9:34 AM

She and I

I am knee deep in researching all the different special needs, selecting a new agency, recalculating time lines and the age differences between the kids when all of a sudden, like a load of bricks the most profound thing hits me.

My little Elora is not just particles in space any longer! She is in her mothers womb waiting to be born.

Here is the math that lead me to this realization. We will send our dossier to China in the new year, we need to state that our next child be under 12 months but born after January 2011, so that we do not violate our province's 18 month between children separation rule. The wait for referral is about 1 year, but may be shorter as we are looking at some needs that are considered moderate vs. just mild. Children are a minimum of 9 months old at the time of referral. So this means that our child will be born some time in the winter or spring of 2011, so any way you look at it, she is a pretty well developed fetus at this moment in time.

Now here is the really thought provoking part. Her mother is progressing with this pregnancy with every intention of parenting her. At this very moment she is preparing for the birth of her child with love and anticipation. It will not be until her daughter is born with more needs then she can cope with that she will have to make a decision that will change all of our lives forever. One day soon she will have to make the choice to relinquish her daughter, her loved and hoped for daughter.

But right now at this very moment in time, she and I are both loving and waiting for our girl to come into our lives. We have a lot in common at this moment, we are day dreaming about her, we are envisioning our lives with her, what will change, what we will hope to instill in her, impatient for her arrival. Right now we are just two mothers so different but on many levels just the same. The only thing is she does not know that a loss is coming, the break of the bond she has established all these months already is about to leave her with immeasurable grief. I know loss is coming, I am preparing for my role in this loss, I am doing everything in my power to be prepared. I will help our daughter heal, but I will never be able to help the woman who gave her life, to sooth her or even to change her fate. I can not say if she will make the right choice, if she will ever find peace.

I am just now beginning to really understand the link we will forever share is so much more then the daughter we share. But right now, I am the only one who knows what is coming. I am the one who started this chain of events that will link us, by choosing to adopt. It is like I have dipped my finger into the ocean, sending ripples across the water. A simple act right now, but as the ripple grows a tsunami awaits at the other end.

I had viewed adoption as a sort of cause and effect, there was a child in need of a mother (cause) and I chose to be the mother for that child (effect). Really though it is much more like there are two causes, the choice both mothers both mothers make, and the affect is the adoption and the child left in the wake of all these adult choices beyond her control or understanding.
Beyond the role I will play as loving mother to my longed for daughter, I now see I also will play the role in the domino affect of all our lives.

Right now in this moment, it is eerie (to say the least), to be the only one who knows that the tsunami is on its way, and I am utterly helpless to stop the hurt that is coming her way, and the joy it will bring our family as a result.


Kelli said...

It is a shocking realization, isn't it? to know that your child could be lovingly carresed in her birth mothers womb by a mother who considers this child to be theirs forever. at this moment.
it's no less shocking when you see pregnant women in China and wonder what their child's fate will be as well. Will they be lucky enough to be born healthy and without any special needs? Will they fit their parents expectations? their grandparents expectations? You hope- you just hope those women do not have to experience the loss of a child, either by their choice or the choice of someone in their life- either way, you're right, it's a tsunami in their life.