3:53 PM

a question of worth

I was very vocal during my pregnancy that this was not the thing that dreams were made of, for me, this was 10 months of body snatching hell. I said it in the hopes that I would stop being the only one who felt that way, and to be a voice for these feelings, to let them into the light so that I did not have to hide them in shame.
Now that my son is nearly one, I get told all the time that all my suffering was "worth it" because I now have this bundle of joy who clearly we love to death. But, I can not agree that it was worth it. If I could have had him come into my life in any other way I would have done it. So many times I just wished to wake up when it was all over and there was a baby and no more pregnancy.
These conversations leave me in turmoil. There is this implication that if I don't agree that my personal hell was "worth it" then that means that I don't love my son enough. For the record I would lay my life down in exchange for his, there is nothing I would not do for him. But I think that any logical person who has the option of saving both them selves and their child, would do so. A child will be better off with a mother who is safe and present rather than a martyr who laid down and died for them.
I have options, I don't have to sacrifice, and risk in the same way for Elora, I can choose to be a parent by a different channel. Why wouldn't I choose to be the most healthy happy me for my children. To me, choosing not to be pregnant again, and having some assurances that those ordeals are behind me forever, gives me peace of mind and a sense of gratitude that we all survived that year.
I have heard other adoptees shy away from the "worth it" phrase, and I get that now. By saying all the things the adoptive parent had to get though to bring home their child was "worth it" really trivializes the true trauma that the child and birth family experience. It is like saying I would hurt as many people as are needed to get the end result that pleases me.
So it is not a question of worth, more simply it is just gratitude, pure and simple thanks. I have my son and I will have my daughter, and they will come to be my family though trials and journeys long and hard for many, and I will just be thankful each and every day for them.