12:04 PM

Waiting - the most popular blog title in the adoption world

The wait has been weighing heavily on me recently. Around the time we got our LID we also got word from our agency not to expect (not to even a hope) a referral before September, and sounds like more likely we will get a referral in time for Christmas. I guess at some point I had this very realistic time line in my head, but then I began the what ifs. You see technically now that we are LID we could have a referral at any time by China’s rules, but Ontario’s 18 month separation between children is what is keeping that precious call from coming. Elora needs to be born in 2011, so the youngest she could be right now is 5 months old, and 5 month olds don’t show up in the special needs line. They do sometimes show up in the non special needs line, and that is what led to the beginning of the what ifs and the day dreams and then somehow along the way my mind forgot how unlikely this scenario was, and my mind let its self believe that it really could happen any day now, because China approved us, and I could use a little miracle.

The flip side of this is knowing that my baby girl who ever she ends up being, is not spending her time with me. No one can seem to give me a good answer as to why the special needs line up generally has older children, but she will wait longer for her family for whatever reason.
So things are just tinged with a bit of sadness. It is kind of like I have my baby in a day care that I don’t like, and I can’t get her transferred. I just sit with an unease that never really leaves me, because I know I am apart from my baby girl. Things remind me of her all day every day. One could say I am a bit obsessive. I just don’t know how to not care. I don’t know how to find comfort, not now. Now I know she is in this world, and she is not with me. I can swear I can feel her tugging at me, I can feel her needing me.

Maybe it is just the feeling of me needing her.

The other part of the wait that is driving me batty is the inability to plan anything or control anything. We have no idea when the call could come, sure some months are more likely than others, but really again it could be any day. I would like to plan a vacation. I would like to know how many Halloween outfits to plan (see there I am again fooling myself into thinking that would even be possible). You get the idea though, we are living in limbo. The lack of “due date” for this baby can really aggravate a planner like me.

I would also like to not have to count each penny. Saving and sacrificing for her has been easier than I thought it would be for this shopaholic. Really when you look at it very few things become worth it to me, my daughter wins my pennies hands down every time. But I still would like to be able to do fun things again. Some times when we do spend money to do something special as a family, if it does not end up being the perfect experience, I regret having used Elora’s money on it.

I wish I could start her nursery, or some other type of nesting. It would just help me to feel like I was moving forward instead of remaining in limbo. I am saving all these things until we get the referral though because I am so sure that those 4 months we will wait to travel need to be packed full of nesting to the extreme if I am ever going to survive those months. I know that people are going to have to chain me down to avoid me flying to China on my own and setting up a tent in front of her orphanage. The other thing I am counting on to keep me grounded is how much I am going to miss Squeaker while we are traveling.

Oh Squeaker, we are heading into the terrible twos with him already, we have hourly temper tantrums. Any chance they will have passed by the time Elora comes home? How long do they really last? I wonder what the wait will mean for him as well. As each month passes he is older and more able to understand the concept of a sister. But this may not work in our favor as each month passes he is also more accustomed to being the only child and only grandchild. This is a great experience though, watching my “normally developing child” struggle, fight and test us. I am very grateful that I am entering into this adoption as an “experienced” parent. It was not in my original plan, but I am very glad it has worked out that way.

I know one day the wait will seem distant and doable and “worth it”. That is what they tell me. I know that I have it easier than most. I have my boy to brighten each day. But I never knew I could love her so much already. I think that is an important part of this process, I am so in love with her, I have all this time to build up my love, so that I can just swallow all her hurt, I can let all of her deflecting bounce off of my love, a love that is already so secure for her. I am bonded to her deeply, so we can just work with her helping her to find a connection with us.

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