11:52 AM

Forgivness - Step one

I was angry with Elora's first mom.  I want to clarify that anger is not hate.  I just was angry, I never lost sight of her or wanting her in our life either symbolical or actually.  I struggle with my feelings, as I am sure my daughter will some day too.  I got a great tip from a friend who has been there and done that and more when it comes to birth parents.  She told me out right to stop making so many assumptions.
You can see documented here any in my life my journey to Elora.  However Elora's journey to us has more questions than answers.  This is just how China adoption is right now.  I realize now that I was trying to fill those holes with my imagination and assumptions.  Simply because not knowing is very hard.  It is painful to have to tell doctors, friends, family, I don't know.  It feels embarrassing for me, as her mother, to not know critical things about my daughter.  I feel like every time I say "I don't know", that a silent judgment happens between me and the one who asked, or sometimes they just seem to not believe that there is so very much that I do not know, so they ask me again in a slightly different way and I still have to say, "I don't know".  I feel like saying, "...but I wish I did." I have to get better at living with not knowing.  Elora will ask me a thousand questions that I will not know the answer to.  I understand how "I don't know" will never be a good enough answer for her but it gives me some solace to be able to also say, "I will help you look for the answers".
I have come to accept that I really do not know, and it has helped me to forgive her first family.  There are a million possibilities for a million moments and choices that brought my baby girl into my arms to grow and blossom.  I don't know if there is anything at all for me to be angry at them for, because I just don't know anything about her time before us. 
She is just an angel baby these past few weeks.  A joy, a bundle of snuggles, smiles, discovery.  She is walking like a pro now, climbing stairs and play sets, it nearly impossible to believe that she has any visual impairment, I have never once seen any evidence of it.  She is fully embedded deep in my heart.  The child I waited so long for, who I loved for years before she was even born, finally home in my arms and life could not be sweeter.  Living the sweet life has also helped me to forgive.  It is entirely selfish but I love her so fiercely that I don't care as much about what brought her here, I only care that she is here and she is mine.  I am just so thankful for her.  I would never have been complete without her.  I feel pity for any one who does not know her, because she is just a powerful, inspirational gift to every one she touches.  I am so lucky she is mine and I get to be her mom.

2 comments:

Theresa Self said...

happy to hear Elora is doing so well. I would love to talk to you someday about our children and how we can find out more information on their bio parents. For now we can love and cherish them enjoying their sweetness and how fortunate we are to have them in our lives.

Sylvia said...

Hi Teresa, I can not seem to find a way on here to email you and if I ever had your email I lost it. Drop me a line at angelika22@hotmail.com and I will bring you up to speed with our search so far. I connected with some other searching families and have made the first baby steps towards finding out more. Nothing much to blog about, but I would be happy to share with you what I know so far.