8:48 AM

Dear Thailand, please don't break my heart

We got word from our agency yesterday that the doors to Thailand are slowly closing. A few weeks ago I read on other blogs that there was a halt on all 2010 applications, but our agency assured us that we were not included in this stoppage. Now the news that we unfortunately are and even worse all future years quotas (we are at the top of the 2011 quota) have been reduced from 10 per year to 3. Since 7 of the 2010 are in line above us, this bumps us to the 2012 quota, around a year and a half later then we planned, moving our homecoming with Elora to 2015/2016.
Do I ever feel stupid for voluntarily going on the 2011 list when there were spots on 2010. I have been following the trends in international adoption for 4 years, I know better then to believe the posted time lines, I should have just jumped in and planned for this inevitable slow down, but at the time our son was just 3 months old and it seemed too fast to be full steam ahead on his sister when we were such new parents, it seemed prudent and responsible to wait.
I had a good cry about it last night. It became so clear how much she is already part of the family. We just got a new family sized car to fit two car seats, her room is planned in my head, her first savings account is opened at the bank, there is a drawer where I tuck away cute little things I bought her. We are already a family of "almost four" in so many ways. She is a little part of our every day. Please Thailand, don't take her from me. I can swallow a longer wait, if I have to, but please don't take her from us.
The universe wants to teach me a lesson. Make me face what I fear most. One main reason I avoided domestic adoption is to avoid this very moment when you have already fallen in love, and some one else has the power and the right to keep the one you have already given your heart to. How do you recover from that? Now here a country may still put me through this trial. Worst of all, I can not appeal to a country and tell them my hearts wish, to assure them that I will do all I can to care for her and love her, that I am the right choice. I can not do any thing.
Here lies my first challenge my fist release of control. I am not sure I can do it just yet, but there is no other choice.

(post script note)
For those of you unaware, Thailand has a quota of parents that they will accept each year, each country has a quota and each agency in that country has an assigned share of that quota. The goal is to promote inter-country domestic adoption and to limit the amount of international adoptions and the paperwork that goes along with them with an ultimate goal of preserving the limited resources at the orphanages.
They say it is a good sign that Thailand recognizes they are overwhelmed now and are slowing rather then continue full speed ahead and come to a complete collapse. This collapse can be seen in many other countries that have caused a complete and sudden shut down of the program. This is what I fear is coming, but there is some hope that this slow down will prevent the collapse.