4:26 PM

We'll see how brave you are -oh yes

Show me the things that I've been missin'
Show me the ways I forgot to be speaking
Show me the ways to get back to the garden

Show me the ways to get around the get around
Show me the ways to button up
Buttons That have forgotten they're buttons

I heard a rumor, not a rumor I have never heard before, but for some reason, maybe the frequency, maybe reliability of the source has led this rumor to sink into my bones.

Rumor has it that China’s waiting child program is taking around 2 years from LID (log in date) for a girl now.
Friends for me that means Spring 2013, another 20 months. I want to say this is longer than I was prepared for, but to be honest at one point that is where we were headed and we were comfortable with that wait. Then at one point, I guess when we stared the home study last summer, it all seemed real and much faster. Combine the expectation of a shorter wait and a heavy dose of baby fever and here I am desperate for a match, dreading the 3 month wait I have convinced myself, beyond reason, that it will be.

So how brave can I be? How can I manage this wait with grace? Currently I am practicing the ostrich in the sand approach… Pretty low on the scale of bravery. The only path to bravery I can see is if I had a real time line, if it is really going to be 20 more months just tell me now so I can leave this purgatory. Tell me so that I can stop believing that my daughter is on this earth waiting for me, needing me. Let me go back to wishing on particles in space.
This is of course impossible. Now that we are LID there is always a chance, always a “what if” factor, no matter how slim. This chance may be so slim that others can put it out of their mind. But there are these stories (urban myths) that fill my head, stories about when you least expect it, *poouf*, a referral is on your door step. Just like Mrs. Elephant and the stork delivery in Dumbo. Don’t despair the mothers on the other side tell the mothers still waiting. We have these grains of hope, month after month.

Maybe the bravest thing is to turn off the internet, stop reading blogs and rumor queens and her court of informed subjects. But I have been watching this whole international adoption thing for too long. I know the people know more as a collective then the professionals do. The all the rumors are not always right, but the bad rumors are never wrong. So that bravery of disconnecting is really just extreme ostirching.

I will be as brave as I can by simply being stead fast in my convictions that our time is coming, when, I do not know, but that it will come. I will not take an easier path, I will not question our choices, nor will I allow others to do so. I will just wait for her, because it is the least that I can do. I am her mother after all, and I would do anything for her. All they are asking me to do is wait, not so much to ask, when you think of all they are asking of her.