that tear in your hand

you don't know the power that you have
with that tear in your hand
HAZE all clouded up my mind
in the DAZE of the why
it could've never been
so you say and i say
you know you're full of wish
and your "baby baby baby babies"
i tell you there're pieces of me
you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me
you've never seen well
~Tori Amos

This post is a jumble, I know it already, even though I haven't even written a word of it. I know this because my mind and my heart are a jumble.
It has been 5 days since the news and I can not say that I am any steps closer to healing. I have spent the days holding my son too tight, staring off into space, crying and in a lot of denial.
My husband had sudden urges to "fix" things in the house, so the bathroom is in great disarray, and honestly I am not sure if our bathtub will ever work again (even though I don't really believe it was broken in the first place) with out the aid of a professional. So although we are united in pain I know we are grieving separately, I think he has progressed to the anger phase, while I am stuck in denial.
We have four main options available to us right now; domestic through the Children's Aid Society (CAS), domestic private adoption, South Africa or China Waiting Child (special needs). One bonus is that we can be "in line" with CAS, domestic private and one international country at the same time, so that is up to 3 separate paths. Once we are matched though we must end any other process, and loose any time, heart and money invested into that route. Although I know this is a great advantage for us, a chance to improve our odds, I am really having trouble with the idea of so much unknown.
Domestic adoption (whether private or CAS) will result in an unknown time line, as soon as 2 weeks and as long as never. Both extremes scare the ^%$!# out of me. We liked the idea of planning the separation between the kids to have only one in day care at a time, to work on my career for a while, to have only one in diapers at a time. Our timing was very thought out. If you recall that was the reason we choose to wait 9 months before starting our dossier to Thailand, so that we could perfect the separation between the kids. Oh ya, I am totally aware of how ironic that decision is. That is fate giving me a big ol' slap in the face and telling me to stop believing I have any say in this what so ever. Yet still I CAN NOT LET GO and give up control.
Second thing about domestic that is eating away at me, our child could be any race, any gender, any special need, any time... so a complete mystery. It is not that I feel that I could not parent any of those out comes, I think our family is so full of colors we could welcome a wide variety of children and they could see them selves reflected in one of their cousins faces. But you see I just thought that my daughter was Asian, I thought I knew what her eye color was, I thought I could picture her shinny black hair, I knew she was a girl. We have been told that despite my husband's Chinese heritage (1/4 from his dads side) that Asian children never become available for adoption in our region, so that match is very unlikely. I am also having trouble laying to rest the idea of having a daughter. I love love love having a son, but I really want the experience of having a daughter as well. I have researched and do truly believe that a daughter would be the best way to complete our family and ease sibling rivalry.
I know that you can not pick and choose the features and gender you would get with a child you birth, and in my mind I agree that adoption should be no different... I am none the less going through what I suppose many adoptive parents go through as they decide to adopt... I am having to let go of the pre-conceived notions of who my future child would be. I have to surrender the simple dreams like being able to picture your child in your minds eye when you are longing for them, because that picture is completely unknown.
This experience with Thailand has robbed me of my certainty. This is the hardest thing of all.
I now wonder if I am as open hearted as I thought I was. I am realizing that because I never really "chose" adoption, because it was always just a reality for me since childhood, it was just an eventuality, I never really had to face the hard facts and the loss involved for so many other parents who adopt. It seems that when put to the test, in my core somewhere I actually have a lot of conditions about what adoption means to me. I am not sure I want to adopt "any child". I just want my daughter, the one who has been in my dreams longer then I can remember. I am sure I could parent any child, but I am not sure I can stop wanting my Elora.
So I just heard this ancient Arabic proverb: "Through your heart out and then chase after it." I sure lived my life this way. But I would say this is horrible advice for any waiting parent who cares about the health and safety of said heart. I am entering this next phase of my adoption with a very closely guarded heart, out of necessity, but I feel absolutely sick about this necessity. That kind of heart is not the kind to welcome a child with. The world seems a darker, lonelier place to me now, five days after.