5:29 PM


Somewhere at some point in this journey, this wait, I changed. On a fundamental, cellular, massive level I changed. But I guess I didn't know I was changing, until just now when I looked back and saw how different I am. I used to be so angry, I used to be so closed, I used to be defensive and judgmental. Along the way maybe first I started to not like those things in others, and then they also somehow started to melt away from me.
I have always welcomed adversity, I believe strongly that it has made in me the qualities I admire most in my self. I wanted my parenting experience to be full of adversity, and I wanted that for my husband and my children too. I know that makes me wierd, that I don't feel like my children should only ever have sunshine and lollipops. But I guess you just don't really get it until you have seen your own strength and the power that can have on your whole existence. You never want it when you are in it, but after it can be so rewarding.
So I am just realizing now that the wait is one of these rewarding adversaries that I value. I am so impressed with the transformation it has brought me.
The best part is that I know this is just the beginning of my transformation. There is so much more now that I know I want and that I know I can do and I feel like I am just beginning to understand what is TRULY important, and every other thing is just melting away.

I am no super hero, I still ache every minute of every day for my daughter. Nothing is soothing my pain and I do not expect any thing will ever, but I know that I am learning and growing and that in of its self is cause for awe, pride and respect.