10:08 PM

unexpected anger

I am mad at you.  You are her mother, how did you do this to her.  You hurt her in a way I may never be able to heal.  She remembers when you left her, I see it in her every day.  It's your fault she learned not to trust parents.  You taught her what hunger is so that now she never believes me when I tell her more food will come.

Did you know as soon as she could articulate it she cried for you, asked for you.  Mama she says over and over and over and over to any one who will listen.  But it's not me who is the mama she cries for, not yet any ways.  She misses you in such a primal way.  It breaks my heart because I love her and she is hurting so bad and you set into motion this hurt. 

I need hear your story, although I am not sure how it will ever convince me.  Yes, you gave me this gift, but first the gift was given to you and you did not value it enough.  She deserves to have you, she deserves to be loved by you, adored by you, protected by you.  I know you think you did not have any choice, but right now it feels like you should have tried harder, done more.  Why didn't you do more, we both want to know!  I am trying to look at this through your lens, before she was mine I could step back and have empathy, have compassion.  From the time I first heard her cry in those first minutes in my arms it changed.  Didn't you hear that same cry as you walked away.  Our little tiger cub yowling for you, like only she can, how did you do it?  I heard her crying an ocean away every night in my dreams, do you hear her now too? 

We are going to look for you, will you let us find you?  Are you ashamed, do you have regrets, will you put them all aside to let her know you?  Because you owe it to her, because you will show her you care by being there now, even though you failed her before.  Can you teach her now what it means to make amends?  I will learn to forgive you.  I will teach her to forgive you too.  Together we have a hope of making our girl whole again, I can't do this with out your help.  Together we can give her the world, the love, the confidence and the faith she needs to thrive.... if we could find you. 

Right now I am too angry to start looking, although I know I should.  We did little things but it feels like nothing more then a message in a bottle sent into a vast ocean.  Time is ticking, clues can be vanishing right now, but I am just too mad.  This is a big thing I need to do, big in every way.  It's asking a lot of me, right now, as her mother, to start this, what I know needs to be done now, what I know will help us all, what I am committed to do, but I am just too mad.

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