8:13 AM

where in the world is Elora Eng

I am a planner, there are no ways to get around it. I like lists, agendas, plans and check boxes. Scratch that I LOVE them, can't live with out them. And when one of those just can't get the job done, I made charts, graphs and spread sheets.
So now I ask my self what may be the biggest question I have ever had to answer, where in the world is Elora, and I can tell you that even the prettiest pie chart has been no help at all.
How do you rank the importance of each factor that needs to be considered when you adopt a child.
We want an infant, we have limited funds to dedicate to another child, we would prefer a girl, what race is best for our family and for her?, what resources can we find and provide, short term? long term? We would love to have history about her origins her birth family, we would like some openness. What country can we be happy to be forever linked with? Should we reach out to the child with the greatest need for a family? How exactly would that be measured any ways?
I have tried to do a pro and con list, a weighted grading system, a gut reaction, an educated detailed research... I am no further along. There are just too many questions. Just to make things difficult my opinion on many of these questions also seems to be in flux.

Until recently I was really sure that the youngest child possible trumped every thing. The idea of missing out on that itty bitty baby stage, and more importantly our child not having all the things that a fragile little one should have in those first months was just too heart breaking. It is no less heart breaking now, but now I am looking through a different lens. If a young itty bitty baby who had been loved and cherished from day one was truly the most important thing, then I would not choose to adopt, I would birth a baby who fit that criteria. Choosing to adopt is the only thing that has not been up for debate. I had what Oprah calls an AhhhHA moment when I realized that a very young baby actually needed to be on the nice to have list not the must have list.

I am having difficulty with this list of criteria in the first place, I wish that a child just came to me, that I did not need to "play god" and pick and choose each element. It makes me feel guilty each time I choose one thing over another. Mostly I just wish that we could have more children, that this one did not need to be the last one, it sure would help with those tough choices to think, well this time girl, NEXT time boy. Since we know this is the last time it makes things so much more difficult.

I have actually come to a place where I am looking for signs, dreams or any thing that will tell me that our child is waiting for us in (fill in the blank). This may not be a choice that involves any logic what so ever, and that feels really irresponsible to me, to just go with what feels right, not proven to be best. But in the end I think the graphs are telling me that this gamble with the fates may just be the only way.

In reading my back my old posts from the beginning of the blog, I think the choice may be as clear as the writing on the wall... but I am resisting making that choice out loud or even to my self just yet, because I think I am not done yet with the waffling. I am not ready to invest my heart into any thing just yet.


Kerrie (and Jason) said...

I was going to say that in your heart will be the answer and then I got to the bottom of your blog and realised you too had come to that same conclusion!

Zoe said...

would it be possible for you and your family to travel to South East Asia (or countries where there is an open program)?
The you could see where you have a connection too. Because of course the connection to Elora's culture is so important as it will become a part of your life forever.
I am so fortunate to be able to travel a lot and I think that being in a place might help you to know if it is the place that you should be focusing on - if you know what I mean.
I hope you find the right path soon.
love Z