8:53 AM

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good, oh lord please don't let me be misunderstud.

If one more person tells me to just get pregnant I am going to scream/melt/cry. I would never betray my daughter that way. That is a betrayal, to drop her at the first sign of challenge to just give up. Who are these well meaning people who know me and love me and yet still timidly suggest that I just re-evaluate and grow a baby instead.
Oh ya, here is another doozy, "the Lord works in mysterious ways" or "all things were meant to be". Very curious things to say to an atheist. Putting that aside, why would this atheist choose now look to a higher power. In this moment that seems to be a cruel twist of fate or at the very least horrible timing I see none of a supposed Lord's involvement and resent you implying that yet another person (in this case some heavenly father in the sky) really feels that I don't deserve/need this child.
On the other hand Buddha and I may be on a journey together right now. That I can wrap my head around. Maybe the universe wants me to learn some things that will make me a better parent to Elora. Maybe this is a step towards letting go of control and the belief that I can possess any thing, let alone particles in space that will one day be my daughter. I know I am filled with want and desire, they are the fuel of my drive and dreams, so I never faulted them. My Husband looks at me with pity and confusion when I grieve for something that was never even mine, some thing I had to right to claim. I think he was born with out desire, he never has to work at giving it up, he is like a natural Buddhist so I think he can not understand why it is hard for the rest of us.
I never asked for enlightenment. I don't know if I can give up desire and still be me. Sylvia falls head over heels, Sylvia loves first and questions later, Sylvia gets what she wants, Sylvia owns her dreams, Sylvia has a daughter named Elora who is waiting for her.
So Buddha, I hope this is not a lesson, or a test to prove I am worthy of your daughter. I would not be at your door asking for her still if I walked a Zen path.

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