3:00 PM

What about after?

I have been thinking a lot about what I will do with my self once Elora is home. I don't like to admit how much of my day is spent thinking and planning about her. I am sure every other waiting mother totally understands, but if you have not been through this you may think I am a nut. I plan, I prepare, I envision, I day dream, I read about others, I read text books, I read fiction books, I watch documentaries, I watch gotcha days on youtube. I think about all the big life changes like preparing for a special need and the little life changes like how to drive a double stroller - or even if I should double stroller at all. I have been planning for Elora for at least 5 years seriously and 1.5 years officially. I think I will be at a bit of a loss when all the planning ends. Some parts of that sound like heaven, like knowing when I can take a vacation again and finally answering that troubling double stroller question. Other parts I think may leave me a bit vacant. Part of this, is that I feel right now, that I want more than two children. But our plan is that Elora is the last. Every little miracle that children bring you, the ones I have with Elora will be my last ones. There will be no other little miracles growing up behind her. It just seems profoundly sad. I never thought I would feel this way, I was so sure that two was plenty and perfect. I honestly feel though as if I may never want to stop. I used to laugh at the likes of Brangelina when they said they wanted enough for a soccer team. I get that. I love every stage that my son has been in. But every day I long for a baby in my arms. Every new stage brought rejoicing and a deeper connection between us, but it also brought deep yearning for the stages left behind. I wish I did not feel this way, I wish that two really was enough. I am starting to think I will just live with this need for the rest of my life. I would push and pinch and barging and save if I really believed that a third would bring an end to this deep longing. I am so sure that it would endure, so I think it's best not to even open that can of worms. Motherhood has changed me in ways I never would have predicted, and strengthened me and my relationships in ways that I thought would crumble under the pressure. I am so thankfully for motherhood. But I might be addicted to it. ------- On a totally unrelated note, I saw a little girl on the New Day foster home web site, she was in our approved age range, and need. Her name is Ella, the nickname I use for Elora. I am not the type to believe in signs or divinity, but I do think that adoption can be mystical. Like when you find your soul mate, there is some fate and magic involved. So I am just saying, that this little one jumped off the screen at me, I just want to record it and time stamp it, so there is no question later when I call it mothers intuition.

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