4:14 PM

My Match Plan

So when you are in your second trimester you get asked by everyone around you what your birth plan is. Are you going to do a water birth, are you going to film it, who do you want around you, what music will play? That and so many more questions get you thinking about what exactly you want that moment to be like and what tools you are going to use to help you survive it.
When Squeaker was born I had the best birth plan and it was executed like a perfect symphony. It took major temper tantrums on my part but I actually got to have the perfectly controlled birth I always wanted (scheduled section), including an ipod play list for the occasion.
So I have been thinking what would make my match moment perfect, how do I want it to play out? I am just thinking that getting "the call" at work maybe nearly as embarrassing as having my water break in the board room. I think I am going to be a blubbering mess with a pinch of a chicken sans head, not pretty. I know some of you have the amazing restraint and calmness to only look at your referral together as a family while you are filming the moment for your future blog post. I bow down to you! I am not sure if I am even going to be able to wait to be with my husband. So here is how I see it going down...
My Match Plan
The call comes to my phone, I am at work
1. Run screaming to the empty cubicle while on cellphone
2. Call the hubby on the landline, chances that hubby will actually answer his phone 50/50, if not available repeat call but proceed to step 3.
3. Log into email
4. Hope hubby got email too, no way I can forward it with out looking
5. SEE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Blubber
7. Ask to leave work. Try to keep blubber to a minimum until I get home.
8. Try not to call every one in the world and post photo every where until doctor evaluation.
9. Email Dr.
10. Wait.
11. Wait.
12. Okay, tell a few people.
13. Wait.
14. Okay, just tell one more person...
15. Hubby better have called me back by now, if not, drive to his work and hunt him down.
16. Write LOI
17. Pick Squeaker up from Daycare (oops)
18. Tell the world, she's coming home!!

What was your match plan? Did it go like you expected?
I know I am crazy to think I can plan any of this. Just shush you, I need to plan, I need to control, even if none of it comes to any thing. Do you really think I can just sit here and wait?! Please let it be this month, oh please oh please oh please.

You know I have read time and time again that parents say, of course it could not have been any earlier, now that we have our precious child we know, it could not have been any earlier because this was the only child for us and she was only ready when we got her. I am so torn when I think of this, and the whole matching process. What a beautiful complicated mystery. That is my baby and she will come to be mine by 95% luck of the draw, 5% judgment of my agency director. I have more control over so many more insignificant things, but this this massively important life altering step is pretty much a lottery. You would never choose a husband this way, and yet this is how I will get a life partner (of sorts). I guess it is similar to birth, but you just have this false veil that leads you to believe that you know the child that is coming, and you never ask these questions to your self. You can never wonder what if because it just is. Mostly for my match day I just hope that I see her and know. I just want to know that is her. My girl. And that is so silly because I warn every expecting mom that the movie moment may not be what you get in the delivery room. You may look at your bundle of joy and think any number of strange things. For example I thought, okay, sure I will take that one, really I will take any one at this point, I just want to go home with a baby. I did not know Squeaker at all, did not feel like he was even mine. But for some reason, even with all my been there done that wisdom, I still just really hope I see her and know. And I am scared of what might happen if I feel doubt, even though I think that must only be natural.
So thinking more on the luck. That part is unchangeable that means that my agency is EVERYTHING when it comes to choosing our girl. What an incredibly stressful and beautiful job that must be to bring families and babies together. I feel like I will owe him so much on like a karmic level. But in the end will it come down to any thing more then luck? My mind wanders the philosophical mazes of this process over and over again. Bringing to light what my beliefs are and what impact my romanticism of the process means for my daughters story and how she will interpret it.
So much to think about.
Day dreaming fiercely.

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