3:53 PM

Deep thoughts

There have been some big conversations in the blogging/adoption world and I have really wanted to chime in, but I am not finding much time for blogging. I know I could be working on my blog instead of obsessively checking for new rumors, or obsessively calculating how long till the next match day and then all the what if’s that follow after, such as will she fit the hand-me downs we have, will I potty train squeeker before her referral?
Okay, Okay Okay enough, of that. We already did a post about my adoption OCD and my irrational fantasies.
Two things have happened recently that really affected me.
The first being the very sad death of baby Esther, who was waiting in China for her mom and dad to pick her up, when she died. This is of course every parent’s worst nightmare, but it has also scared the begeezus out of me. I just cannot imagine how hard that must be. I know a tiny bit about grieving for a daughter that you have never even touched, I know that the rest of the world may not really understand the pain that this death caused her parents, simply because the world does not really understand adoption. This story is so scary and hits to the very core of all of our fears. To see that precious girl and family torn apart just makes me so angry too. I wish that the wait times, after referral were faster, more like the NSN time lines. I just wish that there was a precedent for expediting children who are known to be medically fragile. I feel so helpless, the system is really flawed, and I am about to put my heart into it, and I realize that that system cannot be counted on to protect me or my daughter.
Secondly, there has been a great buzz about searching for birthparents in China. We have weighed all the options, and we have decided to search, and to begin searching as soon as we are matched. I know that this is controversial, but we feel it is in the best interest of both families and our daughter. Only time will tell if we are successful and how this impacts our family, but we are sure that we must act, and that we must act now.
I have just finished reading “Message from and Unknown Mother”. I feel the book has prepared me to be ready to hear many different scenarios for our child’s relinquishment. To my surprise there is much more at play than simply the one child policy, including substantiated claims of abduction. Part of searching really also calls on us as parents to be ready to accept the role we play. There is a cause and effect element, and we are now a part of a supply and demand chain of events. I am still unsettled by this reality, but I feel searching will help us to close the wounds for everyone involved.

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