4:26 PM

We'll see how brave you are -oh yes

Show me the things that I've been missin'
Show me the ways I forgot to be speaking
Show me the ways to get back to the garden

Show me the ways to get around the get around
Show me the ways to button up
Buttons That have forgotten they're buttons

I heard a rumor, not a rumor I have never heard before, but for some reason, maybe the frequency, maybe reliability of the source has led this rumor to sink into my bones.

Rumor has it that China’s waiting child program is taking around 2 years from LID (log in date) for a girl now.
Friends for me that means Spring 2013, another 20 months. I want to say this is longer than I was prepared for, but to be honest at one point that is where we were headed and we were comfortable with that wait. Then at one point, I guess when we stared the home study last summer, it all seemed real and much faster. Combine the expectation of a shorter wait and a heavy dose of baby fever and here I am desperate for a match, dreading the 3 month wait I have convinced myself, beyond reason, that it will be.

So how brave can I be? How can I manage this wait with grace? Currently I am practicing the ostrich in the sand approach… Pretty low on the scale of bravery. The only path to bravery I can see is if I had a real time line, if it is really going to be 20 more months just tell me now so I can leave this purgatory. Tell me so that I can stop believing that my daughter is on this earth waiting for me, needing me. Let me go back to wishing on particles in space.
This is of course impossible. Now that we are LID there is always a chance, always a “what if” factor, no matter how slim. This chance may be so slim that others can put it out of their mind. But there are these stories (urban myths) that fill my head, stories about when you least expect it, *poouf*, a referral is on your door step. Just like Mrs. Elephant and the stork delivery in Dumbo. Don’t despair the mothers on the other side tell the mothers still waiting. We have these grains of hope, month after month.

Maybe the bravest thing is to turn off the internet, stop reading blogs and rumor queens and her court of informed subjects. But I have been watching this whole international adoption thing for too long. I know the people know more as a collective then the professionals do. The all the rumors are not always right, but the bad rumors are never wrong. So that bravery of disconnecting is really just extreme ostirching.

I will be as brave as I can by simply being stead fast in my convictions that our time is coming, when, I do not know, but that it will come. I will not take an easier path, I will not question our choices, nor will I allow others to do so. I will just wait for her, because it is the least that I can do. I am her mother after all, and I would do anything for her. All they are asking me to do is wait, not so much to ask, when you think of all they are asking of her.

10:29 AM

I am no saint

I fully admit that our adoption is 99% selfish. Pregnancy and I will never meet again if I have anything to say about it (go ahead and call me any prissy name you like, I have heard it all). What could be more selfish then that. I, a woman, of a developed nation wishing to skip the most human experience a woman can have in favor of mothering a child already born. A child who came to this world through a mother who did what I cannot bear to do, and in the end did not even get any of the benefits of mothering this child into the world. If this is not the epitome of injustice, for that mother, then I don’t know what is.
If you are a frequent reader then you know I am a self proclaimed warrior against injustice.
So here is where it all gets a bit muddy. It is not fair that my daughter’s mother had to make the choice that she did. It is also not fair that my daughter has now had the start in life that she has. We can debate which is more unfair. We can advocate for change in systems and support to prevent this from happening in the future. But ultimately I am powerless to make the changes that are required to keep families united. This feeling of powerlessness will not stop us from trying. And some day change may come. But it will never come soon enough for my daughter.
Saving orphans. No other statement sets me more on edge then that one. I think because of all that it implies, mission work, superiority, single mindedness and the impacts of these attitudes on the children involved.
Now the flip side of that coin is the over whelming urge I have to save my daughter, as her mother, to rescue her, to shelter her from any harm. I am all consumed with the need to wrap her in safety and comfort.
The complexities of saving are so much clearer to me recently. It is not as black and white as I thought. And I am a bit surprised that I am so intent on saving my girl. Saving her??? Really??? What if the way to save her was to find her first family and support them in raising her, rather than raise her myself? Would I still feel the need to save her, if I knew that she was not really mine, not forever? Most likely not.
So I am 1% savior 99% vain princess but I am 100% protective mama bear, no one is messing with my cubs. That is the plain truth. So I cringe when people put me on a pedestal. I resist even saying that our child will be special needs, because then most people say “good for you, I could never do that”. Let me just say once and for all that yes you could, you just don’t know it yet. And although I think we are amazing parents (and so does Ontario and China, according our certification!)
I am no saint.