10:29 AM

I am no saint

I fully admit that our adoption is 99% selfish. Pregnancy and I will never meet again if I have anything to say about it (go ahead and call me any prissy name you like, I have heard it all). What could be more selfish then that. I, a woman, of a developed nation wishing to skip the most human experience a woman can have in favor of mothering a child already born. A child who came to this world through a mother who did what I cannot bear to do, and in the end did not even get any of the benefits of mothering this child into the world. If this is not the epitome of injustice, for that mother, then I don’t know what is.
If you are a frequent reader then you know I am a self proclaimed warrior against injustice.
So here is where it all gets a bit muddy. It is not fair that my daughter’s mother had to make the choice that she did. It is also not fair that my daughter has now had the start in life that she has. We can debate which is more unfair. We can advocate for change in systems and support to prevent this from happening in the future. But ultimately I am powerless to make the changes that are required to keep families united. This feeling of powerlessness will not stop us from trying. And some day change may come. But it will never come soon enough for my daughter.
Saving orphans. No other statement sets me more on edge then that one. I think because of all that it implies, mission work, superiority, single mindedness and the impacts of these attitudes on the children involved.
Now the flip side of that coin is the over whelming urge I have to save my daughter, as her mother, to rescue her, to shelter her from any harm. I am all consumed with the need to wrap her in safety and comfort.
The complexities of saving are so much clearer to me recently. It is not as black and white as I thought. And I am a bit surprised that I am so intent on saving my girl. Saving her??? Really??? What if the way to save her was to find her first family and support them in raising her, rather than raise her myself? Would I still feel the need to save her, if I knew that she was not really mine, not forever? Most likely not.
So I am 1% savior 99% vain princess but I am 100% protective mama bear, no one is messing with my cubs. That is the plain truth. So I cringe when people put me on a pedestal. I resist even saying that our child will be special needs, because then most people say “good for you, I could never do that”. Let me just say once and for all that yes you could, you just don’t know it yet. And although I think we are amazing parents (and so does Ontario and China, according our certification!)
I am no saint.