave us some smiles and showed off her standing and cruising abilities. It is just after noon now and she ate a good meal of baby rice and gerber puffs and is sleeping in our bed. After her bottle she fell asleep easily.

We are thrilled at how well it has gone so far, she is just amazing. We love her so much already and you all will too, her smile lights up the room. She is just so easy to love.

Pictures of West Lake, Hangzhou

2012-03-04T08:08:00.000-05:00

Hangzhou day 1

2012-03-04T08:05:00.001-05:00

The train ride was ridiculously easy. There were line ups and order and happy police men to help. There were no scary vagrants and even an escalator and our seats were #1 first class they were like xtra large lazy boys. We arrived in Hangzhou and met our guide Vivian. Our hotel here is nice, downtown and walking distance to the west lake, Elora’s bed is in our room and I have her bag packed for our first meeting. We are on our own for now, but will meet up with Vivian at 9 am on Monday when she will take us to meet Elora!!! We have been managing fine so far without a guide we use photos to order our food and have been successful although sometimes surprised with the results. Apparently it has been raining here for 3 straight months, we are going to do west lake today but most likely it will be raining again, if not we plan to rent bikes for the day so we can see more. The internet is also spotty here and we are having issues getting around the firewall. I am receiving all your wonderful comments but we are unable to allow them to be published since I cannot get into blogger to authorize them. My friend Amy is kindly posting these words for me that I email to her, but we may have reached our communications limit as far as the firewall goes. I am so sorry that we cannot write back to you all but we are getting your words, thank you. When we have a moment of internet, like now at 4 am, we quickly post this one daily announcement and that is about all that can get done. We are having some insomnia tonight, whether it is from jet lag or excitement. Hoping a sleeping pill will give us a good night’s sleep tonight after a busy day because we only have ONE MORE SLEEP TILL ELORA!

We've Arrived!

2012-03-02T21:17:00.005-05:00

We got into Shanghai last night. No problems. The flight was long and uneventful with the exception that no one slept much despite the sleeping pills. We went for a nice walk last night and got dinner, its very pretty here at night and much safer and easier than last time we were here in 2006. There were even crossing guards and every one obeyed traffic signs!!

First funny story is that some poor sop's entire bottle of maple syrup exploded on the plane all over our new suitcase. We got the majority cleaned up with baby wipes before we got our taxi. It still smells of maple and one zipper is stuck shut due to the sticky.

We will write more later today once we arrive in Hangzhou. We are off to the train in a few hours. We had a decent night sleep last night and are pretty much on the right time zone now. Jeremy did wake me in the middle of the night to set the alarm clock. LOL, that is very ironic to this sleep deprived mama and oh so very Jeremy. Things are going so well I hope my anxiety about today's train is unfounded, maybe they are worlds better, just like the rest of the city is :)

Ready, Set, Go!

2012-02-27T16:54:00.004-05:00

Packed bags - Check
Showered with love twice - Check
Approved entry visas - Check
TA - Sorta Check (we pick it up in province from our guide on Gotcha Day!!! eeek)
Hotels - Sorta Check (we have 2 of the 4, but most importantly we have the first one, a place to go after the plane)
Car seats installed - Check
Paperwork done and packed - Check
Nursery - Check
Two excited parents - Check
One unsure big brother - Check

The Nursery

The Shower

Heart is so jet lagged

2012-02-22T18:36:00.002-05:00

What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin' for the phone to ring
It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don't even wanna be in this town
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy

You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I'll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I've been keepin' busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sun rising
I miss you so bad

So we are down to single digit count down till take off, 7 days (only 4 more work days). You would think in the home stretch that things would be peachy. But I still miss her every second. In addition I am also (pre)missing my baby boy who we are leaving home with grandma. I am most looking forward to March 16th when FINALLY my whole little family will be in my arms and in one time zone. I wonder what it will feel like? What will the absence of sorrow, longing, wanting and waiting feel like? They have been my constant companions for so very, very long now. I can hardly imagine what it feels like to be waiting for NOTHING!!!!

On that note we are still waiting on our travel approval. Yep, 7 days till we are on a plane and we have no approval. Trying not to loose sleep over that... HA! It is about 45 days late (aka has taken 210% longer then it should have. So no one is sleeping in this house. Bring it on jet lag, I am so ready to function on less than 2 hours sleep, I am a pro now.

Shout out!

2012-02-16T17:30:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to give a shout out to the company I used for our latest update. They were amazing with me and all my emotions and I really feel they went above and beyond. They were prompt, had great English and helped me to navigate the whole interaction. Their prices can't be beat. They are new to this business and I know that it is hard to trust some one new, but I want you to know that they get a gold star from me. Thanks Gretchen and Lillian!
http://www.chinaadoptionhelp.com/

Only 16 days till travel!

2012-02-13T17:06:00.002-05:00

So travel is now in a category that I would actually call "soon". We leave on March 1st and we will take custody some time between the 3rd and 5th. One thing that is different then I thought it would be is that time is not flying by and even though the end is near, each day still drags and I think 16 days is still way too many. I am nearly ready to go, although the bags are not packed the lists are made and every thing is bought. I have started painting the nursery and the clothes are all hung in the closet. My baby shower is at the end of the month, and we have just jammed every spare minute with things to do, both chores and fun. I planned this mad rush with the intention of making this last month fly by. I would say it is only barely walking.
I do think a lot about leaving squeaker at home and how much I am going to miss him. I am trying to prepare him for our absence, but I am not sure how much I can. We have never been apart more than a couple of days, so he can not even comprehend what 2 weeks could mean.
I am also fantasizing about meeting baby girl. I know this is dangerous to some degree because I KNOW this is not going to be a fantasy for any one. Every time I catch my self daydreaming I try to shake my self out of it by imaging the exact opposite. So now my greatest hope is that she will let one of her parents hold her. She can cry or bite or kick or what ever as long as we can hold her while she does it. I know even this is a tall order. But that is my new day dream, I am holding her all googly eyed and she is screaming like a banshee.

I may have mentioned that I had this little niggling feeling that I have a brown eyed girl waiting out there for me some where. My husband thinks this is our last child, but I have been seeing some things that let me know that his tough exterior is not as finite as he wants me to believe. He stopped me from giving away our jolly jumper and bouncy seat! AHHH Ha!
So that leads me back to my brown eyed girl... you see I only ever really needed one daughter, I would welcome a swarm of them, but one is just perfect too. I have decided a few things, firstly I would never adopt internationally from any where but China, and domestic foster care is also an option. Here is the thing though, with the way China stands now, if we got back in line again and only changed our gender preference, if we opened up to boys I think we could adopt an infinite amount of times and still only get blonde boys. That is exciting, that the wait could be really short next time. At this moment I think there are 3 boys with albinism who are waiting that we would qualify for. Unfortunately they seem to always be on the list waiting several months even though they are very young, and cute as can be! So why did I think that there was a brown eyed girl in my future? Better yet why could I not shake the vision of her??? I love my family of blondies, and I love the idea of a bunch of blonde boys too, so why the nagging feeling?
Well I finally get it. My husband reminded me that our grandkids would most likely be dark haired since albinism is recessive. You may remember that my mom had a very clear vision of her granddaughter, insisting that she would have white hair and chubby with big round cheeks. Now I get it, I am invisioning Elora's daughter, my granddaughter!!! Our family is only clairvoyant when it comes to grand kids.

How does she do it? Part 2

2012-02-08T13:25:00.003-05:00

Welcome to part 2 of how to cheat and cut corners like me, in order to create a better, work/life balance.

It really does take a village

That is the saying and it's true, child rearing was never meant to be a one woman job. I am not saying that it can't be done that way, many mamas are doing this solo with flying colors. I am just saying its more fun and easier if you have the fortune of following the village approach instead. My village is made up of three main pillars of support.

1. My husband. He is AMAZING. He does most of the cleaning and I do all of the cooking and we split the child rearing half and half. Although I do more hours in a day he really does many hours as well and he is also much better at getting those quality hours to count. I have heard that some husbands can't be left alone with their own children?!?! That they can't cope for even a day. Hog wash! If this is you, get that man into baby boot camp ASAP.
Your mate is your biggest untapped resource for creating more free time for yourself. They are after all near by and will benefit most from a well rested mama. If what I hear around town holds true they are also not measuring up to their true potential. Real men change diapers, steam mop (click here to see the sexiest man alive) and they don't moan about having to do it either. I can guarantee that the men who are complaining to their buddies about how little sex they are having since the kids came are the exact some ones who's wives are always complaining about how little gets done around the house. If I have any male readers let me just tell you now the secret to post baby sex... do the dishes every day with out being asked. A mother has a different definition of romance now than when you were wooing her back in college. Sure flowers are lovely but a house that cleaned it's self while I was having a coffee with the girls.... HOT DAMN!!!!

2. My mom. I am lucky that she lives close enough to make vising easy but not too close as to drive me nuts. My mom rocks, and maybe you only really realize these things after you have kids yourself. My mom is so good at being a mothers helper/grandma that I have her out on loan to several of my other mom friends when they need a hand. She is a full time grandparent, so she is very available. That helps us to keep a tiny bit of spontaneity in our life and also time for luxury items like date nights. She will even take the baby when we are both dying of food poisoning... and then again when we had norwalk virus.

3. My mama posse. This is a group of hand selected carefully vetted moms. In case you have not noticed, there are a lot of mean girls in the world, and when you enter motherhood they are still there but they are often in sheep's clothing... aka hard to detect. It does not take much to be in my posse, the main criteria is live and let live. Rule 1 You do not need to agree with me, what you do need to do is keep it to your self and also not care that we disagree. There are soooo many choices today's parents make, and soooooo many experts that are going to back each of us up. In the end you are not going to convince me, nor am I going to change you, so just drop it and don't wince every time I give my 2.5 year old a bottle. That's just how it's gonna be at my house, get over it. Rule 2, no comparsies. I don't care who walked faster, talked more, counted first. In the end it really does not matter one lick. Our children will be who they are and there is very little we can do, that we aren't already doing, to change it. The simple point is that I let go of the idea that my children should be the best at any thing. I am parenting special needs child(ren), their happiness is the only success I measure. Rule 3 Don't gossip, don't judge, don't offer unsolicited advice.
So once you are in the posse you have an amazing resource at your finger tips. The posse provides, play time for the kids, girl time for the mamas and a safe haven to really be real and really be you.

4. My toddler. He is a cleaning machine. He loves it. He is able to:

load the dishwasher - quite a bit of supervision and assistance still required

load washing machine and dryer - very little supervision required, I just do the soap for him
Swiffer and mop - no supervision required although I do direct him to spots he missed

I am very happy about this since I feel I am contributing to another generation of new and improved males who know how to keep a house, home and family. I was surprised at how fast and eagerly he picked things up, in a few short months he was taking over my chore and actually being a real help to me. I look forward to giving him more chores once his sister comes home too.

There is much too much judging going on in the world, the media and in our selves. Mom's are under a LOT of pressure. I think most of it is coming from an internal place, but it never hurts to limit your exterior pressures as well. Ditch that parenting magazine, or that friend who can only look down her nose at you. Have confidence in your own ability to raise the kid that only you really know. Do what ever you need to do to make yourself happy and the rest of the house hold will benefit. I hope that my honesty in these posts and on this blog will inspire you to cheat more and have more fun doing it.

P.S. I do realize that many of these tips are counter to the attachment process. I will keep you posted on how my style develops with the new challenges that lay before us.

Saying yes and meaning no...

2012-02-01T16:15:00.004-05:00

Or was it saying no and meaning yes????

After a long, confusing and exhausting series of conversations though 3rd parties with Elora's orphanage we were given new photos. With all the language and cultural differences this process was at times very worrisome, since we were asking a lot of the orphanage, when really we already owe them so much. I felt compelled to break the etiquette and ask the hard questions about her finding and to try to document any thing about her life to date that I could AND get permission to visit the orphanage. I knew it was not going as I had hoped and was truly worried that I was risking it all, but in the end I continued simply because I know one day I would have to answer to my daughter why I did not try, and because I was afraid to offend or because that is against the rules was not a good enough answer for me or for her.

I still feel uneasy about the whole situation, obviously no one likes to perceived as rude or bossy, but I guess I will just have to learn to live with those perceptions because I am after all a Tiger Mom now. So with out further ado, new photos of the cutest little tiger girl there ever was, my sweet baby girl.

How does she do it? Part 1

2012-01-29T18:53:00.003-05:00

Since no one wants to hear me whine about the wait. And since I can't talk about the wait with out whining, (even the good things, like booking our plane tickets!) I am going to talk about something completely diffrent.
There has been a lot of talk around the mom blog universe about cutting your self some slack, ridding your self of the guilt, and just letting it be. Maybe I was born with no guilt gene, maybe it was because I came from a big family and kids are mostly second nature to me, but I have an amazing balance in my life. I have a real me, that is not associated with motherhood, I have pride and confidence in my mothering and I have a pretty great relationship with my husband as well. I am pretty sure I have all these things because of my one (not so)secret weapon.

I cheat.

Shhhh don't tell social services. I am a corner cutting, time saving, slacker, cheat. If there is a faster way to do it I do. My OCD husband calls it lazy. Maybe that is the true motivator, but who cares as long as the job gets (sort of) done. And here is the kicker ladies, I am proud of my cheating, the more corners I can cut the happier I am. The following are tips on how you can cheat and love it too. :)

Multitasking

Oviously if you can do more than one thing at a time you are two steps ahead. As moms this is something we are doing all the time, but there maybe more ways you can carry this skill forward. Here are some of my favourite ways to multitask.

Pole Dancing Fitness. Okay when you are done being shocked stop giggling and hear me out. Pole dancing is great exercise, it works every muscle in your body ever lifted yourself upside down into the splits? I have. It's fun and it's hard to do, so it's weight lifting and cardio together. Also it's small classes with only girls, I get a dose of girly girl time at each class, oh the things we talk about. Are you blushing yet? Also for me all that fun dancing around to sexy music usually makes me friskier than usual and that will help keep my relationship happy. This one hour class makes it my #1 multitasker because it gets four jobs done, all of which I have a real hard time getting done or finding time and energy for. This is a weekly escape that keeps mama happy, and that of course in turn keeps the whole family unit happy.
Slowcookers. Since your crock pot cooks all by it's self you can be doing any thing and still be cooking. Now when I said I cheat, one thing I don't like to cheat on is the food I feed my family. I like to home cook for them. But my definition of home cooking is pretty wide. I love pre-made sauces and keep a fridge stocked with them, I just pour some on frozen chicken toss it in the oven, microwave some rice and frozen veggies and voila, diner, home made. Here are some slow cooker tips to make an easy way to cook even easier. Any of those recipes that call for you to cook your meat or noodles before you put them in the slow cooker are really missing the whole point. I have successfully not cooked those things first in all those recipes by simply adding more liquid and/or increasing the cooking time or heat. I just wing it, and it usually works, maybe it's not as great as the original, but I'd never know because I am not going to take the time to do work my slow cooker should be doing for me! Ever. Another great tip is to toss in your meat frozen, if you have to leave it unattended for more than 6 hours I would recommend that, it keeps your meat more tender and the ice melts and keeps your sauce from drying out too much.
Communal bath/showers. We shall see how this works with multiple kids, but I love to just toss the toddler in the shower with me. I have been doing this since he was tiny, he would sit in the bumbo while I had my shower. We still bath together too. Now you may be thinking, but my shower is my time, I don't want to share. I agree, and that is why I only wash the kids once a week. Okay I told you not to tell the social workers! They get a sponge bath all the time, I love baby wipes. I just only do the all out sudsy dunk'em type weekly. I swear my kid is not gross because of it, and his skin does not dry out. They are also such a novelty to him I use them as the biggest bribe and he will happily splash for a good hour, while I listen to my ipod.

That's all for now, but I have more tips to share. Stay tuned.

Changed

2012-01-18T17:29:00.002-05:00

Somewhere at some point in this journey, this wait, I changed. On a fundamental, cellular, massive level I changed. But I guess I didn't know I was changing, until just now when I looked back and saw how different I am. I used to be so angry, I used to be so closed, I used to be defensive and judgmental. Along the way maybe first I started to not like those things in others, and then they also somehow started to melt away from me.
I have always welcomed adversity, I believe strongly that it has made in me the qualities I admire most in my self. I wanted my parenting experience to be full of adversity, and I wanted that for my husband and my children too. I know that makes me wierd, that I don't feel like my children should only ever have sunshine and lollipops. But I guess you just don't really get it until you have seen your own strength and the power that can have on your whole existence. You never want it when you are in it, but after it can be so rewarding.
So I am just realizing now that the wait is one of these rewarding adversaries that I value. I am so impressed with the transformation it has brought me.
The best part is that I know this is just the beginning of my transformation. There is so much more now that I know I want and that I know I can do and I feel like I am just beginning to understand what is TRULY important, and every other thing is just melting away.

I am no super hero, I still ache every minute of every day for my daughter. Nothing is soothing my pain and I do not expect any thing will ever, but I know that I am learning and growing and that in of its self is cause for awe, pride and respect.

Rough day

2012-01-09T13:57:00.002-05:00

Okay warning I am emotional today and I am sick and full of cold pills. But still the real me would not let those previous mentioned items interfier with a normal day. But the thing is I am not my normal self right now.

First I thought I was crazy because I have been waking up in the middle of the night because I "hear" a baby crying. Not my son's cry because I know that one, it's a different cry. I wake up, I feel sad, I miss baby girl and then I go back to sleep.

We had sent another care package on Christmas day and we were very disappointed to hear back that we would not be getting any updates or photos because it was "too soon". I was counting on new photos to get me through January. Any ways today we did get some answers to some of the questions we asked. I had asked if Elora was doing any thing new since we sent the last package. They told me that she is now calling for Mama.

Yep. That is the sound of my heart breaking.

I am a mess today. I try to tell myself what good news this is that she is learning and developing. We sent her an album with all our photos in it to help her prepare for the big day, maybe she is even thinking of our faces when she asks for Mama, maybe it means we will not be such a shock to her when we see her for the first time. Maybe she is just trying out new sounds and it means nothing.

Or maybe my baby needs me half a world away and I feel it and she feels it and there is nothing I can do.

Since I read that email I have not gone a single hour with out crying. I am hopping this just needs to get out of my system and that tomorrow I can wait with a tiny amount of patience again.

Mommy hears you. Mommy's coming.

The year in review

2012-01-04T16:54:00.003-05:00

I have been answering these same questions about the new year for 15 years now. Ya some of the questions sound like something a teen would ask... I considered looking for a new list, but my love of tradition and consistency won out and voila, this year's year in review:

1.What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

I became a full time driver with a licence and car and everything.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't think I wrote down any resolutions, so I am not sure if I got them done or not.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Seems like a lot of people close to me did, lots of babies in my universe these days.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No one close to me did, but there were some children who I never met who I read about only, and they died, and it was shattering for me. I guess it is always so sad when life ends too early.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just my mountains in NY.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Last year I wished for more time, and I got it. I got the good part of time and I got the hard part of time too. This year I wish for peace. Peace in my heart, patience and an end to the soul sucking waiting.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Getting the call that baby girl was allowed to be ours. I have never sighed so deeply in all my life. I also did not know that a person could hold their breath for 2 whole days, but after those words I took what felt like my first breath in 48 hours.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Last years statement of "the rare day I got 3 square meals into Emery and neither of us cried." still holds true and high on my list of achievements. I have had a lot of success at work this year too. I came to be pretty proud and confident about my skills, after years of being pretty ambivalent towards work, I got pretty pumped this year about the impact I have made.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I have not managed to live in the moment and smell the roses this year. I have wished too many of my days away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I have been pretty darn healthy. I credit my lax attitude towards germs.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I really curbed my shopping this year, I did not buy much of any thing. I am really happy with Emery's new bed and the crib sheets I got for Elora, both awesome deals and exactly what I had been dreaming of.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Jack Layton. Completely unjust that he died, life can be sucky.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Bunch of people showed me their true colours this year. Worst part is that this is just the start of more to come I think.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Savings.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My first updated photos of Elora.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Jet Lag - Simple Plan

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? Same

iii. richer or poorer? Same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

travelling yes this has been on my wish list for too many years now :(

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Fretting

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We had a lot of celebrations leading up to Christmas and then we were just complete sloths the rest of the time. I enjoyed it. Emery really got the whole idea of the holiday this year. It was really great, but I missed baby girl so many times.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I fell in love with my Elora.

23. How many one-night stands?

Zero, that was so 2001. See what I mean about the irrelevant questions :)

24. What was your favorite TV program?

I think I liked True Blood best this year, or So you think you can dance, because I love love love watching this as a family.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I have not been with out hate this year. It's typically not my style, but I have been short on patience this year. Real short.

26. What was the best book you read?

Silent Tears by Kay Bratt so valuable to me and left my heart, mind and stomach in knots.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Just how many love songs apply to my love for my kids.

28. What did you want and get?

I got our match with Elora, and I got welcomed with open arms into the sisterhood of adoptive moms. You know we all start this journey from worlds apart, but there is something about the wait that bridges all gaps and unifies the mothers who wait. You gals have been my insight, my rock, my saviours, my cheerleaders and the ones who just get it. I have never been in a sorority before but now I feel like I am and I am so glad to be there.

29. What did you want and not get?

Nothing at all.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Mao's last dancer was pretty good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32 and we had an amazing night out at Cirque du Soleil. Followed by date night at a murder mystery diner theatre. It was a great birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

If we had got Elora home for Christmas. A girl can dream right?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I went for sexy granny and "vintage" finds to make a work look that was uniquely me and fit my budget.

34. What kept you sane?

This blog.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jack Layton

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The federal election.

37. Who did you miss?

I missed Elora. I was just full of missing her, before I ever knew her, and still more now.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Stacy!!! and Amy!!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

I have immeasurable strength, just when I thought I could not do it any more, I did, and then I did something even harder the next day. I felt so weak so many times, but I really want to remember this lesson, because I think I will need it in 2012.

Happy New Year!!!

LOA in 19 Days.

2012-01-02T19:12:00.003-05:00

Yes you read that correctly, we were notified that our LOA (LSC) had arrived via an email from our agency on Christmas Eve. No kidding, that was the best gift I ever got. After I picked my jaw off the floor and read and re-read the email a thousand times, I just could not believe the speed of it. I sort of did not even believe it was real until I had the original in my hot little hands yesterday. Hence the late post on this. I think the explanation for the supper fast speed was that my file was working it's way through the pile the whole time we were waiting for a match. We had a record breaking long wait on that end, so I guess that explains the record short wait on this end. Now we just wait for a travel date (TA) and then we book flights!
I am trying to keep busy but post holiday blues have hit home and the next 60(ish) days loom before me like a prison sentence.

Love Songs to my girl

2011-12-28T14:31:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl2MgaDvSdI
"Favorite Adventure"
There you are
Your beauty consoles me
I've gone far
And I almost didn't find you
And I almost lived without you
There is nothing in this world
I'd rather do
Than live for you
Here we go,
Our favorite adventure
You should know
I was never more complete
And I never thought I'd see
The meaning of my life
Wrapped in you
Next to me
If you ever fear
Someday we might lose this
Come back here
To this moment that will last
And time can go so fast
When everything's exactly
Where it's at
Its very best

Another Great post from Amy Eldrige

2011-12-27T19:10:00.001-05:00

What to Expect When You Are Adopting (from China)
By Amy Eldridge (Love Without Boundaries) I wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that there are just as many parents who are not online reading everything they can find on adoption as are.
There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage. Parents who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat… and on and on and on. While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), and “she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I “live” China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case. I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me. Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more. All children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in an orphanage of course increases the odds. I think the easy out is to say that agencies and social workers have to “do more”. I think most of them try to give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents traveling to China soon and realize they are not prepared. One family adopting from our (LWB) foster care program was told that their child was DEEPLY attached to the foster mom. The father said, "I guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that this little girl was about ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they might see her spark, but that she would probably grieve a long time after that as well. I think many adoptive parents just don't want to read the "bad stuff". Ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues. When I was pregnant with my children I would read "What to Expect When Expecting". When I reached the chapter about Cesarean sections I always skipped it. Each and every time I would jump to the next chapter as "that wasn't going to happen to me". An emergency Cesarean Section during the labor of my fifth baby, made me wish I had read that chapter! When they were strapping my hands to the operating room table, it was too late to educate myself about Cesarean sections. I felt complete panic when I could have been prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth. It is easy to only read the happy stories but I encourage every family to read the hard ones as well. If you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you have learned in the past will help you make the right decision for your family during those first very emotional few days. I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in China worried about their children. I agree that having a support network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have more serious issues than originally reported. That is a hard thing for a parent to arrive in China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has serious mental delays. I think everyone on both the China and international side would agree it is absolutely wrong of an orphanage not to be honest in their reports. No one would excuse that. I also know without a doubt the majority of children who are disrupted are only suffering from institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It is always a very sad day for everyone involved when a child they know is absolutely fine, perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed". I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth that everyone must realize is a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China. All of their experiences are shaping who they are. The vast majority of aunties that I have met in China are kind and caring people. However it is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living in an orphanage would affect her at all". Those statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage? Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man to make our children's lives as ideal as possible. Parents can have two way video monitors so when baby awakens not only can mommy see to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one second where he feels alone. How many new parents would have a newborn and then put that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever really ate? Of course no one would do that. We feed newborns on demand, comfort on demand, love continuously. Whether people want to recognize it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution, even when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night I took some volunteers for the night shift in an orphanage. Normally just a few aunties are working at that time. One mom looked at me with tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely impossible to feed, comfort, and soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was aching to realize that her own daughter likely had many times where she cried without someone to comfort her. She told me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter had such a deep seated fear of being out of her mom's sight. The aunties are trying their best, but it doesn't equal mother/child care. I remember being in a northern orphanage this past winter. The aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were swaddled so tight they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the orphanage. The aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing there. I was cold in my wool coat. The babies couldn't have only 1-2 layers on though that would give them the ability to move their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so all of those kids have weak muscle tone. The aunties were truly trying their best. When a parent is given one of those beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room with concern and say "She can't sit up by herself. She can't put weight on her legs". That is the truth. However she also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.
To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause lower body weights, low muscle tone, and/or inability to make good eye contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The one thing I have learned over and over about the children in China is they are fighters and survivors. For some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.
Recently, one of our medical babies we had met several times in person was adopted. We all knew this child was a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt. She was not what they expected. When they called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon arrival in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved, I still feel this was the right decision. It was done in the best interest of the child, who had waited a long time for a family. I wish more agencies would advocate for the child. Especially when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the child. Instead they seem to give in to the parents. Recently with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new baby. Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was rejected has now been labeled "mentally challenged" even though the agency knew the child was really going to be okay. I think all of us, who realize that delays occur and babies can usually overcome them, should be the children's advocates. We should continually try to educate new parents on what to expect in China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might stop a future disruption. I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart. It is my life's work. I want every family who adopts to do so with their eyes open and as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.

it'd be Christmas if you were here

2011-12-22T21:17:00.003-05:00

I am slightly obsessed with this song by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. She gets Canadian winters, and some how she is singing the song of every waiting mama this year. It's a new song, otherwise I would link the video. You will have to find it on itunes for now, or just trust me that it is the perfect amount of melancholy. I never knew Christmas could be so sad, until part of my heart was in another country.

cold, its just cold and its not fun any more
it's a hassle to fight the through crowds at the store
there's a tree in the den and a wreath on the door but i've lost interest
somethings different
if you were here i'd hear the bells
i'd join in with the neighbours singing chistmas carols
i'd make hot chocolate and gingerbread
keep the oven on till every one was fed
i know its not really like me to be bitter, its just winter
but it'd be christmas if you were here

if you were here i'd here the bells
ya it'd be cozy, not so lonely
if you were here i'd hear the bells

Come what may,

2011-12-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace. There’s no mountain too high no river too wide, storm clouds may gather, stars may collide but I will love you until the end of time.
My husband and I danced to that song on our wedding night. Back when he was the centre of my universe. Thankfully that universe has expanded as we grew a family. This may sound strange but I think the most special part of having our son was how it changed my love for my husband. Something changed in him in that moment our baby was placed in his arms, he grew in an instant to become this incredible man. He has always been a great guy who I loved, needed, trusted. It was just something in that moment though that was an absolute magical mystical moment, and my love for him doubled. In the days, weeks, months and years that have followed it continues to grow as I watch my lover become the world’s best dad.
To my great joy it is happening again. Since the moment of our referral my husband is metamorphosing into an even more incredible dad. He has been my rock throughout this past month, he has calmly guided me through all my emotions with the steady hand he has always given me. I have fallen for him all over again watching him plan “in secret” his Christmas gift for her. When he defended her like a lion and when we stared at her photos together for the millionth time. The best is yet to come. I can’t wait to witness all the thousands of special daddy daughter moments our future holds.
People have believed that he was a reluctant husband, they have misinterpreted his silent calm as passiveness. There have been times I wondered myself if we were truly on the same page. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that we are totally in step on this journey, you need only look into his eyes when he says his daughter’s name and you would know it too. He loves me enough not just to allow me my dreams, but he loves us enough to make them his dreams too. So we love him, more and more each day.
Only my true star twin could travel this journey with me.

Moments like this that make me so happy to be a mommy.

2011-12-20T17:45:00.003-05:00

Conversation with Emery yesterday:
Mommy: Emery let's think about what gift we want to give our friends, what would make them smile? What should we get William?
Emery: Dora.
M: And what should we get Noah?
E: A big white buba (translation: a milk filled bottle)
M: And what about Scarlett?
E: She wants Emmy, Emmy, Emmy, she says Emmy all the time. (translation: Scarlett calls Emery Emmy, so he wants to give her the gift of himself)
M: And what should we get baby sister?
E: She needs a daddy. She misses daddy.

Made me choke up.

Told this story 5 times already, still choking up each time.

Learning all that I can about Wenzhou. And documenting it here so I don't forget.

2011-12-19T13:45:00.004-05:00

In the ancient times, Wenzhou was called “Ou City”. When the Qin dynasty unified China, Wenzhou came under Minzhong Prefecture. In 192 B.C., it became the territory of Zou Yao, the king of East Ou. In 138 A.D., Dongou Town in Xizhang’an County became Yongnin County, the first county set in Wenzhou. In 323, Yongjia Prefecture grew out of four counties which are Yongning, Angu, Hengyang and Songyang in the south of Xilinhai Prefecture. It was the beginning of Wenzhou. In 662, Dongjia State was established and in 675, the emperor set a state called “Wenzhou”. The name remains the same and so does the territory. After the 1911 Revolution on November 8th a Branch of Zhejiang Military Government was established in Wenzhou.

In June 1914, Ouhai Dao was established and with government office set in Yongjia County, it governed Wenzhou and Chuzhou Prefectures together. In 1932, the Administrative Supervision District was established. Wenzhou District was initially called as No. 10 County Administrative Supervision District with office set in Yongjia County before changing its name for several times.

On May 7th 1949, Wenzhou was liberated peacefully and Wenzhou Military Control Commission was established at the same time. In the same year on August 26th, Wenzhou City was established. After the establishment of China, its name and the counties under it changed few times. In September 1981, Wenzhou District and Wenzhou City were merged into Wenzhou City.

Wenzhou is renowned as the “City of Clothes” and the “City of Shoes”. Not only the styles of the clothes and the shoes are new and fashion, but also the price is very low. The main streets of the old downtown area, such as Chan Street, Wuma Street, Park Road, Chengxi Street, Jiefang Road, Shengli Road and Fuqian Road, and the Wenzhou Trade City almost become the sea of clothes and the world of shoes. If time permits, wandering in the night markets may bring surprising to travelers.

The landscape in Wenzhou is known for its finest scenery consisting of many famous mountains and beautiful lakes and is the famous one in southeast China. It has national level important scenic spots like Yandang Mountain, Nanxi River, Baizhangji and Feiyun Lake and national natural reserves like Wuyanling Mountain and the Nanji Island. The total land area of the scenic spots including small and big comes around 2279 square kilometers and occupies 20% of the entire city.

Wenzhou is one of the most suitable residences for human beings on the west coast of the Pacific Ocean.

http://www.chinatouronline.com/china-travel/wenzhou/wenzhou-attractions/Yandang-Mountain_802.html

“Rice molding” also named “powder molding”, is the unique folk craft of Wenzhou, is famous along with the north “noodle molding”. Choose the boiled rice dumpling as the material, kneading, pinching, nipping, carving, making, and take various of colors to refine the crafts of human, dragon and phoenix, flower bird, animals shapes, after dyed the colors, it looks of the same resemblance.

Wenzhou rice molding have long-distance history, according to the record, it has appeared in Song Dynasty. Mostly used in old people’s birthday party, wedding, feast banquet and sacrifices to Buddha. Chongyang cake is easy to find, especially the peach cake in “Lanjiefu” in lunar March, numerous of drama player shape with different gesture, looks very lively.

Adoption Etiquette 101:

2011-12-19T13:38:00.004-05:00

Hi friends read and reference this post to learn more about the PC ways to discuss adoption. A lot has changed in the past decade, adoption is no longer taboo but it’s still a long way from being sensitive to the children and families involved. We know you never intend to offend, but here are some handy tips to help you. Thanks!

1. I, just like many of you, look at my daughter's beautiful face and I am filled with wonder, awe and cosmic flutters. She is just so perfect, it seems as though she was always meant to be ours. It is important to remember however that when an adopted child hears that this was meant to be they can interpret those words to mean that their loss and hardships were deserved. That being with out parents all these months was meant to be for her, not for every other child she knows, but for her. She may wonder if she was being punished by the fates. Instead we say "How magical is it that our adoption agency selected such a perfect match for us." Bob at our agency is 100% responsible for not only selecting this child for us, but he also played a critical role in getting Ontario to approve this match. He is renowned for the amazing matches made for countless families, he really deserves all the credit :)

2. Birth parents AKA first parents are not a dirty word in our house. They are not a secret, or evil, or bad, or heartless. They are cherished and honoured members of our family, even though we do not know who they are.

3. You may have never heard the word Albinism before, let alone used it in a sentence. No worries, we had not either! The most important thing is that we do not want Elora to be defined by her special need. We say Elora has Albinism rather than Elora is Albino. Just like it is more polite to say my friend has Cancer rather than my friend is Cancerous, the same applies to Elora and her medical need. When people are still confused, I will also let them know she has a medical condition that causes a complete lack of pigmentation. We have also had curious folk ask if she will have red eyes like a bunny that lacks pigment. Go take a look at her new photos to see her beautiful steely blue eyes. P.S. Humans with Albinism never have red eyes though some do have violet.

4. The topic of luck. Elora is not lucky because there is nothing lucky about losing your first family, country, language and culture. However you can say “It is so lucky you found each other” or “We are all lucky to live in Canada, where health care is free and does not determine your ability to care for your child” or “Damn Sylvia and Jeremy are so lucky they have the most awesome/cute/well mannered kids!”

All I want for christmas is you.

2011-12-17T22:32:00.002-05:00

I just miss my girl

2011-12-13T16:19:00.002-05:00

I miss my girl. The excitement is wearing off and the wait has sunk down on me hard. I am 17,715 km away from her. No problem, according to google maps it suggests that I simply "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean" for a mere 4436 km. No really, no joke. Google predicts that if I drive to California with my kayak in hand I will reach baby girl in 37 days and 18 hours. So that hardly gets me there any faster, plus there is the whole risk of sharks and pirates. Sigh. Back to waiting.
Another impact on my mood is that we found Elora's finding ad online. I want other mom's to know that it is indeed possible, difficult, but possible to find it on your own. Not every one gets lucky with this but I am very grateful to the mamas on the journey ahead of me who coached me though it. We are keeping the details private. But I will say that I was not prepared for the sadness I experienced in seeing her finding ad. A real deep hurt filled my heart and I hurt for her. The glossy glow of match day got a wake up call. As exciting as this is for me, it's not at all for her. Again something I have always known, but now I am starting to truly get it.
I have also been bombarded with stupid comments/questions from people at work. I get it, we are odd, we are adopting, we don't "need" to, we chose China, we chose special needs, she has a special need that is visible and that many people don't understand. I know I have a life time of dealing with people who have no filter. I get that because we are visibly odd to you, you think we should have that fact called to our attention. I am handling it okay in the moment, but after I just get so sad that baby girl will have to deal with this EVERY day of her life, just simply because people are mean/ignorant/rude. I don't really like people as a whole, I have a very low tolerance for rudeness, and I have no tolerance for rudeness to my babies. I totally get why some parents move to a city where they are not the only trans-racial family on the block, because how can I let baby girl ever have one day like the one I had today. I know I need to go through this to learn how to teach her how to cope. But as a mother you just wish you could shield your kids from every thing. I just want to yell at every one: come on let her be, hasn't she suffered enough already, can't you just let her belong here. Please just welcome her, with out question, just welcome her.

Totally Smitten.

2011-12-06T17:43:00.004-05:00

We got new photos of Elora today from a care package I sent out yesterday! That just blew away any whisper of doubt I may have still had. I am head over heals in LOVE!

We got Pre approval

2011-12-05T12:45:00.002-05:00

We got pre-approval today (PA) and that means three things.
1. China is now reviewing our file for this specific child
2. We can send a care package (s) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We hope to get new photos from these packages.
3. We are about to enter into the longest most unpredictable part of the wait. The wait for LOA. This is the final approval from China that she is really ours. Theoretically this is just a formality, although questions may arise from our file that they require more info on. The wait is between 45 to 157 days currently and there is no rhyme or reason from what any one can tell about why the wait can vary so much. But the count down is on we can only hope that we get in the fast lane and get approval in record short time.

Match day went down like this...

2011-12-03T06:45:00.005-05:00

Firstly totally not at all like I expected. But here is the play by play:

So match day was Tuesday, and Monday night I managed to sleep more than any other match day, because of 1. Vodka and 2. no hope of a match at all, but still did not sleep well at all. As Tuesday moved along I checked my email every half hour and kept my cell phone on me but by 12:30 I officially gave up and went out to lunch with the girls at work to help me get on with my day. I noted to them how this month was easier than it had ever been, I really was in a good, not happy, but fine place. After lunch I went to a few meetings and did some actual work (rare for me on a matchless day in the past), on my afternoon break at 3:00 I checked my hotmail account one more time, more to see if any of my other waiting mommies would be making an announcement and there it was. An email from my social worker that had arrived at 1:48 pm. It simply said, "Child Proposal, I got a package from FOI call me." I was (oddly enough) alone in my cubicle pod when I read the message and I gasped and I squeaked a bit but over all not as blubbery as predicted. I called Jeremy and told him first, he was very calm and told me to call the social worker, oh right, duh. I did not have her number. He did not have her number. About 10 minutes of frantic google and email archive searching finally produces her number. A co-worker returns to the pod and finds me acting odd, I tell her this is it (!) and make the call. Social worker's husband answers the phone, no she is not home, no he's not sure when I can reach her, no he does not have her cell phone number, try back in an hour. OMG
I excuse myself from work, shriek a little bit more, call my mom and BFF, pick Em up from daycare and rush home to call back.
I get her on the phone and she says all cool and calm, I have a child to propose, I ask her to come to the house ASAP to do the proposing (I thought that is how it had to go). She says, well just look at the file, think about it, talk to your doctor and call me back in a few days. "I am pretty sure we don't have that much time" I stammer. "No you have five days, not to worry" She replies. FYI we really only had until noon on Thursday. More confusion continues as she thinks I got the same email from FOI that she did at 8:04 AM, but I got nothing but that previously mentioned email from her. No calls or messages to the 7 other methods of contact I had sent her the week before either. ARG! Then she says, well she is a 15 month old girl. "15 months??? but how can that be? Ontario's 18 month rule will only allow us an 11 month old this month?" now I am really confused. She just says that it is nothing to worry about, yet I am still worried.
I get off the phone and check my email to find the file from FOI forwarded to me and the first thing I see is a cute face of a little girl and I think "gee, she is cute, but there is no way that I can have her." I had the same reaction that I have to countless other referral photos I have seen on blogs, RainbowKids, and other photo listings. So sweet, but not mine, wish she was, but she is not. I immediately email my social worker back and ask her to please triple check that there is truly no issue with her age. I am pretty sure there is, and I am not so confident in her judgment in this moment due to the 5 day comment from a few minutes ago. Although I am pretty positive this is not my child I follow through with the next step of the match plan, and email Dr. Janista to get a better understanding of her health. Surprisingly she calls me back to do the evaluation in under an hour, great! Except, I am home alone with a cranky toddler who is really acting up and will not eat unless I feed him, and only with the horsey spoon that is missing because he tossed it in the dog bed of all places while I was trying to take notes and listen to the Dr. Siiiiiigh. Any ways the results of the Dr's evaluation are all very positive, she is in very good health considering her living situation, she is hitting all milestones and is in the smack dab of the growth carts. Great I tell my self, but she is 15 months old. So she can not possibly be mine.
Meanwhile back on the forums, my cry out for help has brought me oodles of replies from others who have fought the 18 month rule and won. Gather your tiger mom courage and fight for your girl they tell me, you can do it! Well, I have no fight left in me, and I am not sure this is my girl. I am pretty sure no one is going to let me have her no matter what I think or feel about it. I think back to what another mom said that turning down a referral is not hard at all when you know that it simply was not possible to accept it. That is how I feel.
My husband finally arrives home and we review the file and the Dr's notes together. He has questions, he is quiet. I tell him that I am pretty sure despite what every one has told me so far, that Ontario will not allow this. He convinces me other wise, tells me to trust in the people who got us this far. So, slowly, ever so slowly we start to think this could really be it. I open her photo and we just stare at her, we zoom in on all the tiny details of her hair, eyes, toes... and we think okay lets just get some rest and then come to a decision in the morning. I check my email one last time only to find an alarming response to my question I posed my social worker earlier. Turns out when she did triple check for me, the exact wording of our child request in our home study combined with the fact that this child was outside the ministry guidelines was in fact a big problem. It is near midnight at this point, but I know that our agency takes calls at all hours near match time, so we called. Basically they thought we could get this through the ministry when they made the match for us because he thought we were with this other social worker who has an amazing track record for getting these waivers. No, I tell him, we have the social worker who did not send us the file until 5PM even though she got it at 8AM because she thinks we have 5 days to make this decision. This is her first special needs adoption. Well, the agency's tone went from that of calm-reassuring-of-crazed-new-parent-with-typical-jitters to that of serious concern. We quickly devised a plan. 1. Husband and I had to make our 100% commitment to this child by the crack of dawn. (we just lost another 30 hours of thinking time, making this decision in about 12 hours, of which usually 8.5 of them were typically reserved for sleeping) 2. Call social worker in the morning express our interest and encourage her to call FOI for coaching. 3. FOI coaches social worker, we have been told ultimately it is all in her hands, the power of her influence and argument are our only chance to get this approved. We love her, but these words do not fill us with confidence, AT ALL 4. Social worker makes the call and we need the go ahead before Thursday at noon, it is currently 11am on Wednesday. The timeline is another hurdle, have you ever got any thing from a government office in that time frame? Nope, we had not either, that is until this day... we got the approval at 3pm Wednesday. That's it she is ours.

She is ours? Really? For keeps? No jokes? I have a toddler??? And she is blonde???

And I have not slept in 2 days.

I looked at her photo again for the first time in 20 hours. Still not getting the "she's mine!" vibe. I feel badly about that. I also feel badly that I could not get all hyped up and fight till they let her be mine. I did that with Thailand, that was not even as real as this, yet I just could not do it. The odds seemed so stacked against us that it did not seem fair to us, my family, or to her, to fight and keep us all in limbo. Ultimately I had to just let it go and see if it was meant to be. But you have to know by now that control freak Sylvia has never done that in her life, at least not willingly. How was I at so much peace with letting go in THIS moment? I am still not sure, but it got me though those days, I survived them so calmly.

Now slowly a few days have past and some sleep has been had, and slowly she is becoming mine. ours, and I am seeing her in our family.

There have also been some other realizations that have lead her to feel more familiar, and finally ours.

Firstly, her need, albinism. Back in 2007 when I was planning for us to be in the China non special needs line up, I heard about albinism as a special need for the first time. I fell for a little girl on Rainbow Kids who had albinisim, she caught my eye because she looked so much like my husband. He is 1/4 Chinese and 3/4 french Canadian, he is the only one of his 50 cousins (who are also all 1/4) who is blonde with blue eyes. He has had to spend his whole life defending his Chineseness to even his own siblings who joke he is the mail man's son. He is the spitting image of his dad in fact, just different coloration. That was it, albinism seemed like some sort of cosmic fit for us. Ultimatly it was the photo of that girl who opened me up to special needs adoption. She planted that seed.

Secondly, when I looked back in my blog to see what we were doing on the day she was born, it turns out that was the day we decided to enter the China waiting child program. We had finished grieving Thailand, and found our heart lead back to China.

On her first birthday, I wrote on my blog my "match plan" and my worries about knowing from a file if the referral would really be my daughter. I was clearly thinking about her nonstop on her special day. :)

Also around her first birthday my mom had a dream, she told me of a chubby white haired baby who had squinty eyes, she said she was so sure that the dream was right and that this was our girl. I remember laughing and telling her no orphanage babies are chubby.... look who's laughing now!

Introducing Elora

2011-12-03T06:28:00.004-05:00

We are excited to announce that we received a match for a little girl who is currently 15 months old. The call came at 1:48 pm Tuesday, November 29th and we saw her photos for the first time later that evening. She is a very healthy girl who is developing well, at nine months she was crawling and sitting by herself. Elora also has Albinism (the medical term for a person who lacks pigment, sometimes called Albino). Yes, she is very blonde with bright blue eyes and she will turn into a lobster if not slathered in sun screen, in other words, she’s exactly like her Mom and Dad! She is living in an orphanage in the south east of China in Wenzhou City, in Zhejiang province. She is described as quiet, a deep sleeper, always has a ready smile and enjoys music. We hope to travel to China to pick her up in the early spring of 2012.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement throughout this loooooong journey.

More Photos comming soon. I think it's against China's rules to post a photo before PA, but here is a sneak peak any ways :) More to come too on how match day all went down. What a roller coaster ride, honestly we are still recovering from it, hence the MIA this week. But soon I promise.

Understanding the wait

2011-11-07T10:55:00.001-05:00

This past week I have been having some deep thinking about the wait. I have experienced the gamut of emotions, from envy, anger, fear , depression and frustration peppered with moments of hope.

In the process I remembered something from our PRIDE classes, an exercise we did regarding loss. We were each asked to think about loss we had suffered in our lifetime and use those feelings to create understanding and empathy for the loss our children suffer. I am no stranger to loss, but now I have another experience to add to this exercise.

I think for the first time I really understand what adoptees mean when they say that love is not enough. I understood that before like how you can understand the concept of heart surgery from a text book, but performing heart surgery is a totally different matter. Love is not enough to heal me, I am surrounded by love during this wait. I have my precious boy, my heart bursts with love for him, he cheers me beyond measure and makes this wait bearable, but still nothing can erase the pain of the wait completely. It is possible to dull it, but never to lose it. I really get how my baby girl will carry her pain somewhere in her forever, regardless of what we do. My wait is preparing me for that reality. Just as I hope my family will not take it personally when they are unable to chase these shadows from me, I will draw on that understanding and help little girl to know that it is okay to be sad about what she lost. I know that I will forever be sad for every single day of her life that I was not able to be in, she will be forever sad about those days too, when she was alone and for the what ifs and whys.

There is another harder part of the wait just around the corner, the part I fear the most. Once I see my precious girl’s photo I will have to wait 4 to 6 months before I can hold her. I was trying to tell someone the other day about how scared I am of this wait, how will I be able to know she is real and waiting and not go to her. It is against every mother’s instinct. In describing these feelings I said “it would be like giving birth and then leaving my baby at the hospital”. No sooner were the words out of my mouth then I had a light bulb moment. This part of the wait gave me my first real glimpse of what Elora’s first mother must be feeling right now. Empathy and understanding for our children’s first mothers can be the most difficult, each woman is coming towards motherhood with opposing outcomes, and it can polarize the situation, creating a huge barrier towards empathy. I am coming to understand through this journey that she and I have more in common than I thought. There is one big difference though, she is stronger than I am, she is living with a pain bigger then I can imagine, a pain I am only getting a sliver of, and who’s intensity will only dim with time. I know she has no such light at the end the tunnel.
Today, I am actually grateful for this wait. I am not happy about it, I still reserve the right to wail and whine, but I have a new respect for it and the lessons it will teach me.

The only source of knowledge is experience.
- Albert Einstein

Zombie

2011-11-01T16:15:00.008-04:00

It's the day after match day and the day after Halloween and between the sugar and the anticipation I did not sleep a wink. No match for us, and I don't even have the words. I feel pretty hopeless right now. There is just this ever present fear of an international adoption shut down, I guess only another waiting parent can really get this fear, and one who has had to switch programs totally knows what I mean. We are not owed a child at the end of this, nothing is for sure, you have to just live with that. Some days you can and other days, as one of my bloggy buddies said, it is like a foot on your chest. SO accurate.
In other news I love Halloween and I love dressing up. We had a great time as a robot family this year. Check out our other family photos from years past as well to get a glimpse of our full enthusiasm for the holiday!

Robot Family - 2011

Princess and the Frog - 2010

Austin Powers, Dr. Evil and Mini Me - 2009

Affording your adoption 102

2011-10-25T12:37:00.003-04:00

The theme of this lesson is cross border shopping. So if you are an American or live too far from the border, you can skip this lesson.
The Canadian dollar has been at par (or near it) for more than a year now and I have been really taking advantage of the great deals, especially online, and the immense selection south of the border.
We just ordered Squeaker’s bed from the Walmart in the US and are picking it up this week in Buffalo. A similar bed would have cost me over $2000 in Canada. Granted that Canadian bed is of a much higher quality solid wood. But in this case I am looking for affordable not heirloom, and unfortunately only the US offered me the kind of choices I wanted.
There are some road blocks for Canadians who want to shop down south, but if you do the math it is really worth it. Shipping to a store in Buffalo (or whatever your closest American city is) is free but I will need to declare it at the border and pay the 15% duty. The bed was still less than $450 after NY tax and exchange rate, saving me over $1,500.Here are a few things I have learned about the process:
You need to use pay pal, they will not accept a Canadian credit card. Trust me I tried, and it got us in trouble with the fraud department at our bank … tee hee.
You have 30 days to pick it up after you place the order otherwise they ship it back to the warehouse and you get a full refund.
Don't buy too many things at once as they ship at different speeds and can cause difficulty with finding a pick up date since it is 30 days from arrival at the store not order date.
If you don't like it you can return it at the store. Check everything for marks, missing pieces before driving away.
Call the actual store that you shipped to confirm your order is there before you drive.
There are real deals to be had out there and the websites are amazing with tones of consumer reviews, you can really get an idea of the product even though you cannot see it. My friend got a new double Schwinn jogging stroller with MP3 player jack and speakers for $200!!! In terms of baby and kid gear you will find almost everything you need at 60%-50% less, and have I mentioned the variety!! Word to the wise though, American car seats even though they look identical are not legal in Canada.
I also shop at several American retailers for my own outfits. At home I need to go to specialty stores like Tall Girl (gag me with a spoon) to get pants long enough for me. Not only are those stores blah but they are very expensive. In America most stores carry a short, regular and long lengths on most of their items.

Expensive Version

My Version

These pants are from Wet Seal, a teeny bopper store, but don’t be dismayed, they offer a wide variety of sizes including plus sizes. My teenage niece declared that these jeans were in fact skinny enough to be classified as skinny, aka cool. I love them because they fit me, with a 36” inseam I can still get a little crinkle of jeans at my ankle, rare for this “tall girl”. Best part is the price though they regularly have a 2 pairs for $25 deal. So they cost me $12.50. I seriously would pay $40 or more for their glorious length alone J Oh Happy days! They are now shipping to Canada.
The top in this photo comes from my newest hidden jem of a store, Burlington Coat Factory/Baby Depot. Don’t let the name fool you, this store is not in Burlington and it’s not just coats and baby stuff. It is like a ghetto fabulous winners. Stuff is cheap! And stuff is glittery! Want to impress the mom group with the latest blinged out baby phat track suit? This is the store for you! In amongst all the apple bottom jeans and sky high stilettos is some really fun stuff. Some of my fav wow items have come from here, including a kimono type top and this one in the photo (cost me $15.00). Here is another tip, buy seasonless clothing whenever possible.
Now for the piece de resistance of this outfit, the boots! People will always tell you to spend your money on the classics. I respectfully disagree. A classic item will take you on the first class train to boredom. Being a mom, it is more likely that my clothing no matter what the price will be ruined by a stray red sock, diaper blowout or any other of the daily calamities a mom and her clothes experience. I am not spending big bucks on anything and most certainly not on something boring, er.. classic. Also classics require special laundering and (gag) ironing. You have got to be kidding me! You mean some people are taking on more laundry by choice!?! No Thanks!
These boots are 10 years old. They can be worn up (as seen) or slouchy. They are real leather, easy to walk in and cost me $60 on clearance at the time of purchase. They were likely in the clearance bin due to their unclassical colour. These babies add punch to any outfit and they have had more mileage than any basic brown or black pair. Happy Shopping!

OVERdue

2011-10-24T14:57:00.001-04:00

In my mind I am two MONTHS overdue, if this was a pregnancy some kind soul would have put me out of my misery weeks ago.
I am a stress ball. To date during this adoption I have lost a chunk of hair, sported a heck of a bald spot. This particular side effect to stress is the gift that keeps on giving because now I have a hunk of hair growing back that is like 2.5 inches long sprouting from the top of my head and it sticks straight up. It will not be tamed by product nor pony tail. (Look carefully in my photos below and you will see it waving at you.) I have a mysterious rash all over my chin and nose that has migrated around but none the less stayed with me for about 3 months now. I am currently having abdominal pains that may be the worst gas ever, or more likely just that I store my stress in my stomach, since it’s not.. um… passing.
Today is not match day. Hopefully next week is and hopefully China does not count that as the November list, and skip this month altogether. Just one more week you say? Try telling that to a women 2 MONTHS overdue!!!! She will bite your head off.
This is not my best moment. I know for my own health and safety as well as for others who are near to me, I NEED TO CALM the ^%&*#* DOWN. But again try telling that to a woman who is TWO MONTHS overdue!!! Near impossible. Even when that woman is yourself.

Defending the indefensible

2011-10-19T16:23:00.002-04:00

There is a video out there making a lot of waves. (I am not posting this video, I saw it by accident, did not know the content, and now I am having nightmares about it. I urge you to not view this video.) In this video a young girl is playing in a street in China. A driver in a van hits her, stops as she is under his car and then continues to drive over her a second time then flees. It is caught on security video. Then people pass by ignore her as she bleeds and struggles for life. Finally her mother rushes over and finds her and carries her away. Reports is that she is now in stable condition in the hospital.

There is a global uproar about the behavior of the driver and the citizens who did nothing. There is a lot of chatter about how “they” could have so little regard for human life. I have heard this accusation from adoptive parents, my own coworkers and of course the public at large. This assumption that something so terrible could only happen over there where “they” (read: uncivilized barbarian comies) could allow this to happen. Only they could be that uncivilized.

I am never going to defend those individuals who made those choices to ignore a hurt child and especially not the one who hurt her in the first place. BUT. I find myself in the position of needing to defend China. Firstly the legal system is vastly different; there can be extreme consequences to citizens who try to get involved. http://www.whatsonxiamen.com/news16675.html

Also this keeping to one’s self mentality comes from all the abuse that occurred during the cultural revolution where everyone was asked to watch and report on the behaviors of their neighbors, the results a witch hunt that took a civilization to its knees. So needless to say, the social norm is different, and the (non- existent) support of the legal system reflects that.

Still, taking that into account not helping the child is indefensible.

There is another story of an indefensible act I know, a story of a murder. This murder was oddly enough 2 years ago yesterday. Two years to the date that I unintentionally see this video of this little girl. This was the murder of my childhood friend. Who was attacked on the streets of Toronto, and then brutally run over by his attackers in their SUV. It is on tape. There were several witnesses, but most have never come forward. No one intervened, no one took note of the license plate while the occupants of the vehicle beat him up. No one in this story had any cultural conditioning or valid fear of authority as reasoning behind their lack of action. I guess they were just too scared. And I am not sure if put in the same situation I would have been fearless enough to have done anything to change the outcomes of that night. I like to think I am brave, but… I am humble enough to know that being in that situation is more paralyzing then you might think.

Follow up stories to the video of the little girl report that the driver of the vehicle is in custody, and the little girl is recovering in hospital. So at least in China there is going to be some justice. Nothing so kind has been given to the family of my friend. There are still no leads, and no witnesses coming forward, the case is at a standstill.

This is not the first time I have struggled with the need defend China. It is complex because underling racism and general misunderstanding regarding the world outside of North America bubble to the surface at moments like this, in people who I generally think are good, kind, smart people. I am just disheartened at how quickly every one turned on and judged an ENTIRE country because of this video. It is maybe partially China's fault that this happened, but things like this happen every where in every country, there are humans who do awful things to others. We are not immune, we are not better. I think China needs to improve it's human rights. But I think Corporate America is maybe equally but differently raping it's citizens too. I think humanity has a long way to go still in every country in every race.

I want to see change in China’s human rights; there are many things I wish could be different. Here is the kicker, if they were different, I would not be getting a daughter.

One of my favorite authors, Tom Robbins, discussed the theme of good and evil. Specifically how one cannot exist without the other. The world is kept in balance by an equal and opposite reaction to every action. I think this is the closest reasoning I have found to explain why these horrible things happen, even to good people. Because somewhere out there a equally amazing thing is happening. A butterfly affect of sorts, or a universal balancing act.

How can I defend the indefensible acts? How can I teach my child to be proud of her self, all the parts of her? How can I explain the chain of political and cultural events that lead her to be mine? How do I prepare her to be the one who feels the need to make the world understand that it’s just not that simple?

The only thing more fleeting then summer is childhood

2011-10-17T14:38:00.002-04:00

Well October is certainly flying by. I am so glad. You know what else is flying by? My babies’ childhoods. Each day I see my son do or say something new. He is on the precipice of being a big boy. Some days he seems so ready and asks for the big boy chair, the big boy bed, or to do things “By Self”. On one hand this is fantastic timing, I need the high chair and crib for Elora soon and I am glad we won’t have to be rushing him out of these things. On the other hand, I regularly look at my dining table and see an empty high chair. Since Squeaker is still back and forth on this grown up stuff, I keep both accessible for him to choose from. So every once and while, I will glance over my back while I am cooking and see my little family at the table, with one empty high chair and I get this emotion soup flood me. I am so proud my little baby boy is growing up, I am so sad that my little baby girl is growing up without us. I want to speed time up and get her home, at the table with us where she belongs. I want to slow down time or even reverse it and see a toothless baby babbling at me from that chair, how did he become a philosophical toddler already?
Squeaker tells me the strangest things, recently he has been saying that his face is growing and sometimes he says that a growing face hurts, other times, he tells me that it’s scary. The solution to this is to kiss his face all over. But we have this conversation about the growing face a few times a week. He is also using his toy robot to act out big boy activities. He will tell me that robot wants to sleep in the big boy bed or sit in the big boy chair. He tells me he is the robots daddy and that he will feed him and help him to be a big boy. As you can see I am not the only one in the house who is trying to keep up with the emotions of a babyhood that is slipping away.
I truly savor every moment with my family, the moments at work, not so much. But I am trying not to wish all my days away, trying not to live from one match day to another. But I guess what they say is true, time flies when you are having fun.

A Boy and his Robot.

Affording your adoption 101

2011-09-30T16:35:00.008-04:00

Yes, international adoption is expensive. Most adoptive parents find creative ways to save up for their adoption(s). As a family we are doing many things but one of them is tightening our purse strings. Just one little problem. I am an admitted shopaholic. This is an addiction that is mostly in check but does flare up when I am stressed out. The problem is that not only is adoption expensive but it is also stressful! Today my friends I am here to tell you about how we are surviving the wait with style!

I love shopping, almost as much as I love my family. I also love me and the kiddos to look fashionable and it gives me great joy to dress us up, just so, with the must haves of the season. I have always been a thrifty shopper, I deal in volumes you would not believe, so bargains have always been a must. But what was this fashionista to do when even the steals on the steal or splurge page would cost you your whole year's clothing allowance? I just got thriftier, and now I am going to show you how you can do it too.

I have taken photos two outfits I wore to work this week and with help from my co-worker Sasha, who by the way was also the inspiration for this blog post. Both of these looks cost less than $50 including tax and accessories!!!

First up we have the the bow blouse inspired by mad men (or as I call it, Granny goes sexy)
The fashion pages look by Alice Olivia $220.00 (for ONLY the blouse!!)

Now my look

Shirt from Talize $3.99 This store rocks, for so many reasons, the profits support local charity, it is a great way to recycle and the prices can not be beat. I know, for many fashionistas shopping second hand has a certain insurmountable ick factor. If the prices can't get you over that check your washing machine for a sanitize feature. I take all of my purchases directly from the shopping bag to the washing machine and sanitize the bageezus out of them until there is not a whiff of that odd mothball smell left. I personally like to brag that I only payed 1/4 the amount you did to look twice as great, but if you are more demure, when every one heaps the compliments on you, simply tell them it's a one of a kind vintage find. Yep, vintage is celeb speak for second hand. To duplicate this look find a second hand store that has a high population of seniors, because this shirt was actually made in the original decade that the designers are now "inspired" by and some woman has been wearing it since it was the height of fashion. Now it is yours to snag. Be sure to wear it with other items that are modern and a tad vampy to ensure that you don't go too far the other way. The key is a touch of granny, for yesteryear elegance, go to far and you risk dorky librarian or frump.
Pants from Giant Tiger $10 last spring on clearance. Always shop in the clearance rack for the following year. Only suckers pay full price.
Shoes from Forever 21 $12 a few seasons ago. The lesson here is that dramatic shoes can make a plain outfit pop. You can never have too many shoes. Never. Especially if they are less then $20 a pop. Always be hunting for amazing shoe finds, always.
Grand TOTAL THIS LOOK: $26.00 Head to toe. Now that is a steal!

Second look is some times called the equestrian look.

This is from the JC Penny catalogue, unknown price.

Now my look

Sweater from Talize again $3.99. One more thing I would like to mention is that if you love high quality craftsmanship and detailing then "vintage" is the solution for your tiny budget.
Pants are Alfred Sung, Alfred Sung for Zellers that is. :) A few weeks ago they had the fall pants on sale for half off so I got two pairs of these beauties for $14.99 each. Another tip, if you like it and it flatters you buy it in as many colours as you can afford.
Shoes are from Joe Fresh, for 29.00, best part is NO TAX since they came from the CHILDREN'S DEPARTMENT!!!! I wear a size 7 ladies and that translates into a size 5 in Joe's girls department. I know the math is screwy but a size 8.5 womens can wear the girl's size 6 at Joe (sorry that's as big as they come). The moral of the story is be creative look in unexpected places.
Grand TOTAL THIS LOOK: $47.00 head to toe

I hope this will provide you with some inspiration in your wardrobe and budget. Remember to embrace your inner MILF and flaunt it!

Public Service Announcement:
Yes adoption is expensive but I would like to take this moment to remind you that it is the fees associated with transferring guardianship of a child and travel for 3 to the other side of the world that adoptive parents "buy". We never "bought" our children, because that would be human trafficking and illegal. So please don't ask "how much she cost" or where you can "get one of those".
This announcement has been brought to you by annoyed adoptive parents of the world in association with the educate the public with no self filters foundation. AAPotW, EtPWNSFF.

Another Matchless month

2011-09-27T16:17:00.002-04:00

Wow this was the hardest month yet. It is like a slow sinking realization that just gets more and more sad with each passing hour, you are less able to muster any hope with the ticking of the clock.
This was really disappointing, tomorrow is my husbands birthday and I was so sure we were going to have a cute story to tell about how we got a daughter for his birthday.
So we have waited 3 months now at the top of our agencies list, and we have waited 166 days since we were approved by China.
I am trying to look on the bright side more here are some good reasons to wait some more. (Ha, as if I had a choice)
1. We have more months to save up for the fees.
2. I may actually be able to time this so that I will only have one child in day care at once
3. Travelling in March is way better then travelling in January, less snowsuits to pack
4. Will have time to celebrate the birth of my twin god-babies in January with out worrying about missing the birth
5. ummm waiting sucks
6. this list is pathetic attempt to self sooth
7. wine and chocolate work moderately better
8. singing love sick songs at the top of my lungs in the car helped too

My Match Plan

2011-09-19T16:14:00.002-04:00

So when you are in your second trimester you get asked by everyone around you what your birth plan is. Are you going to do a water birth, are you going to film it, who do you want around you, what music will play? That and so many more questions get you thinking about what exactly you want that moment to be like and what tools you are going to use to help you survive it.
When Squeaker was born I had the best birth plan and it was executed like a perfect symphony. It took major temper tantrums on my part but I actually got to have the perfectly controlled birth I always wanted (scheduled section), including an ipod play list for the occasion.
So I have been thinking what would make my match moment perfect, how do I want it to play out? I am just thinking that getting "the call" at work maybe nearly as embarrassing as having my water break in the board room. I think I am going to be a blubbering mess with a pinch of a chicken sans head, not pretty. I know some of you have the amazing restraint and calmness to only look at your referral together as a family while you are filming the moment for your future blog post. I bow down to you! I am not sure if I am even going to be able to wait to be with my husband. So here is how I see it going down...
My Match Plan
The call comes to my phone, I am at work
1. Run screaming to the empty cubicle while on cellphone
2. Call the hubby on the landline, chances that hubby will actually answer his phone 50/50, if not available repeat call but proceed to step 3.
3. Log into email
4. Hope hubby got email too, no way I can forward it with out looking
5. SEE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Blubber
7. Ask to leave work. Try to keep blubber to a minimum until I get home.
8. Try not to call every one in the world and post photo every where until doctor evaluation.
9. Email Dr.
10. Wait.
11. Wait.
12. Okay, tell a few people.
13. Wait.
14. Okay, just tell one more person...
15. Hubby better have called me back by now, if not, drive to his work and hunt him down.
16. Write LOI
17. Pick Squeaker up from Daycare (oops)
18. Tell the world, she's coming home!!

What was your match plan? Did it go like you expected?
I know I am crazy to think I can plan any of this. Just shush you, I need to plan, I need to control, even if none of it comes to any thing. Do you really think I can just sit here and wait?! Please let it be this month, oh please oh please oh please.

You know I have read time and time again that parents say, of course it could not have been any earlier, now that we have our precious child we know, it could not have been any earlier because this was the only child for us and she was only ready when we got her. I am so torn when I think of this, and the whole matching process. What a beautiful complicated mystery. That is my baby and she will come to be mine by 95% luck of the draw, 5% judgment of my agency director. I have more control over so many more insignificant things, but this this massively important life altering step is pretty much a lottery. You would never choose a husband this way, and yet this is how I will get a life partner (of sorts). I guess it is similar to birth, but you just have this false veil that leads you to believe that you know the child that is coming, and you never ask these questions to your self. You can never wonder what if because it just is. Mostly for my match day I just hope that I see her and know. I just want to know that is her. My girl. And that is so silly because I warn every expecting mom that the movie moment may not be what you get in the delivery room. You may look at your bundle of joy and think any number of strange things. For example I thought, okay, sure I will take that one, really I will take any one at this point, I just want to go home with a baby. I did not know Squeaker at all, did not feel like he was even mine. But for some reason, even with all my been there done that wisdom, I still just really hope I see her and know. And I am scared of what might happen if I feel doubt, even though I think that must only be natural.
So thinking more on the luck. That part is unchangeable that means that my agency is EVERYTHING when it comes to choosing our girl. What an incredibly stressful and beautiful job that must be to bring families and babies together. I feel like I will owe him so much on like a karmic level. But in the end will it come down to any thing more then luck? My mind wanders the philosophical mazes of this process over and over again. Bringing to light what my beliefs are and what impact my romanticism of the process means for my daughters story and how she will interpret it.
So much to think about.
Day dreaming fiercely.

September??

2011-09-07T17:43:00.001-04:00

Well no match for us in August. Despite the dreams and the horoscopes that fooled me into thinking it would.
So NOOOOWww I am sure it is this month. I am ready. Bring it September!

good reads

2011-08-16T20:17:00.003-04:00

I recently finished reading Silent Tears by Kay Bratt. It was very informative and I dare anyone to read it and not want to fill out a homestudy and adopt on the spot. It gives a very detailed account of orphanage life that is eye opening for parents about to adopt and just plain heart wrenching.
Also this article is a must read. Covers so much on China adoption in today's climate, from birth parent searching to modern twists on the one child policy.
I have copied it in the entirety again because I want to keep it in its entirety.
http://www.slate.com/id/2301514/pagenum/all/

One might easily see such a thing in a Shanghai alleyway and think nothing of it: a bundle of fabric tied up with a rope. Except that this particular bundle was screaming.

I could not tell at first if the squalling child was male or female, but I knew exactly what it was doing there: a desperate mother had swaddled her newborn infant in several layers of clothing and left it alone in the winter darkness – so that it could have a chance to live.

For me, it was an all-too-familiar story: my own two daughters were abandoned at birth, left alone in a Chinese street to the mercy of strangers. But that was more than a decade ago – a decade in which China has become a powerful force in markets from natural resources to sports cars, from luxury goods to aircraft carriers. In a China of diamond iPads and gold-plated limousines were babies still ending up in anonymous alleyways?

This child’s mother had chosen the spot carefully: only steps from one of the best hotels in Shanghai, beside a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise patronised mostly by foreigners. I had been meeting my friend John there for a quick doughnut fix, and it was he who heard the baby’s cries as he chained his bicycle to the alleyway gate.

“There’s a baby outside!” John exclaimed as he slid into the seat beside me, still blustery from the cold. “What do you mean, there’s a baby outside?” I asked in alarm, bolting out of the door to see what he was talking about.

What I found was a scene whose every detail spoke of maternal care, and anguish: the multicoloured quilt was bright, thick and tied just so – the corner lay over the child’s face, to protect it from the pre-Christmas chill. Beneath the angry bundle lay two plastic carrier bags bulging with brand new baby clothes, tins of infant formula, packs of nappies and scrubbed-clean bottles, the only love note a mother could dare to leave for a child she would never know. China’s version of the stork myth is to tell children they were found in a trash can; in the case of the baby in the alleyway, that story was too close to the truth for comfort.

“There, there, little guy,” I crooned as I awkwardly picked up the quilt bundle, which immediately stopped crying. The doughnut shop staff had already called the police to report the abandonment, so I knew I would not have long with Baby Doe (or Baby Donuts, the nickname suggested irresistibly by the location). I knew that the police would call for an ambulance, too, that would whisk the child away. So for half an hour I cradled the infant (which I only later discovered was a six-week-old girl) and bawled.

I cried for the baby, for the mother, but most of all I cried for my own children: abandoned at the far more dangerous ages of one and six days old – and in weather possibly far colder. I cried for women I do not know, who were forced to discard the children who became my daughters. I cried for the fact that they may never know their child is safe, and cherished.

I had mourned for those women before: on my children’s birthdays I always remember the women who gave them life. But I have never wept as I did holding Donuts. The weight of her body, the soupçon of coldness around the nether regions that suggested a possibly wet nappy and the way she protested when I sat in one position for too long, were altogether too real for comfort. I knew all about abandonment in theory; now I knew about abandonment in nappies.
An abandoned Chinese baby girl

A mobile phone photograph of Donuts, taken soon after she was found

I suspected right away that Donuts had a medical problem: something about the way her mouth puckered when she breathed, and the fact that she was sweating, gave me a hint; but more than anything, it was the fact that abandonments of healthy infants are increasingly uncommon. Most children in Chinese orphanages now are disabled. To adopt healthy children, foreign parents must wait for up to five years.

Healthy babies do still find themselves on the street sometimes: China’s one-child policy continues to produce surplus children, especially in areas where rural people believe boys are needed to carry on the family name and support parents in retirement. The result is that girls are abandoned or aborted. Indeed, only days before my friend stumbled upon Donuts, dead twin girls had been discovered near my own local subway station in a prosperous Shanghai suburb. And in May, a Chinese microblog site carried a particularly striking photo of a newborn girl, dressed in pink and found in a box containing the equivalent of $200.

I knew that I could not simply walk off with Donuts (though I was sorely tempted). I was all too aware that for any eventual adoption she would need the all-important “certificate of abandonment” – and for that she needed to have a police report of the circumstances in which she was found. If I just took off with her, neither I nor anyone else could ever adopt her: I wanted her paperwork to be impeccable.
"If I just took off with Donuts, neither I nor anyone else could ever adopt her"

But paperwork is one thing, and finding a squirming, squalling baby in one of the richest streets in Shanghai is quite another: it unnerved me. I wish I could say I had the presence of mind to look out for the mother (such mothers often lurk nearby to make sure that their baby is safely discovered); I should have taken pictures of the carrier bags, with their eloquent testimony to a mother’s devotion; most of all, I should never have let her out of my arms.

Maybe I should have insisted on riding with her in the ambulance to hospital, or on going with my friend to the police station where she was processed for admission to an orphanage. I should not have let him do all of that alone.

But because I have adopted children in China, I knew that the system had to be allowed to work and that, realistically, I had to step aside. It was my friend who had found Donuts, so only he was expected at the police station that night to give his account. It was there that he learned from a police officer that the hospital had made a preliminary diagnosis of a heart defect in Donuts. So instead, I went home and hugged my own kids and fretted over how to help this newest orphan. I started e-mailing and texting friends around the world, and within hours many of them responded with offers of money to repair Donuts’ heart. Several of them volunteered to adopt her. Under Chinese law I am too old, and too single, to do so myself; but I vowed that if I could not be her mother I would be her guardian angel.

And so began a frantic race to find and help Donuts. I had no name and no identity number; all I had was a copy of the police report handed to John, as the official “finder”, and a mobile phone snapshot of the infant that he’d taken. I contacted a number of foreign charities to see if they could assist. Several of them (notably the Baobei Foundation and Heart to Heart Shanghai) asked Chinese members of staff to try to locate her by offering potential medical help – fearing that if the offer came directly from foreigners it would be immediately rebuffed. They were rebuffed anyway.

About 10 days later, just before New Year, we got word that Donuts, still with no name, was at a hospital in central Shanghai. But when I took my children, then aged nine and 11, to try to visit her – bearing chocolates to soften up the nurses – I was told (doubtless dishonestly) that the hospital had no paediatrics unit. We even looked for her in paediatric emergency – a gruesome experience not for the faint-stomached. When my Chinese colleague inquired after her, by phone, she also turned up nothing. I began to despair that I would ever know if Donuts lived or died – and all because China has suddenly learned to resent the hand that donates to it.

China is still smarting from the national humiliation of having had to export as many as 100,000 babies in the past 20 years. Foreign charities are still allowed to help some of the sickest babies from the poorest provinces; but Shanghai prides itself on being able to pay its own way. Foreign volunteers used to be allowed into the Shanghai orphanage weekly just to cuddle the kids; now they are not. Shanghai wants to make one thing perfectly clear: if its abandoned children need a heart operation, they no longer have to go begging.

I immediately recognised the attitude: a new Chinese self-confidence – some call it arrogance – that has emerged. From babies to banking, China is flexing its muscles. But one of the upsides of that new confidence is that the government has begun to care about what the rest of the world thinks of it. Knowing that, and having failed through other channels, I turned eventually to the information section of the Shanghai department of foreign affairs, and explained my intention to write an article about Donuts – in which I might find it necessary to mention that the system meant I was not allowed to help her.

Their staff quickly located the baby and reported on her condition – she had atrial septal defect (a common heart condition), a large angioma on her right eye and one webbed foot. When she was about four months old, they arranged for me to visit her at the Shanghai City Children’s Welfare Institute, where she was taken after her hospital stay.

It was there that I discovered that being a ward of the state in China these days is not nearly so appalling as it used to be. For as China has grown wealthier, so have its orphanages. There are homes in some smaller, poorer or more remote cities that remain grim, but at Donuts’ orphanage, visions of Oliver Twist are a distant memory.

Its grounds are beautifully landscaped, the compound is painted in cheerful primary colours and staffing is ample. Today, Donuts is nine months old and is cared for in a large, bright room reserved for babies whose health needs monitoring. Four trained nurses are on duty at all times, for about 20 infants with special health needs.

The orphanage where my elder daughter, Grace, spent the first eight months of her life was rebuilt recently, with underfloor heating, flat screen televisions, a Little Tots climbing frame and a bouncy castle. And the US charity Half the Sky Foundation – which has trained staff in scores of Chinese orphanages to nurture children rather than just keep them alive – recently announced that Beijing will start to shoulder the financial burden of building special nurture centres in additional Chinese orphanages.

. . .

Soon after Donuts arrived at her temporary home, orphanage staff gave her a name and a birthdate. Her name was chosen according to a formula that applies to all new arrivals: 2010 arrivals all receive the same surname, Jiang; the orphanage wishes to keep the rest of her name private. Her official birthday is October 28 2010, arrived at from an educated guesstimate. Like both my children, for the rest of her life Donuts will celebrate a birthday without ever knowing how accurate it is. Where other children have a birth certificate, a genealogy and a family tree, they have a “certificate of abandonment”.

The first couple of times I visited her, Baby Jiang seemed to be doing well: she was responsive, alert, relaxed, and she cooed a lot. Charm, in an orphanage baby, works wonders: babies who smile, coo and engage their carers get far more attention, and for her, that might make all the difference.

Aware that babies are not all created equal in the eyes of many orphanage nannies, the first time I visited, I came bearing expensive presents: Lindt Lindor truffles and a posh European tea sampler, gifts chosen to convey a sense that this was a baby of substance. I need not have bothered: Donuts already had her own PR strategy.

The head matron told me right away that she “sleeps well and eats well” – what more could one ask for, in an orphan? But the look in the eyes of the bucktoothed, sweet-faced nurse who held Donuts – making the same silly faces a mother would make – told me that she is also a favourite. The nurse may not be Mum – but she will do nicely for the moment.

The tale of an abandoned Chinese infant is not always so warm and fuzzy. For centuries, rural Chinese women were forced – by circumstance, and often by their mothers-in-law – to strangle or drown or simply throw away girl babies at the moment of their birth. Xinran, the Chinese radio show host turned author, recounts in her new book, Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother, an incident from Shandong province in 1989, when she was present at the birth of a granddaughter to the village headman.

“Suddenly, I thought I heard a slight movement in the slops pail behind me,” she writes. “To my absolute horror, I saw a tiny foot poking out of the pail… Then the tiny foot twitched! It wasn’t possible. The midwife must have dropped that tiny baby alive into the slop pail!” Xinran accosts the grandmother, who explains calmly that “a girl baby isn’t a child”.

It is that kind of story – which, however, gruesome, is far from apocryphal – that makes it, paradoxically, relatively easy to explain to our Chinese daughters why their parents abandoned them. When traditional preference for sons meets the one-child policy, the inevitable outcome is abandonment (or sex-selective abortion).

Families that need a son may keep the first daughter and try again (most rural families are allowed to have a second child if their first child is a girl). But if they are unlucky enough to bear another girl, abandonment may be their only option. Single mothers may abandon a baby of any sex. And mothers of children with costly medical problems like Baby Jiang’s may be unable (or think they are unable) to get help for their children any other way.
Patti Waldmeir and daughters Lucy Helen Xinke and Grace Shumin

Patti Waldmeir and daughters Lucy Helen Xinke (left) and Grace Shumin: both were abandoned as babies

But as my daughters grow up I become more aware that vague generalisations about the one-child policy are not the same as concrete facts about where they were born, and when, and to whom – and the real reasons why their parents could not keep them. I was living in the US when I adopted, and that is where my daughters spent the first few years of their lives. Soon after we moved to China three years ago, we returned to the hometown orphanage of my oldest girl for the first time. She was eight then, and not long after our visit she challenged my version of her abandonment myth: “She could have paid the fine,” she said to me one night. “Who could have paid what fine?” I replied, dissembling: I knew she meant that her mother could have chosen to pay the stiff penalty (sometimes as much as a year’s income) imposed on those who break family-planning rules.

She wanted me to stop making her abandonment story into a fairy tale about the good parent and the evil one-child policy: maybe her mother was a businesswoman who was just too busy to have a baby. Maybe she could have paid the fine.

I have started to hear more and more stories of foreign adoptive families that have, against the odds, located birth parents. Dr Chang Changfu, a Chinese academic, has recently made two of these stories into a heart-wrenching documentary film, Daughters’ Return, about two Chinese adoptees, one Dutch and one American. They discover birth parents who went to great lengths to keep them, but in the end were defeated by the one-child policy and the traditional quest for a male heir. Both girls, now teenagers, are left torn between the family that bore them and the family that raised them.

Indeed, “root-seeking tours” – which sometimes include birth family searches – have become something of a cottage industry in China as more and more foreign families bring their children to learn about the land of their birth. Some unscrupulous orphanage directors exploit those visits for their own personal gain, soliciting or even requiring cash “donations” for those wanting to visit their child’s orphanage – cash that sometimes never makes it to those children who remain there.

Beijing actively encourages orphanage reunions, even offering an all-expenses-paid culture camp this summer in Shanghai for adoptees willing to come to China. Several orphanages have held lavish reunions where overseas adoptees are feted and showered with presents. Some government officials and orphanage directors say privately that one goal of the tours is to counter the psychology of abandonment: they do not want Chinese adoptees abroad to think their homeland discarded them lightly.

So increasing numbers of families are taking the risk of looking for birth parents. Some are afraid of what they might find: what if the parents want the child back? What if, horror of horrors, they discover that their child was one of the small minority who were sold to an orphanage? Recently, adoption circles in the US were abuzz with reports that one adoptive family received a request from the US state department to provide a DNA sample to Chinese police, presumably to prove that their child was not abducted.

That story, coupled with recent increased Chinese media reports linking child trafficking with international adoption, has made some parents think twice about doing any “root seeking”. On August 10, A Bright Moon, a website that offered to help adoptive families locate birth parents, said it was closing down because its office in Beijing was “constantly questioned by the police relative to families desiring to search for their child’s birth families”.

. . .

Those who do look often find that things are not as random as they thought: sometimes the child’s finder (whose identity is usually disclosed in the police report) may well know the father or the aunt or the grandmother – or may even be the grandmother. Some families designate a relative to “discover” the child – to make sure that it gets safely to the orphanage. Often they know much more than they at first disclose.

Officially, the Chinese authorities discourage birth-parent searches. But once local media get wind of a human interest story of those proportions they are often willing to help publicise the search. In many cases that leads to a reunion – with the parents or siblings of the searching child (and sometimes with the parents of a different child, abandoned around the same time).
"I tried to find the person who discovered my daughter … to my secret relief, I failed"

After I had read several of these birth-search stories in the local press – and especially after meeting Donuts – I decided to dip my toe in, by trying to find the person who discovered my daughter Grace, the former Yang Shumin. To my secret relief, I failed: after nearly 12 years, her police report could not be located. I visited the police station, where the officers on duty showed not the slightest interest in my quest; and I visited the place where she was abandoned, where I found no one who remembered anything.

The next step would be publicity – but Grace Shumin does not want that. She says she only wants to know whether her birth father is tall – because she likes being the tallest girl in her class, and hopes she comes from tall stock. But she is not willing to take the risk of finding out any more than that. As a pre-teen now, the last thing she wants is more mothers and siblings to deal with: she is finding the ones she has quite annoying enough.

As China grows in confidence, in wealth, in world stature, the first generation of international adoptees will grow to maturity – and ask more questions. They will come to China, to study, to work, to seek an ethnic identity they lost at the moment of adoption. Some may find the ugly truth that they were abducted; others will find (as in one recent case from Jiangsu province) that they were a child who had simply been lost, but ended up in an orphanage believing themself to be an abandoned child. They will hear heartbreaking stories of why they were abandoned; they will meet mothers who feel no guilt – and others who have never recovered. And some of them will find nothing: lost police reports; obstructive authorities; false documents.

Perhaps my own children will want to know more about their birth parents, when they are 20 or 30 or 60 years old – or maybe they will never have the slightest inclination. Maybe they will never know what the weather was like when they were abandoned, whether it was snowing or balmy, dusky or crepuscular, whether their quilt was tied just so – or whether they had a quilt at all. Maybe they will never care.

Soon, with any luck, Donuts will embark on a new life as the cherished daughter of a loving family, in China or maybe overseas. Just before this article went to press, I heard that Baby Jiang had had her heart defect corrected in a Shanghai hospital. Orphanage staff say they will monitor her progress and make her available for adoption as soon as she is strong enough.

But wherever she ends up, and whenever she gets adopted, I will make sure that Donuts knows just how well she was swaddled; and that her mother chose a mild night, after a run of freezing evenings; and that she picked a busy time at the doughnut shop; and that she put her baby against a wall, behind a gate, sheltered but easily discovered – by people who went there craving a doughnut fix and came away touched by an event they will always remember.

And most of all, I will tell her the one thing that I can never tell my own children with certainty: that her mother loved her. Because if it was not love lurking among all those nappies and bottles and formula tins, I have never seen love before. I hope one day she will think on those things, and forgive the mother who left her there.

Patti Waldmeir is the FT’s Shanghai correspondent. Additional reporting by Shirley Chen in Shanghai.

To comment on this article, please e-mail magazineletters@ft.com

Let it be August

2011-08-05T22:18:00.002-04:00

I love summer, and typically I am begging it to slow down. While I have not gone so far as to rush summer this year, each month that passes brings me closer to peace.

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

Found this quote today while I was watching Gotcha Days on YouTube (again). Yes it was that kind of day, the type where I need to drown in everything adoption and just spend a solid day just thinking of my girl and feeling the emotions. I have never forgotten Elora, hardly an hour goes by with out some fleeting thought. But it has been a long time since I let myself just be immersed. And it helped, for right now. Because I am at more peace with the wait today because of it. When I was pregnant I could watch baby story marathons day after day, this is just part of my nesting process.

I think August may be our month. I only just said this out loud for the first time today. I have nothing to base this on, except that ever since August 1st I dream of her every night. Nothing that I remember, but it is like when I wake up I am still light as a feather, floating on the feeling of loving her. It is like we just spend each night together. I feel her, but not like I was feeling her back in April. Back then it was scary and desperate. Now it just feels like we are getting to know each other in a dream world. The strangest of all is that it happens each night, all night. It is peace, and the only reason I can think for why peace has come over me now, in the final stretch is that the light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible.

I want to be one of those more interesting mom bloggers. Because I do have some really fun and unique views on all things parenting. Like the genderless baby in particular. Imagine if some one tried to pull that stunt in China, I think I would see it as such a powerful statement rather then a hippy stunt... I have mush more to say... but alas, all of that will have to wait for another day. Right now I am getting zen and nesting. I got no snap in me. But some day, on the other side of this, I can't wait to have my own soap box to chime in on all these great conversations.

We'll see how brave you are -oh yes

2011-07-19T16:26:00.000-04:00

Show me the things that I've been missin'
Show me the ways I forgot to be speaking
Show me the ways to get back to the garden

Show me the ways to get around the get around
Show me the ways to button up
Buttons That have forgotten they're buttons

I heard a rumor, not a rumor I have never heard before, but for some reason, maybe the frequency, maybe reliability of the source has led this rumor to sink into my bones.

Rumor has it that China’s waiting child program is taking around 2 years from LID (log in date) for a girl now.
Friends for me that means Spring 2013, another 20 months. I want to say this is longer than I was prepared for, but to be honest at one point that is where we were headed and we were comfortable with that wait. Then at one point, I guess when we stared the home study last summer, it all seemed real and much faster. Combine the expectation of a shorter wait and a heavy dose of baby fever and here I am desperate for a match, dreading the 3 month wait I have convinced myself, beyond reason, that it will be.

So how brave can I be? How can I manage this wait with grace? Currently I am practicing the ostrich in the sand approach… Pretty low on the scale of bravery. The only path to bravery I can see is if I had a real time line, if it is really going to be 20 more months just tell me now so I can leave this purgatory. Tell me so that I can stop believing that my daughter is on this earth waiting for me, needing me. Let me go back to wishing on particles in space.
This is of course impossible. Now that we are LID there is always a chance, always a “what if” factor, no matter how slim. This chance may be so slim that others can put it out of their mind. But there are these stories (urban myths) that fill my head, stories about when you least expect it, *poouf*, a referral is on your door step. Just like Mrs. Elephant and the stork delivery in Dumbo. Don’t despair the mothers on the other side tell the mothers still waiting. We have these grains of hope, month after month.

Maybe the bravest thing is to turn off the internet, stop reading blogs and rumor queens and her court of informed subjects. But I have been watching this whole international adoption thing for too long. I know the people know more as a collective then the professionals do. The all the rumors are not always right, but the bad rumors are never wrong. So that bravery of disconnecting is really just extreme ostirching.

I will be as brave as I can by simply being stead fast in my convictions that our time is coming, when, I do not know, but that it will come. I will not take an easier path, I will not question our choices, nor will I allow others to do so. I will just wait for her, because it is the least that I can do. I am her mother after all, and I would do anything for her. All they are asking me to do is wait, not so much to ask, when you think of all they are asking of her.

I am no saint

2011-07-05T10:29:00.002-04:00

I fully admit that our adoption is 99% selfish. Pregnancy and I will never meet again if I have anything to say about it (go ahead and call me any prissy name you like, I have heard it all). What could be more selfish then that. I, a woman, of a developed nation wishing to skip the most human experience a woman can have in favor of mothering a child already born. A child who came to this world through a mother who did what I cannot bear to do, and in the end did not even get any of the benefits of mothering this child into the world. If this is not the epitome of injustice, for that mother, then I don’t know what is.
If you are a frequent reader then you know I am a self proclaimed warrior against injustice.
So here is where it all gets a bit muddy. It is not fair that my daughter’s mother had to make the choice that she did. It is also not fair that my daughter has now had the start in life that she has. We can debate which is more unfair. We can advocate for change in systems and support to prevent this from happening in the future. But ultimately I am powerless to make the changes that are required to keep families united. This feeling of powerlessness will not stop us from trying. And some day change may come. But it will never come soon enough for my daughter.
Saving orphans. No other statement sets me more on edge then that one. I think because of all that it implies, mission work, superiority, single mindedness and the impacts of these attitudes on the children involved.
Now the flip side of that coin is the over whelming urge I have to save my daughter, as her mother, to rescue her, to shelter her from any harm. I am all consumed with the need to wrap her in safety and comfort.
The complexities of saving are so much clearer to me recently. It is not as black and white as I thought. And I am a bit surprised that I am so intent on saving my girl. Saving her??? Really??? What if the way to save her was to find her first family and support them in raising her, rather than raise her myself? Would I still feel the need to save her, if I knew that she was not really mine, not forever? Most likely not.
So I am 1% savior 99% vain princess but I am 100% protective mama bear, no one is messing with my cubs. That is the plain truth. So I cringe when people put me on a pedestal. I resist even saying that our child will be special needs, because then most people say “good for you, I could never do that”. Let me just say once and for all that yes you could, you just don’t know it yet. And although I think we are amazing parents (and so does Ontario and China, according our certification!)
I am no saint.

An Amazing Parent

2011-06-16T17:30:00.002-04:00

My husband is an amazing father. I really want to celebrate him but have you noticed how father's day cards seem to give dads awards just for showing up? I know that the modern father who is involved, affectionate and mom's rock is a very new concept but that is the man I have and I want to celebrate EVERY thing he does.
He is the best dad ever because:
* He does not just do the fun stuff, and he understands that some of your best parenting moments can actually come at 2 am in the morning with a sick baby
* He is an expert when it comes to his own kids, he has always had a knack with getting the baby to bed, and has way more patience than I ever will.
* He is a domestic god, and that is sexy
* He helps with out being asked, that means he does not have a nag for a wife
* We agree on how to parent, We are a united front

This is so much more impressive because he was not a natural born nurturer. In fact before we had a child I think we both had serious doubts about his daddy abilities. It became evident from pretty much day 1 that not only did he have what it takes but that he was head and shoulders above the other new dads we knew. I has not a single complaint at the mom group when it came to my partner. Simply because he has always been a true partner in this adventure.
I think maybe part of it was that I had high expectations of him. I am not sure why I had these expectations, I only had a so-so dad, an absent minded professor type. I just knew that as a team we could "have it all", but we could never get there alone, so I expected a dad who could share it all 50/50. The fact that I got more than my wildest dreams in this department makes me over the moon happy, and so confident to parent our little girl. We can do anything together.
I want to say happy father's day to an amazing parent, who is much more than just a dad.

Deep thoughts

2011-06-06T15:53:00.000-04:00

There have been some big conversations in the blogging/adoption world and I have really wanted to chime in, but I am not finding much time for blogging. I know I could be working on my blog instead of obsessively checking for new rumors, or obsessively calculating how long till the next match day and then all the what if’s that follow after, such as will she fit the hand-me downs we have, will I potty train squeeker before her referral?
Okay, Okay Okay enough, of that. We already did a post about my adoption OCD and my irrational fantasies.
Two things have happened recently that really affected me.
The first being the very sad death of baby Esther, who was waiting in China for her mom and dad to pick her up, when she died. This is of course every parent’s worst nightmare, but it has also scared the begeezus out of me. I just cannot imagine how hard that must be. I know a tiny bit about grieving for a daughter that you have never even touched, I know that the rest of the world may not really understand the pain that this death caused her parents, simply because the world does not really understand adoption. This story is so scary and hits to the very core of all of our fears. To see that precious girl and family torn apart just makes me so angry too. I wish that the wait times, after referral were faster, more like the NSN time lines. I just wish that there was a precedent for expediting children who are known to be medically fragile. I feel so helpless, the system is really flawed, and I am about to put my heart into it, and I realize that that system cannot be counted on to protect me or my daughter.
Secondly, there has been a great buzz about searching for birthparents in China. We have weighed all the options, and we have decided to search, and to begin searching as soon as we are matched. I know that this is controversial, but we feel it is in the best interest of both families and our daughter. Only time will tell if we are successful and how this impacts our family, but we are sure that we must act, and that we must act now.
I have just finished reading “Message from and Unknown Mother”. I feel the book has prepared me to be ready to hear many different scenarios for our child’s relinquishment. To my surprise there is much more at play than simply the one child policy, including substantiated claims of abduction. Part of searching really also calls on us as parents to be ready to accept the role we play. There is a cause and effect element, and we are now a part of a supply and demand chain of events. I am still unsettled by this reality, but I feel searching will help us to close the wounds for everyone involved.

Sharing my research document

2011-05-31T13:39:00.004-04:00

A little gift from me to you, the gift of time.
I recently accumulated every bit of information I could about as many special needs that I could find and compiled it together for my husband and I to use as a discussion starter. The thing I love most about it is that I have included testimonials from adoptive parents. This was vital to me because there is a big difference between the text book definition and living with it. It is also very difficult to access professionals who understand what the need looks like when it has been untreated, since most of these needs get immediate treatment in the west. That makes the parents who have adopted before me genius medical gods, in my humble opinion.
I was never the best student so this document I have compiled has no good research qualities. I did not quote my sources or create a reference list. Sorry folks this is a humble (busy) mom blog, not a Harvard paper. So this is pretty much a work of pure 100% plagiarism, but the best thing about it is that at least all the info is in one place, saving you time! Thank you so much to the countless and nameless contributors to this document of mine, you rock! So now I am going to pay it forward. Click hereSpecial Needs Reserch to download the very large document.

Waiting - the most popular blog title in the adoption world

2011-05-11T12:04:00.001-04:00

The wait has been weighing heavily on me recently. Around the time we got our LID we also got word from our agency not to expect (not to even a hope) a referral before September, and sounds like more likely we will get a referral in time for Christmas. I guess at some point I had this very realistic time line in my head, but then I began the what ifs. You see technically now that we are LID we could have a referral at any time by China’s rules, but Ontario’s 18 month separation between children is what is keeping that precious call from coming. Elora needs to be born in 2011, so the youngest she could be right now is 5 months old, and 5 month olds don’t show up in the special needs line. They do sometimes show up in the non special needs line, and that is what led to the beginning of the what ifs and the day dreams and then somehow along the way my mind forgot how unlikely this scenario was, and my mind let its self believe that it really could happen any day now, because China approved us, and I could use a little miracle.

The flip side of this is knowing that my baby girl who ever she ends up being, is not spending her time with me. No one can seem to give me a good answer as to why the special needs line up generally has older children, but she will wait longer for her family for whatever reason.
So things are just tinged with a bit of sadness. It is kind of like I have my baby in a day care that I don’t like, and I can’t get her transferred. I just sit with an unease that never really leaves me, because I know I am apart from my baby girl. Things remind me of her all day every day. One could say I am a bit obsessive. I just don’t know how to not care. I don’t know how to find comfort, not now. Now I know she is in this world, and she is not with me. I can swear I can feel her tugging at me, I can feel her needing me.

Maybe it is just the feeling of me needing her.

The other part of the wait that is driving me batty is the inability to plan anything or control anything. We have no idea when the call could come, sure some months are more likely than others, but really again it could be any day. I would like to plan a vacation. I would like to know how many Halloween outfits to plan (see there I am again fooling myself into thinking that would even be possible). You get the idea though, we are living in limbo. The lack of “due date” for this baby can really aggravate a planner like me.

I would also like to not have to count each penny. Saving and sacrificing for her has been easier than I thought it would be for this shopaholic. Really when you look at it very few things become worth it to me, my daughter wins my pennies hands down every time. But I still would like to be able to do fun things again. Some times when we do spend money to do something special as a family, if it does not end up being the perfect experience, I regret having used Elora’s money on it.

I wish I could start her nursery, or some other type of nesting. It would just help me to feel like I was moving forward instead of remaining in limbo. I am saving all these things until we get the referral though because I am so sure that those 4 months we will wait to travel need to be packed full of nesting to the extreme if I am ever going to survive those months. I know that people are going to have to chain me down to avoid me flying to China on my own and setting up a tent in front of her orphanage. The other thing I am counting on to keep me grounded is how much I am going to miss Squeaker while we are traveling.

Oh Squeaker, we are heading into the terrible twos with him already, we have hourly temper tantrums. Any chance they will have passed by the time Elora comes home? How long do they really last? I wonder what the wait will mean for him as well. As each month passes he is older and more able to understand the concept of a sister. But this may not work in our favor as each month passes he is also more accustomed to being the only child and only grandchild. This is a great experience though, watching my “normally developing child” struggle, fight and test us. I am very grateful that I am entering into this adoption as an “experienced” parent. It was not in my original plan, but I am very glad it has worked out that way.

I know one day the wait will seem distant and doable and “worth it”. That is what they tell me. I know that I have it easier than most. I have my boy to brighten each day. But I never knew I could love her so much already. I think that is an important part of this process, I am so in love with her, I have all this time to build up my love, so that I can just swallow all her hurt, I can let all of her deflecting bounce off of my love, a love that is already so secure for her. I am bonded to her deeply, so we can just work with her helping her to find a connection with us.

What about after?

2011-04-04T15:00:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I will do with my self once Elora is home. I don't like to admit how much of my day is spent thinking and planning about her. I am sure every other waiting mother totally understands, but if you have not been through this you may think I am a nut. I plan, I prepare, I envision, I day dream, I read about others, I read text books, I read fiction books, I watch documentaries, I watch gotcha days on youtube. I think about all the big life changes like preparing for a special need and the little life changes like how to drive a double stroller - or even if I should double stroller at all. I have been planning for Elora for at least 5 years seriously and 1.5 years officially. I think I will be at a bit of a loss when all the planning ends. Some parts of that sound like heaven, like knowing when I can take a vacation again and finally answering that troubling double stroller question. Other parts I think may leave me a bit vacant. Part of this, is that I feel right now, that I want more than two children. But our plan is that Elora is the last. Every little miracle that children bring you, the ones I have with Elora will be my last ones. There will be no other little miracles growing up behind her. It just seems profoundly sad. I never thought I would feel this way, I was so sure that two was plenty and perfect. I honestly feel though as if I may never want to stop. I used to laugh at the likes of Brangelina when they said they wanted enough for a soccer team. I get that. I love every stage that my son has been in. But every day I long for a baby in my arms. Every new stage brought rejoicing and a deeper connection between us, but it also brought deep yearning for the stages left behind. I wish I did not feel this way, I wish that two really was enough. I am starting to think I will just live with this need for the rest of my life. I would push and pinch and barging and save if I really believed that a third would bring an end to this deep longing. I am so sure that it would endure, so I think it's best not to even open that can of worms. Motherhood has changed me in ways I never would have predicted, and strengthened me and my relationships in ways that I thought would crumble under the pressure. I am so thankfully for motherhood. But I might be addicted to it. ------- On a totally unrelated note, I saw a little girl on the New Day foster home web site, she was in our approved age range, and need. Her name is Ella, the nickname I use for Elora. I am not the type to believe in signs or divinity, but I do think that adoption can be mystical. Like when you find your soul mate, there is some fate and magic involved. So I am just saying, that this little one jumped off the screen at me, I just want to record it and time stamp it, so there is no question later when I call it mothers intuition.

Great post

2011-03-28T17:37:00.002-04:00

I just want to share and chronicle this amazing blog post about being the grandparent of a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The author is clearly an amazing mom and grandmom.

My top ten baby products

2011-03-23T10:22:00.011-04:00

I have had a few expectant moms ask me what my all time favourite baby products were. I thought it may make a great blog post. Most of these things that made it to the faves list are products we are still using today with a toddler so they stand the test of time.

So here they are in not much of an order:

1. Baby Hawk's Mei Tai carriers. (okay I know I just said not much order, but this one is the clear clear winner and my most favourite baby product ever) They rock and here are the many reasons why: Adorable prints, reversible, no need to fiddle with buckles - yes this company now makes one with buckles but skip that, these are good because you can switch from mom to dad and side to front to back with no need to readjust. They are small, you can roll them up to the size of diaper so they are easy to bring along "just in case". They are washable durable cotton. We used ours from week one till today 28 lbs. We use it at least once a month still, didn't I mention that my son (born to me) has many attachment issues. Go figure. So any ways he likes to be carried in it, and we use it for getting chores done around the house. I still carry him in the front, I find it easier but my husband prefers to wear him on his back at this weight. You can wear them front facing in or out, side like a hip carrier or on the back. If you are in the GTA you can purchase one and try it on at evymama, they also ship across Canada and you can often get one on sale if you are not picky about the colour.

Then (2 months old) Excuse the messiness of the tie, I am pleased with my self for getting it done forward facing for the first time. He liked to be facing out from a very young age, with in a month I could do this blindfolded and even fashioned a little furry poncho type thing to go over it so we could leave the house and I could walk to the bus keeping him warm and then take the poncho off when we got in the bus/mall all with out having to remove him. That was good because he used to sleep in this like a log.

....and Now (21 months). Yes that is my husband with a steam mop and a baby and yes this is the sexiest photo ever.

2. Playtex drop in bottles. Now when you need to buy a bottle there a zillion that will tell you that they are the best with no air, less burps, just like mom's nipple, simulating a breast. I know because I bought one of each. And NONE of them work as well as the drop ins. The drop ins have a outer casing then you slide in a plastic baggie of sorts. This means you only need to clean the nipple you can reuse the sleeve and toss the baggie. I recommend the more expensive self standing baggies over the fiddly ones that come on a roll like supper market bags. Most big stores carry a no name version of the drop in bags so they are pretty affordable still. If you are in Canada, the President's Choice brand is better then the playtex version too. The other great thing about these bottles is that the bag collapses around the liquid creating a vacuum effect. That means absolutely NO air gets in there and makes baby gassy. This has another fantastic unexpected perk, baby can drink by him self before he has the ability to understand the concept of tipping a bottle to get the milk, it comes up like a straw. Now keeping in mind my adoption audience, this is not such a big deal since the whole point is to feed baby and use this as bonding time. But no matter what there is going to be a moment when you are driving and the baby is starving in the back seat and you are going to be so happy that you can just pass over a bottle and problem solved.

3. Pacifier clips. No particular brand but it MUST have a metal clip. The plastic clips do not stay put. TIP: Attach a hair elastic to the end and they make a great bottle holder too for in the stroller, keeps the bottle from being flung out when you least expect it. Target sells a cute one by Munchkin.

4. Safety First Baby monitor. This digital one is great has excellent range and battery life plus it is good looking. I really love that it does not constantly hum and has a unique signal so no one can pick up our frequency. This is a big issue, you may not know but the other types all share the same frequencies and I have heard tales of neighbours hearing the goings on in each others houses. Thieves have also been known to cruise around using the monitor to monitor you and what is happening in your routine.

5. Fisher Price neck pillow. Again we have been using it from day one till now. It is used in the car seat, but also when we go hiking and he is in the back pack and when he was in the mei tai as well and we would go walking. (that is not my kid by the way, it is a stock photo.)

6. Pampers, sorry the no name diapers just can hold the liquid like pampers can. I put diapers to the test, I have a skinny mini so I can not just up the size for more absorbency like other moms do. And I have a toddler with eating issues so he still gets most of his nutrients from formula. I know, go figure. So you can only imagine the amount of liquids I deal with on any given day.

7. Baby legs. We love these. My son wears them every day in the winter as a sort of long john. I hate that boys pants are so loose and baggy around the ankles and the socks are never high enough. These are pricey but they last forever and if you have a crafty friend it is really easy to knit your own. Also check out babysteals.com and babyhalfoff.com, they occasionally go on sale there. These also rock because my skinny mini is always outgrowing the length on the pants before the waist. This way he looks less like he is preparing for a flood and more like he is very fashion forward. Some times it is fun to just be pants free. Baby legs are going to play a key role in our potty training days too.

8. A bumbo and tray. This is one of those things that I though could not possibly be worth it, you think it won't get used much. Nope. We used ours from age 3 months until he could escape it at age 7 months. Not as long as I used some other products but it was used all day!! I used it for every meal, he sat in it in the shower with me (kept me much more showered then a lot of other moms I know, not that that's a bad thing, I am just saying... I always wondered why every one didn't take every shower this way) and it also worked great for visiting or going to restaurants. Here is squeaker at his 100 days party, he sat in the middle of the table just like a little emperor should. :)

9. As for all the other gear swings, saucers, bouncy chairs and jolly jumpers and all that jazz each baby seems to be different. Here is a tip though these things actually work BETTER second hand, all the springs are rather stiff and difficult for babies to use when these are brand new. They are easy to clean so go ahead and save your self some money by buying second hand. That way if that is not the thing your baby loves you have not wasted a few hundred dollars. Also try it out at a friends house first so see if baby is really in love with it, or try borrowing one first from a friend before you commit. If you really want to know what we loved it was: our walker the most followed by the jolly jumper and the bouncy chair for when he was itty bitty.

10. Diaper bag that has built in stroller clips. I don't have one brand preference over another, I like to mix it up so I tend to buy cheep ones but I must, must, have built in clips. They sell ones that are universal, but I have tried them all and they are all bulky, fidgety and many of them break constantly.

Well there you have it, my best tips. One last thing I will say while we are on the topic is that if you are going to have a c-section, or even if you are not, the thing that saved my life was Depends underwear. I used them for the first 2 weeks after giving birth, and they saved me so many times. I have passed this embarrassing advice along many times now, and each and every expectant mom came back to me later and whispered a secret thanks for this tip.
Your Welcome :)

Proud to have had a home study - and passed!

2011-03-11T10:56:00.002-05:00

It never occurred to me to be annoyed about needing to have a home study and be approved by (in our case, 3 now) government agencies before being allowed to adopt. The only thing I was less than happy about were the costs associated, but I just mentally clumped them with taxes and pizza delivery fees, essentially necessary, but still meriting the occasional grumble or eye roll.
I remember thinking when we found out I was pregnant that there was some injustice that I didn't get any government approved preparedness classes, that this baby was just going to sneak up on me with no real support of any kind.
Call me competitive or obsessed with winning, but I was really looking forward to being approved to parent. I attended our PRIDE class with some feelings of over preparedness, and stoped raising my hand to answer every question when I was politely informed that we did not get any grades, and beating the other patents to the punch was not helping the other parents learn. Oupsie. But I will have you know that I was singled out by our teacher months later for my amount of participation and for creating some lively debate in the room.
Now as an experienced parent I am seeing another DELIGHTFUL perk to this whole approved to parent situation. You may not have witnessed it yet, but there is a rampant amount of mommy competitiveness you will encounter on your every day life as a mommy. This will come from people who are your dearest friends, in-laws or even perfect strangers. It is sometimes given softly with true concern or other times due to true curiosity and many more times with a honey smile and snake eyes/smug mouth. There is nothing I hate more in a mom friend, I have a 3 strikes your out policy with this behaviour in parents. I don't need it in my life and I most certainly do not need you saying those things with in earshot of my children. You can usually see a Competitive Mom (CM) coming a mile away. Her sentences usually start with "So.... How old is he?" CM at this point seems barely able to listen to your answer because she has already begun to measure your child against every thing she read in "what to expect in the first year" book that she has memorized and is now singling out the things that your child seems to be missing out on for his scheduled month. CM now smugly asks says "Oh really, is he "fill in the blank with developmental milestone here" yet?
I used to answer "I am not sure, I haven't really been watching him too closely" (snicker) That usually shut up CM and she would walk away praising her self for avoiding having had a near friendship with such a wackadoodle mom such as me. Crisis averted.
Occasionally though there were CMs who would politely laugh at my joke and then follow up with helpful solutions on how to encourage my son to accomplish such pressing milestones before he chocked up another under achieving day. The "Have you tried..." is a indicator that you have encountered a Level2CM. These Level2CMs often would also question your choices to date to see if perhaps GASP you might have inadvertently caused this "delay" months earlier when you: Gave your child a bottle, fed him food that was not home made or organic, let him use a pacifier, used disposable diapers, immunized/refused immunizations, let him cry/did not let him cry, let him sleep on his tummy/did not give him enough tummy time.
BUT NOW!!!!! If I see a CM coming I can whip out my approved by Ontario to parent letter, that I plan to make wallet sized and laminate, and sweetly ask "Are you approved to parent?, oh you are not? I am. So, I am not worried, and neither are the 2 government agencies that approved me to parent.... Have you tried worrying less?"
Sweet!
Now on a more serious note regarding approvals, I can not believe the kahoonas some people have in complaining about having to do all this work "just to get a child". Okay I get that before this paperwork you may have done a lot of work to get a child including medical interventions and who who knows what else, and that the (I lovingly quote Claudia here) "mythical cr@ck-wh0re" down the street didn't need to prove anything to get her babies. BUT, and this is a big BUT they are not about to parent some one else's child. We demand that other people who care for our children be licenced, regulated and monitored. Once you are a parent researching day care for your child I really doubt that you would even consider a school with no licenced teachers because hey who needs a licence, the cra@ck-wh0re didn't need one and she has 5 kids in her house! Ya that does not fly because they are all hers, you see what I am saying, adoptive parents have a higher level of accountability, be proud of that not grumpy. Now I know this is very contrary to the rightful attitude that when you adopt they are all your own. But at this point of paperchasing you have not yet earned the right to label them as "your own" you have not passed the tests that are in place for this very reason, so that every one can have confidence that you are going to parent them with some level of standards.
Now speaking of standards, I personally would like to see them higher. I have a lot of concerns about parents who are being approved who are not really prepared for what lies ahead. They have not been educated about attachment, special needs, transratial adoption issues, trauma. Many of them have not resolved their own issues of loss or have motivations that can impact their future children. I see it all the time in blogs, and I wonder who approved them when there is this glaring issue right here. I am not saying they should be denied, I just feel that there should be a much higher level of preparedness for all adoptive parents. Maybe we should be graded, maybe there should be exams and mandatory reading. Maybe there should be more than just boxes to check, forms to fill and fingerprints to mail. I also think there should be continuing education and follow up exams and mandatory reading for the age appropriate events that happen for adoptees, a sort of re-certification if you like. Information changes, new studies are made and I know that parenting attitudes have changed so much in the past 5 years. I think we all agree that post adoption support needs to be improved, but I think that it also needs to not be optional support.

Ontario Approval

2011-02-25T17:17:00.002-05:00

It has been a supper busy week. Sadly one of our dogs died. So I am very late with the exciting news that we are approved by Ontario and moving forward getting ready to send our file to China. I had a more entertaining post planned on this topic, but it will have to wait for another day when my mood can match my intentions.

Dear China

2011-02-11T13:52:00.002-05:00

I am about to start writing my Dear China, also known as the Letter of Request to Adopt, that is such a great name for this letter, but for the ease of this post it will hence forth be referred to as the Dear China letter.
This letter is harder then it should be. Well it is just hard for me. The letter is NOT a form letter, according to the instructions. Although helpful AP's have made templates if you google it. Apparently there are some key words that the officials are looking to see, but beyond that it is pretty much just a formality.

The whole problem that led us here really starts many decades ago, when I was first given a journal. I have documented my life via journals both paper and digi since I learned to write. You see I fancy myself some what of a writer. A writer with no ambition, structure or audience, but you know, a passionate writer none the less. I have always thought that my journals might turn into a book one day, or even better yet a broadway musical. And since I am just that ego centric, to think that any one would watch a musical about me, I also have assigned songs to stages of my life, to aid the future screenwriter of my life. I do also think about costumes and sets while I sing the songs, and go about my daily life envisioning it if it were on stage.

Ya I am weird. So. We all have our thing. Mine is that I wish I lived in a musical, and that it were really possible for me and the strangers on the street to break into song and choreographed dance together on a daily basis. Since that seems unlikely, I focus on "Sylvia, the musical" instead. One more confession; I think it would actually be called "Love Always, Sylvia". You see for continuity I have always singed my journal entry at the end with Love Always, Sylvia, so it would be a fitting title.

That brings us to the difficulty I am having with my Dear China letter. I am having trouble keeping it nice, neat and straight forward. I want to pepper it with prose, song lyrics, antidotes and wittily placed emoticons. I am having a serious case of writers block, and not because I have nothing to say, but rather way too much to say.

Have any of you noticed that when you become a parent sappy love songs have new meaning to you. I sing love songs to my son all the time. One that recently became "our song" was that crappy Kai$ha song "your love is my drug", it is a horrible song, but we both love to sing it. I made a little play list for baby and me of all my love songs to him, we sing them together at night before bed. Elora has her own play list that I am adding to every day as well.

Okay I am getting off topic. I just hoped that getting my sillies out over here would lead me to the perfectly formed, proffessional yet heart felt Dear China letter that still lies unwritten.

Dear China, -DRAFT-

What rushes into my heart and my skull, I can’t control
Think about it, feel it in my bones
What rushes into my heart and my skull, I can’t control

I feel you in my bones
You’re knocking on my windows
You’re slow to letting me go
And I know this feeling oh, so
This feeling in my bones
You are here to stay

-Tegan and Sarah

I have wanted to love one of your daughters since I was a child my self. Some girls want to grow up to be doctors or singers or writers, but I have only ever consistently wanted to be one thing. That one thing is to be the mother of children who need mothering. So, as Tegan said it best, I feel you in my bones. It is like this dream has grown to be a part of me. It is like you are my bones, supporting every thing I do, every choice I make, all in aim of bringing a daughter home from China some day.

This dream influenced my choice in my husband. If you were not okay with adopting from China, that was a deal breaker. This turned out to be a good indicator to the quality of a man, if on a first date the man was prepared to commit to caring for a child not of his own flesh, you could really count on the essence of his character, and on how well he would care for me as well. Yes I did bring this up on the first date. No I was not that good at dating.

I have so many things I could offer to your daughter. Some of them are god given talents of mine but the more important ones are the things that I heard she might need from me some day, so I have spent these past years making sure I had those things to give her. Things like patience, Chinese home cooking, spatterings of Mandarin, the ability to be wrong - with grace, good listening skills and a dab of child psychology.

I promise to let her be any thing she wants to be. I promise to bring her home to you as regularly as finances allow, and at least monthly we will visit China town. Since I'm addicted to coconut buns and bubble tea, we are there any ways, but my waist line may not allow us to make more frequent visits then monthly. I promise to keep adding to my skills, daily making my self into the mother she needs.

I understand your loss, I won't assume to know how you feel, but I understand that this is a loss for your country. I know I am gaining from your misfortunes and although I am powerless to right that injustice at this time, I vow to always be your ally. A banisher of misinformation and a champion of change.

My Dear China, we will now forever be linked. I am honoured to join my family with you.

Love Always,
Sylvia

Sigh..... Back to the drawing board, and reality.

We are still just waiting

2011-02-09T15:20:00.004-05:00

So here are some cute photos to fill in the blanks.

Squeaker's first CNY - 2010

This year's CNY - 2011

Same high chair, same outfit, same meal (dumplings)... what can I say they are a big hit with my boy, there was a period of time that he ate them every day.
My Chinese New Year resolution is to celebrate with more fan fare next year. Learn a new dish to cook, get Squeaks a new outfit, and with any luck make room at the table for another highchair.

A tiger or a Rabbit?

2011-02-07T16:42:00.003-05:00

We expect Elora will be born some time this winter. This means she could be either a Tiger baby or a Rabbit baby. It seems that they could not be more different.

Tiger people are sensitive, given to deep thinking, capable of great sympathy. They can be extremely short-tempered, however. Other people have great respect for them, but sometimes tiger people come into conflict with older people or those in authority. sometimes Tiger people cannot make up their minds, which can result in a poor, hasty decision or a sound decision arrived at too late. They are suspicious of others, but they are courageous and powerful. Tigers are most compatible with Horses, Dragons, and Dogs.

People born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious. They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste. Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky. They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind. Rabbit people seldom lose their temper. They are clever at business and being conscientious, never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise. They are most compatible with those born in the years of the Sheep, Pig, and Dog.

Since both of her parents are Sheep, the natural fit would be a Rabbit baby, but somehow I think I am going to get a little Tiger who will come in and stir the (hot)pot.

Dream Girl

2011-01-24T08:51:00.003-05:00

I had a very vivid dream of Elora and our trip to China last night. This time for the first time I saw the face of my baby. The dream opens on the day before Gotcha day. We are visiting an orphanage to volunteer. While we are there I become smitten with a little girl with navy blue eyes and strawberry creme colored hair. She is 14 months old and born on October 14th. For some reason we are allowed to take her back to our hotel room for 72 hours and then make a decision about adopting her, I think instead of the child who we were referred. I spend time with the little bitty girl staring into her eyes and watching her army crawl around the room. And then I wake up.
I once heard a saying that there is nothing more boring then some one else's dreams. Typically I keep this in mind and don't share my dreams with others, and would not be blogging them either if this blog was not serving dual duty as my journal and experience log.
That being said I think there is some key things in my dream that my subconscious mind is processing. The first being those 72 hours between the call and the acceptance of the referral. I can not imagine the stress I am going to feel, the questioning, the anxiety, the love, the fear all rolled into one. I am dreading those hours. Also I have a feeling about the number 14. Haha I sound like a Gypsy at the fall fair gazing into a cryptic and vague crystal ball. I am just saying it now so that I can claim supper powered mothers intuition when (if) such a number comes to have any relevance at all. Thirdly, I am clearly drawn to the special need of Albinism, and wish that one way or another that I could reach out to these children in particular, who seem to wait so very much longer. Although a referral for any need on our list would be just great, I feel my heart strings tugged by the faces of these children. Maybe because there need is so visible, I spot them on the lists first. It is crazy, but I feel like I may not be done with just 2 children, and I would love to adopt again. Time will tell how I feel once I have 2 toddlers.... and I see no way to facilitate another adoption financially. But.... if there were no boundaries, I would love to try again, maybe specifically for a child with albinism.

Just a song running through my head, today, on match day

2011-01-18T15:28:00.002-05:00

You aren't in sight
Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
With the scenery flying by
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing me by
Or am I standing still?

January At Last

2011-01-05T10:58:00.002-05:00

You may have been born. You may no longer be particles in space. I may now be sending all my loving to a real girl. You and your mama are now in a world of pain. Because of that it is hard to celebrate that you are out in this big bad world. Hopefully you are not alone. I hope some one is cradling you, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. I hope you are warm.

Next year we will celebrate. Next year will be so different than this year. 2011 will not be kind to you, but we are all commited to making every other year work twice as hard to make it up for this one year. This one year that really was not fair to you. This one year that made every day a struggle for survival. This one year that will change everything you are and would be. This year that will never stop testing your resiliency.

Hang on my little one. We are going to find one another, we are going to get through this together. Forever.

the year in review

2011-01-02T18:59:00.001-05:00

1.What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

I went on a diet.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year's resolution was to maintain a work, life balance, that includes time with my single ladies (shout out to Jen) and working out.

I have pretty much done that, less working out since the cold weather hit, and my life could still use more Jen. But not a bad attempt. I really do excel now at leaving work at work and letting most things, even things that are of Seindfeldian ridiculousness, roll off my back like water off a duck.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sarah! Little Scarlett join us early in 2010 and now we all can't believe it has almost been a year already.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

We were in NY to visit my mountains and to Buffalo for some pretty epic shopping. I could write a manual on how to cross border shop in that town.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Just more time. Time the one thing more valuable than any thing (the lesson we learn in Money Never Sleeps) and what our grandparents have been trying to tell us since we were born. I feel it now very acutely. Hopefully reducing my daily commute by 75% this new year will also help me to have more time.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

That would be my "Toto we are not in Kansas any more" moment at work. Ask me about it, it will blow your mind.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Returning to work, exiting work and the rare day I got 3 square meals into Emery and neither of us cried.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I was too trusting, I believed that some people were looking out for my best interests and it turned out that the opposite was true.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Is teething an illness? Haha. In all seriousness though I was prepped for a lot of illness this year, now that Emery is interacting daily with snotty children, but we have been really lucky. The teething only lasted 2 days as well. I know. You can hate me now.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Well I bought a scrapbook letter making machine that I hope is the best thing ever! ... but it has not been delivered yet. I guess I will have to say... our HD antenna.

Jeremy reminds me we got a new car in 2010. It is definitely the best thing, especially the heated seats. I guess I just forgot about it since I am rarely allowed to drive it.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I was really happy about the repeal of the don't ask don't tell policy. I applaud all of those involved with getting that bill passed.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Children's Bridge adoption agency.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Transit, day care and a home study.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

China

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Your love is my drug. - Song was too damn catchy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? same

ii. thinner or fatter? thinner

iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

travelling

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Working

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We hosted, it was a smaller group than previous years. Over all it was pretty quiet and nice. We did a lot of festive things leading up to Christmas as well that I really enjoyed experiencing with Emery. He loved it all, with the exception of Santa.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

I did, I fell in love with particles in space.

23. How many one-night stands?

Zero, that was so 2001

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Modern Family is the head of the pack. That is saying a lot since I watch dozens of TV shows these days.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No not hate, but I sure have learned a thing or two about some folks that I would not have expected.

26. What was the best book you read?

Shanghai Girls.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Not anything of note.

28. What did you want and get?

I really wanted that job at the Rose Theatre. I have been stalking their job boards for years.

29. What did you want and not get?

A smooth adoption. If you are on the other side of this process you are laughing at that paradoxical wish. Apparently there is no such thing. So, I have also gained so much wisdom, it's a fair trade.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Mother and Child. Just amazing. See it. Just amazing, best I have seen in years.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

31, passed with very little fan fair.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

If I had found a way to stay at home with Emery full time.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Fulfilled last years promise to return to fab. I lack some enthusiasm for it but over all my fashion has improved 10 fold over the past 2 years.

34. What kept you sane?

My friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Natalie Portman might be my new Uma

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Toronto Mayoral race. Sorry guys you got the ^$&@* end of that deal.

37. Who did you miss?

Mat leave buddies. Johanna, Crystal, Linda and Mandy. We need to have a play date!

38. Who was the best new person you met?

The Mat leave buddies.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Baby fever is catching and can override logic. Prepare your self.

Happy New Year!!!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-16T11:34:00.002-05:00

Mother and Child - a review

2010-12-15T13:52:00.002-05:00

I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched "Mother and Child" last night and thought this was not only the best adoption related movie I have ever seen but also just one of the best movies ever.
The plot was original, real, fascinating, deep, dimensional. I really loved this movie.
It looks at adoption from so many view points. I am fascinated that this film maker is not him self adopted, I am dieing to go learn more about his process, so curious to find out how he managed to make it so real.

This is a must see, and will be a predominant fixture in my movie collection. I think one day this will be a great movie to share with my daughter. I wish every one was forced to watch this movie, it really confronts every adoption myth, and it is a good story to boot.

It is our responcibility

2010-12-07T20:15:00.004-05:00

I realize that my earlier post was fiery and judgmental, but I was trying to make a point by showing the extremes. It is a post that comes from anger surrounding how parents seemingly choose to stay ignorant about the challenges and issues in adoption. It is about how steamed I am for the complete disregard for the other people affected by the adoption triad.
As adoptive parents it is our responsibility to understand the role we play in the injustices of adoption. We need to help change the tide in the media, with the general public, with every one. And so I screamed and shouted yesterday because I feel this voice is not heard enough, so I over compensated with volume. As Kelli mentions in the comments section, this is a multi-faceted issue, so true, but I just guess in that moment I needed to shout out the one side that never gets talked about.

Just so that you do not think I am full of angry BS please familiarize your self with these two handy lists, if you have not seen them already:

From Adoption Families:

The following is a list of wrong motives to adopt:

Because everybody is doing it (children should not be a fad)

To have someone who will love you back (not every child may want to reciprocate your love and affection-initially anyway)

Your biological clock is ticking (not good motivation for adoption)

You want some company (adopt a dog!)

Because you feel sorry for the child or want to rescue them (feeling any sense of indebtedness is not fair to a child who did not ask to be in the position they are)

You could really use another person to help out around the house (hire a housekeeper!)

A playmate for your other children (baby-sit or do more play-dates)

Because children from ______ are so cute (may be cute, but cute is not a good reason to adopt)

If I can't have a child biologically, I guess I'll settle for adoption (adoption is not second best, it's just a different path-and it's not easy)

A child will bring my spouse and I closer (might be true, but will likely cause more tension and less one-on-one time together; not good for a struggling marriage)

I need someone to pass on the family name (poor reason to adopt)

I'll start the adoption process and hopefully my husband will come around (it takes the full cooperation of both in the relationship to do this otherwise it is likely to cause great tension in the marriage)

Love will cure any problem a child may have and I have a lot love to give (unfortunately no amount of love in this world can help some children; though patience, proper advocacy and empathy can help)

Tired of watching other women have babies (not a good reason to adopt; children who are adopted often have very unique special needs that require a lot of devotion)

Could use some extra income (some special needs adoptions provide subsidy to cover a child's extra care needs; often the subsidy does not meet all the expenses of the child)

You want someone to leave an inheritance to (donate to a worthy charitable organization)

You think you'll gain respect and status of sainthood (this is a purely selfish motive; likely you'll feel more like a servant than anything high and mighty)

I need a reason to get up in the morning (program your coffee maker; with children there are likely to be days when you don't feel like getting up in the morning)

A big tax write off (while this is a bonus, your children will likely cost you more than you'll get back from your taxes)

To make me feel complete (you really ought to feel complete before you adopt)

To have someone to care for you in your old age (children don't always outlive their parents; it's terribly sad to hear such expectations being placed on a child; start saving for your future now)

Go ahead and count how many times these reasons/justifications appear in our community. Count how many times they appear in the starfish conversation I was responding to. Count how many people feel that you should not be able to adopt unless you are infertile. Check to see if any adoptee has ever put fertility ability on their list of ideal parental qualities.

Point # 2, this is not about the parents, it's about what is best for the kids. The best voice we have that represent our future children is that of the adult adoptees. Buried somewhere in that angry post below, I do not think I made this point succinctly. But if you read their words you will hear time and time again, that our children will be burdened with our motivation to adopt, it is a part of their adoption story and being, it will influence their sense of self.

From Adoption Survivor:

Sage Advice for Adoptive Parents

Re: What if? Questions to Adult Adoptees

After reading the heavy traffic that this group generates, I was
wondering if the adoptees would like to share specifics of what was
good and not good, what would have helped, what should have been
avoided, in their upbringings.

Here are Sunny Jo’s perfect answers:

do’s:

keep b-culture alive in daily life through contact with immigrants from
the child’s b-country who can take the contact beyond ethnic food and
cultural artifacts

make sure contact with b-culture (mentioned above) is introduced early
on so to make the b-culture an equally natural part of life as
the ‘culture’ of the a-family

keep in contact with other a-families

live in diverse areas where your child won’t be the only person of
colour. do NOT believe, however, that ‘anything but white’ is ok, an
adopted korean child won’t necessarily have more in common with a
person of african or arab origin than a white person will.

go on frequent homeland journies back to the b-country, and even
(partially) pay for the child’s first (and/or subsequent) homeland
tours as an adult

involve the entire a-family (parents, siblings etc) in the
adoption/cultural activities, without appropriating and appropriating
it (a difficult tightrope to walk)

read ‘beyond good intentions’ by cheri register

if possible, enter your child into a mentor program which gives him/her
a chance to meet adult adoptees (and/or ‘native’ koreans)

encourage language studies

give back to your child’s country of origin by supporting social
change, e.g. through sponsorship through SOS children’s villages or
other charities

read books, articles, websites, blogs etc written by adult adoptees
(and APs with adult children)

support local adult adoptee orgs (e.g. financially) but accept that
it’s up to the org to let you in to their events or not

love your child like your own, but accept that s/he never will be
fully ‘your own’

allow your child to grieve and be angry

seek professional help if necessary

don’ts:

adopt only one child from the same country, esp. in families with bio
children

adopt children from totally different countries/culture (e.g. africa
and asia)

accept adoption agency advertising, information and propaganda at face
value

be possessive, an adopted child will never be ‘yours’ in the same way
as a bio child since the BPs will forever, whether known or not, be
part of your child’s life (and APs can never take their place)

think that food, education and other stuff valued in your culture, will
make up for the losses caused by adoption

ignore or trivialize racism, e.g. by comparing it to injustices you
have suffered

expect your child to be grateful

think you ‘saved’ your child since many adoptees have bio siblings who
stayed with BPs and are doing just fine

feel threatened if your child wants to move back to tyhe b-country as
an adult or young adult

accept any kind of racism or bigotry coming from family, friends,
neighbours or anyone else

accept your child to be treated as an exotic pet, e.g. by strangers who
want to ‘pet the hair’ or ask private questions about the child’s
background etc etc

believe that it was god’s will that your child came to you, b/c that
would automaticly make it god’s will for your child’s BPs to end in the
unfortunate circumstances which led to the abandonment – and no god
worth worshipping should want that on anyone

force your religion, culture etc onto your child since it might
conflict with the child’s original religion or culture. as a family
member the adoptee should ofcourse be part of celebrating holidays like
anyone else, but if the child chooses to opt out of certain regulations
(e.g. dietary regulations which prevents certain foods from the b-
country) then this should be respected

And from Heart, Mind, Seoul

Twenty-Three Things This Korean-Adoptee Thought About as a Child

That many times I was embarrassed and ashamed of my birth culture because it was so profoundly different than that of my family and my friends. That too often it served as an easy and irresistible source of teasing and fodder for others - strangers and classmates alike.
That despite my parent's unconditional love for me, I couldn't help but feel that I was the last option for them to finally have children.
That phrases like "Thank God we can always adopt" or "Well, at least there's a world of unwanted children we can adopt from since we can't have kids of our own" only fed into my belief that adoption truly is, for virtually all couples, the very last resort by which to create a family.
That as a young girl, the thing I was most grateful for was not having a sister who was my parent's biological daughter. That even the mere thought of being compared or having to share my parents with a sister who was their "real" daughter was too much for me to bear. Being the oldest and the only girl was my way of telling myself that I was special, even when I didn't always believe it.
That instead of always hearing, "You're so lucky to be adopted", that it would have been nice to just once hear "It must be hard sometimes to be adopted."
That the insatiable need for me to be perfect was a way to make me feel more valuable, and therefore less likely to be abandoned once again.
That the insatiable need for me to control every facet of my environment was a way to feel safe and secure during a time when I felt that I was disposable.
That my mind understood why my Korean mother had to give me up, but that my heart didn't.
That the message "She loved you so much that she gave you up for a better life" meant that it was sometimes scary to be loved so intensely by my adoptive parents.
That deep down, I wondered if I could ever be good enough. After all, I was left and given away as a baby; why would anyone leave their baby unless that baby was bad and unwanted?
That I dreamed of going back to Korea just to be able to fit in amongst my peers. That I would have given anything to just once be the girl who was thought of as being popular, pretty and "normal", instead of the one whose sole appearance brought forth so many unwanted questions and assumptions.
That often I thought of ways I could make myself look more white, just so I wouldn't feel like such a monster.
That I wondered what it would have been like to be the girl someone fought fiercely over, instead of feeling like the child my Korean parents didn't want and the daughter that my adoptive parents had to settle for.
That I felt so incredibly guilty anytime I felt anything sad or bad about my adoption. That it was much better to hold everything in than to hurt my parents who I know loved and adored me more than life itself.
That I became very adept at spinning my own adoption story, for the sake of my own survival.
That it was impossible to be angry or hateful towards my Korean parents for leaving me, and yet impossible to forgive myself for being left.
That I got to a point where my mind truly believed everything I was saying about not feeling any effects or fallout from being adopted, even if my heart and body felt markedly different.
That one's body will not lie, no matter how much you ask it to keep on pretending.
That my tantrums, outbursts and fits of rage were my way of trying to say, "I'm hurting so badly inside and more than anything, I am afraid that you will leave me."
That love, no matter how deep nor abundant, can ever erase the past.
That in spite of everything, I knew I would come out on the other side.
That I have loved, and been loved and that one day I would feel that I was actually deserving and worthy of that emotion.
That what others saw in myself would one day be evident to me as well. And hopefully one day, I would truly learn to love and forgive myself..

P.S.
Some more links I like
10 do's and don'ts -Love isn't enough. Raising a family in a color stuck world

What if this was my girl?

2010-11-24T09:33:00.002-05:00

Baby girl in China abandoned on the street... because she is BLONDE

By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 5:46 PM on 23rd November 2010

A mother abandoned her newborn baby on the street in China - because the little girl was blonde.

The white-haired Chinese baby was discovered by a passer-by on a street corner in Nanning, Guangxi Province.

The woman who found the child heard a cry and made the shocking discovery.

Enlarge

The little girl was found on the street in Nanning, Guangxi Province with a note and some baby clothes

'I was walking to work and heard cries from a wrapped-up quilt in the corner' she said.

'By opening it I found a baby crying very sadly.'

Police found a bag of baby clothes besides the quilt and an envelope containing 3,900 Yuan, about £390.

On the envelope the mother had written: 'I hope warm-hearted people can help to send the baby to the orphanage house. Wish you all the best.

'My dear baby I am an irresponsible mother and an incapable mother. I am sorry.'

Police suspect but have not confirmed that the mother dumped her child because of the baby's white hair.

Police suspect the mother may have dumped her child because of the baby's white hair

She may have been given up because she was a girl or because her mother could not afford the fine for keeping her.

Most Chinese families are allowed only one child to reduce the 1.3 billion-plus population and cut unsustainable demand on resources.

Many children, mostly girls, are abandoned because of the policy.

The policy also leads to an estimated 13 million abortions every year, with many of those ordered by local authorities. Infanticide is also widespread in many rural areas.

Those who violate the one child law can be fined up to £25,000.

Nanning, Guangxi Province in south central China

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1332341/Baby-girl-China-abandoned-street--BLONDE.html#ixzz16D7cAHqv

I found this article in the Daily Mail, and it has really stayed with me. There seems to be so much missing from this story, and yet still the words the mother left for her child are words that are seldom heard. The comments left by Joe Public regarding this article were also telling of how little understanding there is regarding China, adoption and relinquishment and this article does very little to help educate. I wonder why this made the news in a UK newspaper, why this baby as apposed to the thousands of others?
Regardless of the quality of it, I am thankful for this article. I hope that it lands in the hands of this child's future adoptive parents, what a treasure for them to have these photos and words, to see the concern of the world, every one wanting to care for her, populations united wishing for changes in the reasons for why this moment came to be.
This has left me also wondering, what if this was my girl? How do you explain her mother's assumed reason for relinquishment? I, as a mother, have to believe that the children with Albinism are abandoned because the mothers fear the condition is too medically complex for them to afford/manage. Here in the west many people wrongly believe that albinism = mental retardation, deafness and blindness, so it is not hard to believe that these children are loved but are placed in orphanages with the hope that medical care will be provided and that the child will be better off. I have to believe that, because I can't believe that any mother would abandon her child simply because of a prejudice or superstition.
But I could be wrong. China is a different culture who's people have generations of thinking that is contrary to my beliefs. It is wrong of me to assume that my concept of maternal love is the global standard. I am reading a book right now about Korea in the 30's and a line in the book really got me thinking. The father in the book makes a special effort to ignore his children and to be sure to remind them what pests they are to him because he loves them and wants them to grow up with modesty. He struggles (yet prevails) in fighting his affections towards his children for the greater good of not "spoiling" them.
As an adult who is seeking out this information, who is trying to learn and expand my mind, this is very interesting and I can put my self in this parents shoes. But how would I ever help my child to equate this type of parenting with love, when she has only been exposed to my form love.
I hope that she can one day see past how the western world judges China's mothers and find her mothers perspective and her mother's love for her.

Homestudy is in my hands

2010-11-18T17:20:00.003-05:00

We are in the home stretch of this first big step, but I feel other worldly. The rush is gone.

Literally, we have no deadlines to meet any longer, so all that remains in this step is checking off some more boxes. But I think the rush of the chase, paper chase that is, has also worn off. I am in a zen state, that has not even a tinge of irrational urgency. How very odd...

I think I may have used up all that type of energy on the Thailand process, where there were ticking time lines galore and each day late could mean a month longer in the end, tiny mistakes extrapolated into unknown and unfair delays. There were quotas and limits. With China now, I know there are more children then waiting parents. There is no sense of competition, the needs we have selected are not in a high demand. Our little girl just needs to be born, the wheel of fate just needs to be put into motion, its like we wait and as soon as she appears we will be matched. This process in of it's self feels much more right, calm, assured and peaceful.

I am reading so many blogs right now, I can not seem to get enough of them, and I see the joyous frenzy and the frustrated frenzy. I know that frenzy lays ahead of me, but not now, not till the match. Then, then I will need some sort of retraining device to keep me firmly stuck in the rules and the process, because I can not imagine having the state of mind to be able to check boxes at that point.

Signing off from bliss bubble,
Sylvia

p.s. I got to read my homestudy before it heads out to the government for approval and I will say that after all of that talking and paperwork the final product is a pretty glossed over version of all the deep (sometimes trick) questions. If I could sum up the whole homestudy process I would have to say the bark is worse then the bite.

Links I Love

2010-11-16T09:01:00.002-05:00

It’s National ADOPTION Month, Stupid.

It’s National ADOPTION Month, not National ADOPTEE Month. If it were National ADOPTEE Month things would be way different.

If it were National Adoptee Month..

There wouldn’t be any of those sickening adoption fairs where they parade those poor kids around like a bunch puppies.

There would be access to original birth certificates for all adoptees.

There wouldn’t be people prattling on about showing their love for Jesus by adopting children.

There would be a mission to acknowledge the loss this causes for the adoptee.

There would be no mass adoption finalizations gaveled in courtrooms packed with “new families” all over the county.

There would be a waiving of fees for adoptee access to court records concerning their adoption.

There wouldn’t awareness campaigns touting how adoption can make an adult’s life complete.

There would be an awareness campaign bringing the fact that many adoptees need answers to make their lives complete.

There would be no propaganda about saving a child’s life.

There would be access to medical records that really could save an adoptee’s life.

But most of all, it would be about the ADOPTEE, not ADOPTION.

Copied (with love) from:

According To Addie

Uhgg... November

2010-11-02T10:07:00.002-04:00

I hate November. It is like a dentist waiting room to me, something you just can't wait to get over and done with but has the strange ability to warp time to snail speed. I can tell you that June's 30 days never slow down one tenth of the speed that Novemeber's do. February is also a hated month, but at least it has the common decency to have only 28 days and we get some nice holidays in there as well.
I LoVE love love Halloween, and we had a great weekend of dressing up and fun times with friends. It is my favorite holiday, but admittedly it can also feel like a farewell party for the great seasons of spring, summer and fall... Leaving us undeniably in the onslaught of winter.

We had our last home study visit this past weekend as well and now we have to wait until the end of November to move onward to the next step of getting approved by our province.
I have had a lot of though fragments about our adoption recently, but nothing that in of it's self seemed worthy of it's own post. But here they are in no particular order:

I was wondering what it will be like to parent a daughter. With my son when he was new and we were bonding I remember feeling like a kid with a new boy you have a crush on. I always wanted to be touching him, when he looked at me I beamed, I could not stop talking about him, every thing he did was magical. All these months later he is still my little sweet heart who I am crushing on and I feel "off" when we have not had enough snuggle time. I guess since all of these feelings remind me of innocent love, falling in love, I wonder if it could feel the same for a mother and daughter. I guess that might be why we have Mama's boys and Daddy's girls. I was also wondering how it will feel if my little girl does not want to be snuggled. That will be so hard for me I imagine, and also so special when the day comes that she feels ready for all my lovin'.

I was thinking about how to explain the arrival of a sister to a non verbal child, when, how... When??? How???

I am also noticing that I am doing a very good job at gaurding my heart this time. I don't talk about our adoption with any level of certainty. Although I still read a lot and prepare, I did take a small break from even that. And now that we have some level of uncertainty regarding what special need she will have I don't day dream like I used to. I think that is mostly because I can not envision her in my mind's eye.

Mostly I just want time to fly by, well winter at least. I am stagnant and I hate it, I really am looking forward to being able to start to check some of that list of acronyms (DTC, LID, LOA, PA, TA, CA) off the list. I guess in the mean time I will just try to remember what they all stand for and if Canadians even have to do them all.

Hey guys it's referral day, the second best (bloggy) day of the month (after matching day). Check out all the cutie pies! I am day dreaming about the day our little blog will be listed and we can share our joy with the world. Until then it is all about reading another's joy and becoming infected by it :)

Dreams

2010-10-12T09:04:00.002-04:00

I had a dream of Elora in the early morning of the 11th. We were in China, the dream was so much more real with sights, sounds and even smells from my real memories of Beijing. I was caring for her, playing with her, but when I woke up I could not remember her face. I could not even summon up the colour of her hair, was it white or black?
There were other babies being adopted, the children of travel mates, one little boy in particular who was so skinny with a very wide toothless smile and legs that were like wet noodles. Those faces I can see and remember, but not Elora's.
Maybe you have guessed, but we are going to be marking albinism as one of our special needs we are prepared for - thus my curiosity regarding hair colour. :)

She and I

2010-10-05T09:34:00.003-04:00

I am knee deep in researching all the different special needs, selecting a new agency, recalculating time lines and the age differences between the kids when all of a sudden, like a load of bricks the most profound thing hits me.

My little Elora is not just particles in space any longer! She is in her mothers womb waiting to be born.

Here is the math that lead me to this realization. We will send our dossier to China in the new year, we need to state that our next child be under 12 months but born after January 2011, so that we do not violate our province's 18 month between children separation rule. The wait for referral is about 1 year, but may be shorter as we are looking at some needs that are considered moderate vs. just mild. Children are a minimum of 9 months old at the time of referral. So this means that our child will be born some time in the winter or spring of 2011, so any way you look at it, she is a pretty well developed fetus at this moment in time.

Now here is the really thought provoking part. Her mother is progressing with this pregnancy with every intention of parenting her. At this very moment she is preparing for the birth of her child with love and anticipation. It will not be until her daughter is born with more needs then she can cope with that she will have to make a decision that will change all of our lives forever. One day soon she will have to make the choice to relinquish her daughter, her loved and hoped for daughter.

But right now at this very moment in time, she and I are both loving and waiting for our girl to come into our lives. We have a lot in common at this moment, we are day dreaming about her, we are envisioning our lives with her, what will change, what we will hope to instill in her, impatient for her arrival. Right now we are just two mothers so different but on many levels just the same. The only thing is she does not know that a loss is coming, the break of the bond she has established all these months already is about to leave her with immeasurable grief. I know loss is coming, I am preparing for my role in this loss, I am doing everything in my power to be prepared. I will help our daughter heal, but I will never be able to help the woman who gave her life, to sooth her or even to change her fate. I can not say if she will make the right choice, if she will ever find peace.

I am just now beginning to really understand the link we will forever share is so much more then the daughter we share. But right now, I am the only one who knows what is coming. I am the one who started this chain of events that will link us, by choosing to adopt. It is like I have dipped my finger into the ocean, sending ripples across the water. A simple act right now, but as the ripple grows a tsunami awaits at the other end.

I had viewed adoption as a sort of cause and effect, there was a child in need of a mother (cause) and I chose to be the mother for that child (effect). Really though it is much more like there are two causes, the choice both mothers both mothers make, and the affect is the adoption and the child left in the wake of all these adult choices beyond her control or understanding.
Beyond the role I will play as loving mother to my longed for daughter, I now see I also will play the role in the domino affect of all our lives.

Right now in this moment, it is eerie (to say the least), to be the only one who knows that the tsunami is on its way, and I am utterly helpless to stop the hurt that is coming her way, and the joy it will bring our family as a result.

there she is

2010-09-24T10:33:00.003-04:00

This is my favourite photo I took while we were vacationing in China. There is Mao, and there is this little girl and her kite... and... there is me who is taking the photo. In that moment I remember I was day dreaming of Elora fiercely. This little girl and her kite her innocence juxtaposed against the square that has been bathed in the blood of the innocent. Her white sandals on the very stones, this photo just screams hope, to me.
This is where we were always meant to be, in China. It is where the dream of Elora began, and it is where it will become a reality. I worry about China, it's policies and their impact on the future of it's citizens. I worried so much, and I wanted so much for Elora to have a way in the future to know her first parents, and China makes that so near impossible. I thought that if we adopted from China, that would mean that I think what is happening there is okay, because in a way I will be profiting from their policies, and I would become a part of a cycle that needs to end, but I will not be helping to bring the end. So I forced my dream to morph to embrace Thailand for everything that China was not. But here we are again, come full circle, back to China. I can not yet say that I am glad that we took this detour on our adoption route, there is still too much pain associated with it. But I am glad for the lessons I have learned, the stories I have heard (and shared), and the friends and insights I have gained along the way.

So Elora is in China, now we just need to find the strength and the money to go and find her.

Oh ya, I guess I forgot to mention that: My husband is 1/4 Chinese (hence the Chinese surname we all have), that we have travelled in China, researched it, celebrate it (happy moon festival every one!), are learning mandarin (thanks Kai Lan). None of these things have to do with our desire to adopt, it just so happens though it makes adopting from China the obvious choice. Well obvious to any one but me :)

I'm just a girl in the world

2010-09-22T08:41:00.002-04:00

Did you know that in the poorest regions of the world, millions of girls face barriers to survival and development simply because they’re girls?

Did you know?

70 per cent of the one billion people living in extreme poverty are women and girls.
Girls are 3x more likely to be malnourished than boys.
Over 60 million girls are denied access to primary school.
An extra year of school for girls will increase their lifetime income by 10-20%.
Children of women who have completed primary school are less likely to die before age 5 than children of mothers with no schooling.
Women who do work reinvest 90% of their income back into their household.

Today is National Day of the Girl in Canada. Thinking about all girls in the world, and my girl too.

where in the world is Elora Eng

2010-09-17T08:13:00.002-04:00

I am a planner, there are no ways to get around it. I like lists, agendas, plans and check boxes. Scratch that I LOVE them, can't live with out them. And when one of those just can't get the job done, I made charts, graphs and spread sheets.
So now I ask my self what may be the biggest question I have ever had to answer, where in the world is Elora, and I can tell you that even the prettiest pie chart has been no help at all.
How do you rank the importance of each factor that needs to be considered when you adopt a child.
We want an infant, we have limited funds to dedicate to another child, we would prefer a girl, what race is best for our family and for her?, what resources can we find and provide, short term? long term? We would love to have history about her origins her birth family, we would like some openness. What country can we be happy to be forever linked with? Should we reach out to the child with the greatest need for a family? How exactly would that be measured any ways?
I have tried to do a pro and con list, a weighted grading system, a gut reaction, an educated detailed research... I am no further along. There are just too many questions. Just to make things difficult my opinion on many of these questions also seems to be in flux.

Until recently I was really sure that the youngest child possible trumped every thing. The idea of missing out on that itty bitty baby stage, and more importantly our child not having all the things that a fragile little one should have in those first months was just too heart breaking. It is no less heart breaking now, but now I am looking through a different lens. If a young itty bitty baby who had been loved and cherished from day one was truly the most important thing, then I would not choose to adopt, I would birth a baby who fit that criteria. Choosing to adopt is the only thing that has not been up for debate. I had what Oprah calls an AhhhHA moment when I realized that a very young baby actually needed to be on the nice to have list not the must have list.

I am having difficulty with this list of criteria in the first place, I wish that a child just came to me, that I did not need to "play god" and pick and choose each element. It makes me feel guilty each time I choose one thing over another. Mostly I just wish that we could have more children, that this one did not need to be the last one, it sure would help with those tough choices to think, well this time girl, NEXT time boy. Since we know this is the last time it makes things so much more difficult.

I have actually come to a place where I am looking for signs, dreams or any thing that will tell me that our child is waiting for us in (fill in the blank). This may not be a choice that involves any logic what so ever, and that feels really irresponsible to me, to just go with what feels right, not proven to be best. But in the end I think the graphs are telling me that this gamble with the fates may just be the only way.

P.S.
In reading my back my old posts from the beginning of the blog, I think the choice may be as clear as the writing on the wall... but I am resisting making that choice out loud or even to my self just yet, because I think I am not done yet with the waffling. I am not ready to invest my heart into any thing just yet.

Moving Past Denial and into Anger

2010-09-14T08:31:00.002-04:00

Well, well what an eventful week. I went to war with our adoption agency Children's Bridge because they refused to refund our fees that we paid early. These fees were not even due yet, and they should not have even had them yet, but I paid early, and now I am paying the price.
This event swiftly moved me forward into the anger stage of grieving and the following was the result. Oh yes we were on the news. My 15 minutes of fame, not what I had hopped they would be. And we didn't get the money back either.

that tear in your hand

2010-09-07T09:30:00.003-04:00

you don't know the power that you have
with that tear in your hand
HAZE all clouded up my mind
in the DAZE of the why
it could've never been
so you say and i say
you know you're full of wish
and your "baby baby baby babies"
i tell you there're pieces of me
you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me
you've never seen well
~Tori Amos

This post is a jumble, I know it already, even though I haven't even written a word of it. I know this because my mind and my heart are a jumble.
It has been 5 days since the news and I can not say that I am any steps closer to healing. I have spent the days holding my son too tight, staring off into space, crying and in a lot of denial.
My husband had sudden urges to "fix" things in the house, so the bathroom is in great disarray, and honestly I am not sure if our bathtub will ever work again (even though I don't really believe it was broken in the first place) with out the aid of a professional. So although we are united in pain I know we are grieving separately, I think he has progressed to the anger phase, while I am stuck in denial.
We have four main options available to us right now; domestic through the Children's Aid Society (CAS), domestic private adoption, South Africa or China Waiting Child (special needs). One bonus is that we can be "in line" with CAS, domestic private and one international country at the same time, so that is up to 3 separate paths. Once we are matched though we must end any other process, and loose any time, heart and money invested into that route. Although I know this is a great advantage for us, a chance to improve our odds, I am really having trouble with the idea of so much unknown.
Domestic adoption (whether private or CAS) will result in an unknown time line, as soon as 2 weeks and as long as never. Both extremes scare the ^%$!# out of me. We liked the idea of planning the separation between the kids to have only one in day care at a time, to work on my career for a while, to have only one in diapers at a time. Our timing was very thought out. If you recall that was the reason we choose to wait 9 months before starting our dossier to Thailand, so that we could perfect the separation between the kids. Oh ya, I am totally aware of how ironic that decision is. That is fate giving me a big ol' slap in the face and telling me to stop believing I have any say in this what so ever. Yet still I CAN NOT LET GO and give up control.
Second thing about domestic that is eating away at me, our child could be any race, any gender, any special need, any time... so a complete mystery. It is not that I feel that I could not parent any of those out comes, I think our family is so full of colors we could welcome a wide variety of children and they could see them selves reflected in one of their cousins faces. But you see I just thought that my daughter was Asian, I thought I knew what her eye color was, I thought I could picture her shinny black hair, I knew she was a girl. We have been told that despite my husband's Chinese heritage (1/4 from his dads side) that Asian children never become available for adoption in our region, so that match is very unlikely. I am also having trouble laying to rest the idea of having a daughter. I love love love having a son, but I really want the experience of having a daughter as well. I have researched and do truly believe that a daughter would be the best way to complete our family and ease sibling rivalry.
I know that you can not pick and choose the features and gender you would get with a child you birth, and in my mind I agree that adoption should be no different... I am none the less going through what I suppose many adoptive parents go through as they decide to adopt... I am having to let go of the pre-conceived notions of who my future child would be. I have to surrender the simple dreams like being able to picture your child in your minds eye when you are longing for them, because that picture is completely unknown.
This experience with Thailand has robbed me of my certainty. This is the hardest thing of all.
I now wonder if I am as open hearted as I thought I was. I am realizing that because I never really "chose" adoption, because it was always just a reality for me since childhood, it was just an eventuality, I never really had to face the hard facts and the loss involved for so many other parents who adopt. It seems that when put to the test, in my core somewhere I actually have a lot of conditions about what adoption means to me. I am not sure I want to adopt "any child". I just want my daughter, the one who has been in my dreams longer then I can remember. I am sure I could parent any child, but I am not sure I can stop wanting my Elora.
So I just heard this ancient Arabic proverb: "Through your heart out and then chase after it." I sure lived my life this way. But I would say this is horrible advice for any waiting parent who cares about the health and safety of said heart. I am entering this next phase of my adoption with a very closely guarded heart, out of necessity, but I feel absolutely sick about this necessity. That kind of heart is not the kind to welcome a child with. The world seems a darker, lonelier place to me now, five days after.

hit the wall

2010-09-03T14:52:00.003-04:00

So Thailand said no. I am still in too much grief to think about the next step or even why this happened. So many families from around the world have contacted me and given me hope with their stories, I really thought this might just be a test or another hurdle. I don't think I was ready to hear that this is the end of my destiny with Thailand. But I heard it from the horses mouth and there is no ambiguity or what ifs left.
I don't even know how to move forward from here.

My Shift of heart

2010-08-31T11:14:00.003-04:00

Let me begin this post with a review of a movie I just watched.
The Art Star and the Sudanese Twins
This is a movie I have wanted to see for a very long time. I have been thinking about how I have changed since I first heard about it in early 2008. If I had viewed it then I think it would have shook me to the core of my beliefs. However viewing it now, I just shook my head and was glad that it was out there and hoped it would come to be the shift in mind set so many others need.
As the movie unfurls we see an egotistic liar scramble and scurry to adopt twins who she falls in love with while working as an artist in Sudan. Now I fully understand that falling in love feeling, like it's me against the world, do what you got to do to get what you love and all that jazz. In fact it is one of the reasons that I have not used my fight-to-end-injustice-passions in practical ways like volunteering at an orphanage. I know that the ego maniac in me could be ignited when faced with the very real love I would feel for real babies in real dire conditions. This my friend is where my empathy for the "art star" ends, because each frame after that just leaves me more and more appalled and scared that she may actually be allowed to adopt the twins and be their mother. I knew at the beginning that this was a story of a woman who adopts after having biological children, she is a preferential adopter. Wow, I think, a movie about an adopter like me, fantastic! At the end of the movie how shamed I am that we fall some how into the same category. Now I know why Thailand does not want preferential adopters, if this is how we are portrayed, I would also forbid any child to be adopted by them.
This movie hit me in a really personal way, because I wished (yes, again) to see a portrayal of my family in the media, to see us, and to fit in. Instead I just found another place that we didn't belong.
Now let me start at the beginning...
Once upon a time I believed that every one should adopt. I found it unbearable to watch people I knew and love spend a kings ransom on fertility treatments all in the quest for your own biological clone. This sum of money could have changed the fates of so many children if only these parents could open their hearts and let go of biology. I still feel that adoption gets over looked because of misconceptions and stereotypes and I would like the general population to change their views about adoption, but I no longer think that every one should adopt.
I think the shift began when I started reading every and any blog I could get my hands on that was adoption related. I started reading blogs from all points of the adoption triad (first family, adoptee and adoptive family). Mostly I began to be repeatedly surprised that it was an adoptive parent who was acting or judging in a way that seemed so destructive to their (future) child. I saw a trend, and I really got that it would be really easy to be an "angry adoptee" when this was a portrait of the normal adoptive parent.
More recently in our PRIDE class (adoptive parenting class mandated by our province) I met a room full of adoptive parents and I hoped that none (save 2 couples) ever got the chance to adopt... well that is a bit harsh, but they needed monumental shifts in their being and in that of their families and communities being first, and I had doubts that this shift would happen in time for the arrival of their child.
By the end of the class I think I got the well deserved reputation of being the lecturing-know-it-all-bitch of the class. I just could not help my self :P
Real quotes from real adoptive parents in my class:
"Our cousin adopted a child from China, she is known as the "freak child" in our family. But we have all grown to love her now."
"Birth mothers give away their children because they live in countries where there are no morals to guide them, they are faithless."
"In other countries it is considered the social norm to abandon children, so that is why they have so many orphans"
"I don't want to tell my child they are adopted, that is why we can't adopt a child of a different race."
Maybe now you can see why I could not keep my mouth shut, or keep the bitch at bay.
So here I am now, on the other side of the shift, oh so aware that adoptive parenting is a life long skill that always needs to be honed. And further more it is a skill that most don't acknowledge or develop past the home study.
So my husband and I entered our PRIDE class glumly the day after hearing about the rule change in Thailand, and we left with a renewed united determination to adopt, one way or another, because we were meant to do it. I think that for him especially seeing the other parents struggle with why those above statements were even wrong assured him that we are naturally inclined to this type of parenting. It eased his fears and let us walk with great unity in our choice. I will never wonder again if he is doing this to appease me, I won't have to suspect his motives. And I am so thankful that he is the only one who has never suggested a pregnancy as our next move or even as a future possibility, because he really and truly get's it. I have a great man, and I never dreamed that I could have a man who would parent with me side by side with as much unity as we have, and I am SO THANKFUL.

Glimmer of hope

2010-08-25T15:48:00.002-04:00

Just came across this post from another Thai blogger. She used a difficult pregnancy letter and is now in Thailand picking up her beautiful baby. It's old info (2008) but it is the closest thing to hope I found in all my stalking erm... researching.
Here is my Glimmer of hope.

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good, oh lord please don't let me be misunderstud.

2010-08-24T08:53:00.004-04:00

If one more person tells me to just get pregnant I am going to scream/melt/cry. I would never betray my daughter that way. That is a betrayal, to drop her at the first sign of challenge to just give up. Who are these well meaning people who know me and love me and yet still timidly suggest that I just re-evaluate and grow a baby instead.
Oh ya, here is another doozy, "the Lord works in mysterious ways" or "all things were meant to be". Very curious things to say to an atheist. Putting that aside, why would this atheist choose now look to a higher power. In this moment that seems to be a cruel twist of fate or at the very least horrible timing I see none of a supposed Lord's involvement and resent you implying that yet another person (in this case some heavenly father in the sky) really feels that I don't deserve/need this child.
On the other hand Buddha and I may be on a journey together right now. That I can wrap my head around. Maybe the universe wants me to learn some things that will make me a better parent to Elora. Maybe this is a step towards letting go of control and the belief that I can possess any thing, let alone particles in space that will one day be my daughter. I know I am filled with want and desire, they are the fuel of my drive and dreams, so I never faulted them. My Husband looks at me with pity and confusion when I grieve for something that was never even mine, some thing I had to right to claim. I think he was born with out desire, he never has to work at giving it up, he is like a natural Buddhist so I think he can not understand why it is hard for the rest of us.
I never asked for enlightenment. I don't know if I can give up desire and still be me. Sylvia falls head over heels, Sylvia loves first and questions later, Sylvia gets what she wants, Sylvia owns her dreams, Sylvia has a daughter named Elora who is waiting for her.
So Buddha, I hope this is not a lesson, or a test to prove I am worthy of your daughter. I would not be at your door asking for her still if I walked a Zen path.

Time flies when you are having fun

2010-08-20T09:26:00.003-04:00

There is this strange phenomenon that happens when you start to parent, time flies. And I mean ZOOMS! I am not sure why but the first year of my son's life was faster then any 12 months I have ever known. It is so cliche when you hear the grannies tell you enjoy it now because it is over too fast, or it seems like it was just yesterday that my little one was crawling and now he is at college. I get it now, and I understand the need to warn every parent behind you how fast it really goes.
I know I am so lucky to have my son with me during my waiting time for Elora. That was not the original plan, but it sure is great that it went this way, because he makes time fly. I think about all my (virtual)friends who are waiting for their little ones in the pre-child movement of time and I wish that we could change it all and make pre-child time fast and post-child time slow, how sweet would that be.
I have no such magical powers, but I do have the power of extreme cuteness, so I thought I would share that for now.

Emery at one month, seven months and thirteen months

In other news we have submitted our request for pre-approval using a note from my OB about my pregnancy troubles. I am not sure if that is powerful enough alone, but luckily I wrote an appeal to our agency talking about our choice to adopt from Thailand and my heartfelt words travelled along with my doctors note. I am hopping that the two combined will be the ticket we need. I will know if we got pre-approved by early September. More waiting, but waiting with a date attached, piece of cake! Just kidding about that easy part, but I think I am not alone in saying that this process sure makes you value the small things like a time-line that is relatively soon and finite :)

Sing. Breath. Wait.

2010-08-17T08:22:00.003-04:00

My moments of peace come to me when I am encircled in my music singing along. Each verse forcing me to breath, rhythmically, purposefully. Each breath passing reminding me that this too shall pass. At times like these I always forget to breath.

As a child a dream grew with in me, I heard a news report about the girls in China, being abandoned just because they were girls, and something in the little girl in me understood injustice for the first time. From that moment I knew I would have that little girl and she and I would forever stand together against injustice (a child's view of adoption, quite unformed but still filled with passion). I was not sure if I cared to marry, I was not sure where I would live but from a very young age I knew where my daughter lived, where she waited for me, where we would be united. From that moment on I lived my life with that one common goal, every other goal just a stepping stone to my girl. When the time came and it was clear that I could not choose China, I grieved for that dream. I grieved for a long time, but not in the way I do now. I didn't grieve as hard because Thailand was there like a shinning beacon of hope, and I felt the transition was right and fated. I came to understand all the great things that my Thai adoption would bring me that China never could. The gift of contact and information about our birth mother, the best orphanage care, the shortest stay in institutionalized care, an ethical transparent program, the people the culture, it was a perfect fit.
Now the time may come that I need to alter my dream again, but I can not do it yet, I can not see another beacon of hope. I have been researching and I can not see any other program that is clicking with us, nothing that lets me know that this is just the next logical step in a twisting journey. I feel like the road is blocked, that I can not possibly go another way. We will still adopt, that is the only certainty. But will I ever be able to stop searching faces and places for my Elora. Will I always feel that I have lost a dream even if I fulfill my intention to adopt?

There you are
Your beauty consoles me
I've gone far
And I almost didn't find you
And I almost lived without you
There is nothing in this world
I'd rather do
Than live in you
Here we go,
Our favorite adventure
You should know
I was never more complete
And I never thought I'd see
The meaning of my life
Wrapped in you
Next to me
If you ever fear
Someday we might lose this
Come back here
To this moment that will last
And time can go so fast
When everything's exactly
Where it's at
Its very best

Breath, sing, breath. Wait.

Dear Thailand please don't break my heart

2010-08-11T13:40:00.002-04:00

Okay the last time I titled my blog that way, every thing worked out. So I am just trying to keep it together here and not freak out.
Here is the update:
Got word from Children's Bridge this afternoon that TRC is planning not to approve the file of another family who is not medically infertile. They are requesting medical proof of infertility. This of course will impact us and they will deny our petition to adopt.
I am reeling with this sudden change, they will not grandfather us in. Our only hope is that we can get a letter from our doctor stating that it is medicaly not advisable for me to be pregnant again. Even this may not be enough to meet the requirements and we may still be rejected. Our agency reports that this is only the TRC that is imposing these guidelines but she suspects the DSDW will follow suit.
It really hurts to have gone all this way only to be rejected now. What hurts the most is the rejection will come because of a parenting itentity I am most proud of, I will be denied because I am a preferential adopter.
I never believed that my choice could possibly prevent another parent their own chance to have a child. I know this is a fear other parents express and it just did not seem valid to me, it's not like there are a finite number of children who need homes, a number that will one day run out. But it seems Thailand agrees they are more worthy of a child then we are, and I wish to whole hardheartedly disagree.
But I do not get a chance to plead my case or show my worth, that hurts the most, that I will not be seen as a valid (enough) parent for the daughter I already love.
I have been reassured that we can change programs, but I refuse to do so until all options are exhausted and we hit the wall.
Dear Thailand, it is your daughter I promised to love for as long as I shall live. It is your daughter who is in my dreams and in my heart. Thailand I do not just want any baby, we pledged to raise your baby girl and I don't want another, not even if she comes from my own flesh because I love her, my Thai daughter. Shouldn't that count for something?

Self Googling. Spiritualy and Litteraly.

2010-08-11T08:52:00.001-04:00

So I googled "preferential adopter" just to see what I would find. Hoping to find allies and comrades. I am not too sure why this has become important to me, but I feel a bit like a teen needing to find a label and a community for my identity, plus work is less then challenging currently and I am looking for mental nourishment. So when you google "preferential adopter" you will get 29 pages, and apparently I make up 3 of those hits with this blog and other forum comments I have left. Me and my posts are 10% of all talk on this topic on ALL of the internet! Poo. I did not want to find my self. Maybe you guys are calling your self something else, is my terminology just not the real term? I did find this online shop that I thought was really great, and considered contacting the shop to see if they ever thought of uniting their customer base into a community.
I am dying to know how many people bought the "first choice" thongs!!! They are now top of my birthday wish list.
Thankfully I did come across a few other blogs that I now plan to follow, so the search was not fruitless. But really disappointing over all. That plus a comment from another blogger bud lead me to believe that it may be time to open up the comments section. I mean with this post now heading out into cyberspace I will now be 13% of all hits, and with the amount of times I have used the words in this post I may even be the top hit. I better give other searchers a way to communicate with me so we can build on our meager but mighty community.
I am really shy about the comments function, I have issues about being picked on and ostracized, but those issues never out weigh my tendency to speak my mind. I am controversial by nature not by desire. My greatest hope is that the comments section will not cause me to self edit and second guess and that it will create interesting dialogue and greater connection with in this community. The community is after all the founding reason for this blog. Blogs have been my adoption guiding light, they are my go to resource for real life parenting, inspiration, food for thought, and cutting edge pulse of the real wait lines and challenges in our program. I need to pay it forward for all the other waiting moms (and dads)trolling for any news they can get.
On that note I thought I would share a message I got from our agency.

This week I connected with the DSDW and was able to get a bit of an update. Right now they think that the timelines to referral could continue to take longer than 2 years. Their international adoption program continues to be small and they don’t have as many children available for placement as other countries do. To reassure you, this has always been the case, but the difference now is that they have so many applications from families which has resulted in an increased timeline. They are hopeful that the timelines will decrease which is the big reason for them taking this year off. They will also be implementing a quota for every agency moving forward; this is nothing new for us as we have always had a quota with them.

In the past the timeline for the TRCCH was approximately 18 mths. We need to be prepared that their timeline could also increase as they too have many applications.

I know that waiting is very difficult. Try to connect with other waiting families as you can be a great support to each other!

This is hard news to hear and visions of the deterioration of the China, Ethiopia and Nepal programs haunt me daily. What if....
Never mind that is a totally different post... Stay tuned.

Copy and Paste - Just wanted to share

2010-08-04T13:43:00.001-04:00

10 Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents
Especially in front of their kids.
by Tracy Hahn-Burkett

Author Tracy Hahn-Burkett has a four-year-old daughter adopted from Korea and a seven-year-old biological son. Whether well-intentioned, curious or inappropriate, Hahn-Burkett has had many a question lobbied in her direction regarding her daughter and their family make-up. Hahn-Burkett offers you, the curious, some advice before you speak. Along with ten questions one should not ask an adoptive parent, she gives her blunt responses.

*
Is it difficult to love a child who isn’t your own?

My children are my own — both of them. Yes, I know what you mean. And I repeat: both of my children are "my own."

*
I could never love someone who doesn’t share my biology.

I’m sorry your heart is so limited. And presumably your spouse doesn’t share your biology, so I’m sorry for him or her, too.
*
She/he’s so lucky.

If there are adoptive parents who haven’t heard this one, I don’t know them. Yes, my adopted child is lucky, just like her brother who was born to me — just like any kid blessed with a good family. Moreover, my husband and I are lucky to have her as a daughter. My daughter is not lucky, however, by virtue of having been adopted or because she’s been adopted by an American family. Her life story will always be one that begins with wrenching loss of family, country, language, culture and all things related to the place and people from whence she came. She will have to figure out how to incorporate all of this into her identity at some point, no matter how much we love her.

*
That’s great you’re adopting;
it’s so much easier than having the child yourself.

Clearly, you have never adopted a child. What, exactly, is easy about it? Is it the hundreds of questions prospective adoptive parents have to answer along the path to adoption, questions that go to the heart of what kind of people they are and dissect every aspect of their lives? Is it committing to a lifetime of knowing that at anytime from toddlerhood through adulthood, your child may come to you with wrenching questions about his or her origins and your answers may be unsatisfactory? Is it knowing that the very fact that your child is yours means that somewhere a woman will probably grieve every day of her life for the child she could not raise? Is it missing the early months, sometimes years, of your child’s life? Is it telling your child when he or she asks to see baby pictures, "Sorry, I don’t have any"? I could go on, but you get the point.

*
She’s so adorable; she’s just like a little China doll!

Yes, thank you, I think she’s cute, too. But she is not Chinese and she’s a human being, so please don’t characterize her as an inanimate stereotype. And if you’re going to gush and coo over her, please consider that blond-haired, blue-eyed boy standing right next to her. He’s my kid, too. He’s pretty cute, too. And he can hear you.

*
Her "real" mother was probably a prostitute.

I’m her "real" mother, and so far as I can recall, I have never been a prostitute.

*
What kind of a person would give up such a beautiful, sweet child? (This comment is often accompanied by a clucking of the tongue.)

In general, the kind of person whose options are limited in ways you have never even had to imagine. Birthmothers are not bad, immoral people. Very few, if any, birthmothers who relinquish their children do so lightly. For most, it is a searing, heartbreaking decision that will haunt them forever. Also, please understand that when you say things about my child’s birthmother, you are commenting about the woman who gave my daughter life and whose genes remain an inseparable part of her — forever.

*
People who adopt children from other countries just don’t want black babies, or People who adopt children from other countries just want an "exotic" child, or People who adopt children from other countries are shirking their responsibility to adopt at home.

Very few parents who choose international adoption do so because they don’t like "dark" kids or because they want an "exotic" child. The systems of international and domestic adoption differ in fundamental ways, and most parents who choose to adopt educate themselves thoroughly and then pick the program that is best for them.

*
Anything in Chinese addressed to the Asian adopted child.

This happened to me when my daughter was a year old. A woman in an elevator said something to my daughter in Chinese, and by the time I figured out what had just taken place, the woman was gone (thereby robbing me of my opportunity to deliver any sort of snarky reply). My daughter is American, has lived in this country since infancy, and the language she understands is English. Why would you assume anything else?

*
How much did she cost?

Another one we’ve all heard, generally more than once. But my child is not a melon; I did not pick her up at the store. She cost me nothing. I did, however, spend quite a bit on adoption fees to support the process and travel costs, just as I spent quite a bit on medical care, etc., in conjunction with the conception and birth of my biological son. If you truly want to learn more about the financial aspect of either process, I will be happy to discuss that with you. If you’re only interested in knowing in order to pass judgment, it’s none of your business.

She is my Daughter not a budget line....

2010-07-29T16:48:00.002-04:00

It is hard sometimes to have to defend our family. I know adopting means that I sign up to be an educator and advocate to every person, well meaning or ill intentioned, I have to set the record straight. I don't blame them for not understanding, I never see media pieces that accurately display adoption in all of it's complexities. I guess it is up to the APs to lead the cause, because that responsibility should not have to lie on the shoulders of the birth family or the children, so that leaves us.
I sometimes feel that being a preferential adopter makes the critics feel freer to tell me what they really think. I am not some emotionally delicate person who is adopting because there was no other option, so there is no guilt involved in telling me how wrong we are for choosing adoption.
I am not saying that I can't take it. Bring it. Really, bring it. I can take it, in fact this ability is one of the reasons I knew I would be a good AP. I just pity the fool who tries to diss our family in front of my children, get ready for mama bear.
Ultimately though I know I can not fight my way through this each time. I will have to learn some diplomacy. And some short answers as well, currently well intentioned but curious folk get a 15 minute lecture. I am not sure how to keep it concise but still get the message across. Sigh, I will just add this to the reading list.

Speaking of reading lists, I am plowing through some good adoption books lately. I have 2 hours on the train every day now so I am reading more then I have in a long time. Forever Lily was a great memoir about a China adoption. And I am currently in the middle of Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child, it really clicks with my parenting style, I think I finally found a book addressing attachment that makes sense to me and seems really easy and usable. I will do a real review of the book once I am done. With so much reading, Elora is never far from my mind and I miss her in a way I never thought possible, since she is still to the best of my knowledge just particles in space. All of a sudden 2013 seems like an eternity from now and way too far away.

Also muddling around in my head if we should take Em with us to Thailand or leave him home with my mom. Thought I had my mind made up but now I am not sure. Will need to save for another airfare, so I should not leave the choice to the last minute, although I have no idea how my 4 year old would do on an international flight.

Returning to work

2010-07-16T09:15:00.001-04:00

I am ending my year long maternity leave and now must go back to work and leave my son at day care. Tear...tear. It is very hard on me, I just don't want to be apart from him. Every job but the job of motherhood seems trivial to me. But the bills gotta be paid, so hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go.
I wanted to print off some photos to remind me what I am working towards. There are some very special adoption bills that are being payed with my new pay check. So I made this photo to frame and take to work along with some great photos of my son. Sadly when I am at work I am apart from both my babies, but I just keep humming the song 1000 oceans and gazing at their photos... Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize.

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home