8:51 AM

Dream Girl

I had a very vivid dream of Elora and our trip to China last night. This time for the first time I saw the face of my baby. The dream opens on the day before Gotcha day. We are visiting an orphanage to volunteer. While we are there I become smitten with a little girl with navy blue eyes and strawberry creme colored hair. She is 14 months old and born on October 14th. For some reason we are allowed to take her back to our hotel room for 72 hours and then make a decision about adopting her, I think instead of the child who we were referred. I spend time with the little bitty girl staring into her eyes and watching her army crawl around the room. And then I wake up.
I once heard a saying that there is nothing more boring then some one else's dreams. Typically I keep this in mind and don't share my dreams with others, and would not be blogging them either if this blog was not serving dual duty as my journal and experience log.
That being said I think there is some key things in my dream that my subconscious mind is processing. The first being those 72 hours between the call and the acceptance of the referral. I can not imagine the stress I am going to feel, the questioning, the anxiety, the love, the fear all rolled into one. I am dreading those hours. Also I have a feeling about the number 14. Haha I sound like a Gypsy at the fall fair gazing into a cryptic and vague crystal ball. I am just saying it now so that I can claim supper powered mothers intuition when (if) such a number comes to have any relevance at all. Thirdly, I am clearly drawn to the special need of Albinism, and wish that one way or another that I could reach out to these children in particular, who seem to wait so very much longer. Although a referral for any need on our list would be just great, I feel my heart strings tugged by the faces of these children. Maybe because there need is so visible, I spot them on the lists first. It is crazy, but I feel like I may not be done with just 2 children, and I would love to adopt again. Time will tell how I feel once I have 2 toddlers.... and I see no way to facilitate another adoption financially. But.... if there were no boundaries, I would love to try again, maybe specifically for a child with albinism.

3:28 PM

Just a song running through my head, today, on match day

You aren't in sight
Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
With the scenery flying by
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing me by
Or am I standing still?

10:58 AM

January At Last

You may have been born. You may no longer be particles in space. I may now be sending all my loving to a real girl. You and your mama are now in a world of pain. Because of that it is hard to celebrate that you are out in this big bad world. Hopefully you are not alone. I hope some one is cradling you, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. I hope you are warm.

Next year we will celebrate. Next year will be so different than this year. 2011 will not be kind to you, but we are all commited to making every other year work twice as hard to make it up for this one year. This one year that really was not fair to you. This one year that made every day a struggle for survival. This one year that will change everything you are and would be. This year that will never stop testing your resiliency.

Hang on my little one. We are going to find one another, we are going to get through this together. Forever.

6:59 PM

the year in review

1.What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

I went on a diet.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year's resolution was to maintain a work, life balance, that includes time with my single ladies (shout out to Jen) and working out.

I have pretty much done that, less working out since the cold weather hit, and my life could still use more Jen. But not a bad attempt. I really do excel now at leaving work at work and letting most things, even things that are of Seindfeldian ridiculousness, roll off my back like water off a duck.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sarah! Little Scarlett join us early in 2010 and now we all can't believe it has almost been a year already.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


5. What countries did you visit?

We were in NY to visit my mountains and to Buffalo for some pretty epic shopping. I could write a manual on how to cross border shop in that town.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Just more time. Time the one thing more valuable than any thing (the lesson we learn in Money Never Sleeps) and what our grandparents have been trying to tell us since we were born. I feel it now very acutely. Hopefully reducing my daily commute by 75% this new year will also help me to have more time.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

That would be my "Toto we are not in Kansas any more" moment at work. Ask me about it, it will blow your mind.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Returning to work, exiting work and the rare day I got 3 square meals into Emery and neither of us cried.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I was too trusting, I believed that some people were looking out for my best interests and it turned out that the opposite was true.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Is teething an illness? Haha. In all seriousness though I was prepped for a lot of illness this year, now that Emery is interacting daily with snotty children, but we have been really lucky. The teething only lasted 2 days as well. I know. You can hate me now.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Well I bought a scrapbook letter making machine that I hope is the best thing ever! ... but it has not been delivered yet. I guess I will have to say... our HD antenna.

Jeremy reminds me we got a new car in 2010. It is definitely the best thing, especially the heated seats. I guess I just forgot about it since I am rarely allowed to drive it.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I was really happy about the repeal of the don't ask don't tell policy. I applaud all of those involved with getting that bill passed.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Children's Bridge adoption agency.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Transit, day care and a home study.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?


16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Your love is my drug. - Song was too damn catchy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? same

ii. thinner or fatter? thinner

iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?


20. How did you spend Christmas?

We hosted, it was a smaller group than previous years. Over all it was pretty quiet and nice. We did a lot of festive things leading up to Christmas as well that I really enjoyed experiencing with Emery. He loved it all, with the exception of Santa.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

I did, I fell in love with particles in space.

23. How many one-night stands?

Zero, that was so 2001

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Modern Family is the head of the pack. That is saying a lot since I watch dozens of TV shows these days.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No not hate, but I sure have learned a thing or two about some folks that I would not have expected.

26. What was the best book you read?

Shanghai Girls.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Not anything of note.

28. What did you want and get?

I really wanted that job at the Rose Theatre. I have been stalking their job boards for years.

29. What did you want and not get?

A smooth adoption. If you are on the other side of this process you are laughing at that paradoxical wish. Apparently there is no such thing. So, I have also gained so much wisdom, it's a fair trade.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Mother and Child. Just amazing. See it. Just amazing, best I have seen in years.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

31, passed with very little fan fair.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

If I had found a way to stay at home with Emery full time.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Fulfilled last years promise to return to fab. I lack some enthusiasm for it but over all my fashion has improved 10 fold over the past 2 years.

34. What kept you sane?

My friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Natalie Portman might be my new Uma

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Toronto Mayoral race. Sorry guys you got the ^$&@* end of that deal.

37. Who did you miss?

Mat leave buddies. Johanna, Crystal, Linda and Mandy. We need to have a play date!

38. Who was the best new person you met?

The Mat leave buddies.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Baby fever is catching and can override logic. Prepare your self.

Happy New Year!!!